Myra Breckinridge Page #3

to you...

I'll go and finish

my makeup.

Miss Van Allen

is on her way up.

I'll be right with you, boys.

Get your resums out.

Mmm. Got a big mob.

I'm a little tired today.

One of those guys will have to go.

Well, there are four or five

with brown suits.

Oh, the brass buttons.

Yes, I see.

Uh, she'll see you.

Yes, you.

Mmm,yeah.

You think a squealer

can get away from me?

Huh?

You know what I do

to squealers?

I let 'em have it in the belly.

Well, I don't care about your credits

as long as you're oversexed.

Oh, that's one

of my credits.

A bed.

I never did see a bed

in an office before.

Well, you see,

I do a lot of night work sometimes.

Come here.

Mmm.

- Don't work any

harder than you have to for these blues.

I won't.

- How's this?

- Perfect.

You impress me immensely.

I'll keep you in mind

as a summer replacement.

Next.

Well, the end of

another busy day.

I can't wait till

I get back to bed.

If that don? work,

I'll try and sleep.

Mmm. Hi, cowboy.

How tall are you

without your horse?

Well, ma'am,

I'm six feet, seven inches.

Well,

[Clears Throat]

Never mind

about the six feet.

Let's talk about

the seven inches.

Those were the days.

Spike Jones and his City Slickers...

Ina Ray Hutton

and Her All-girl Band...

and, of course,

the Andrews Sisters.

Well, there'll never be

anyone like them.

The decline in our music

saddens me...

nearly as much as

the decline in our films.

I have never heard

of any of these people.

But my dear,

they were unique.

Truly mythic.

Why, the Andrews Sisters

really did roll out that barrel...

and no one yet

has ever rolled it back.

Do you know, Mary Ann,

that if you worked very hard...

it's possible that you might achieve a voice

something like that of the late La Verne.

Oh, thank you, Myra.

But I'm just studying at the academy

to be with Rusty.

- I just wanna get married

and settle down. - [ Scoffs]

- To fulfill yourself as a woman, no doubt.

Well, yes.

I mean, it's only natural.

Natural?

Oh, my dear Mary Ann...

don't you realize that--

Well--

Never mind.

It's getting late.

We have a big day tomorrow.

We'll talk about it

another time.

- Well--

- Yes, my dear?

- But, um--

- Mm-hmm?

But we haven't talked

about Rusty.

Oh, that.

Don't you worry your pretty little head.

I have that well in hand.

Thank you.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Well! Did you hear her?

Never even heard

of the Andrews Sisters.

I scarcely dared mention Ella Mae Morse

and the Cow-Cow Boogie.

I Myron] I must say you showed

remarkable restraint.

And four children.

It's not enough that she and that ape...

merely want to reproduce themselves,

she wants to have four!

Half the world is starving now, and if

population continues at the present rate--

I know, I know.

Famine by 1974.

And you can forget

about plankton and seaweed...

because there's not gonna be

enough of that to go around.

Oh! I've heard this speech

so many times.

Your goal is--

My goal is the destruction of the last

vestigial traces of traditional manhood.

- In order to--

- Realign the sexes--

- While--

- Decreasing population--

- Thus--

- Increasing human happiness.

- And--

- Preparing humanity for its next stage.

Bravo. Also... bullshit.

- Would you care to explain that?

- Gladly.

I thought we were gonna invite Mary Ann

here tonight so that we could talk.

Oh, never mind!

I make all your fantasies come true, and

then all you say is I make everything nasty!

Well, I'm doing

everything I can!

I'll give you Mary Ann

if you want and... Rusty...

and Leticia Van Allen.

The only person I can't deliver

is Buck Loner.

He's a real piece of history.

- Will you stop it?

Oh, you behave

like a real child.

Forgive me.

I just wanna make you happy.

That's all.

Myra will take care

of everything.

You'll see.

- Oh, yes, Myra.

I didn't mean to criticize.

I forgive you.

I forgive you.

Good morning.

I'm your typical sun

and fun-loving California sweetheart.

We have here a fine selection

of all of your favorite treats.

-F is for French fry.

- P is for pizza.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

P is for pretzel.

- Oh, A is for apple.

I almost forgot.

There's me.

Would you like

this banana?

And me?

Oh. Open wide.

Isn't that good?

Let me see.

Some peanut butter.

Would you like some peanut butter?

With a little jelly?

With some whipped cream?

Mmm!

So good.

- His for hot dog.

It's so good!

And a big glass of milk!

Now maybe some chicken.

Johnny Weissmuller,

the zaftig Tarzan...

still provides the last word on soft

man's relationship to hard environment.

- And Tarzan and the Amazons, 1945,

he was-- - Tarzan and the Amazons?

You mean you like that?

As I've just indicated,

it was a masterpiece.

But it's trash. I mean,

there isn't a single moment of truth.

I mean, it'; not, uh, real.

Whatever real means.

ls that necessarily good?

Could the real Christ

have possessed a fraction...

of the radiance of H. B. Warner in the first

King of Kings or Jeffrey Hunter in the second?

Heavy, heavy.

At any rate,

back to johnny Weissmuller...

who swung out of the trees

and into our hearts...

with his leading lady--

- Brenda Joyce.

- Brenda Joyce.

The only contemporary figure

we can point to is James Bond...

- who invariably ends up with a blowtorch

aimed at his crotch. - Miss Breckinridge.

- Ah, Uncle Buck.

- May I have a word with you?

- I'm in the middle of a class.

- It'll only take a minute.

All right.

This won't take long.

Miss Breckinridge...

what you're doing here is downright

unwholesome, underminin' all my good work.

Do you think lying to people

is good for them?

Do you think telling someone who's got cancer

he doesn't need the operation is right to do?

Well, if he's had the operation

and the case is terminal...

why, you'd want him

to be happy, wouldn't ya?

- Have the happiest frame of mind?

- I can only conclude that you agree.

What you have assembled here are the

national dregs, the misfits and neurotics.

- In short, the f*** ups of our culture.

- That ain't so.

They are the carefully selected

candidates for future stardom.

- Bullshit! - You can't talk

to me like that, young lady.

I'll have you out of here

so fast, your hair'll curl.

You just try it, and I'll take this place

away from you lock, stock and empathy class!

You watch your step. As for taking

this place away from me, why--

I don't even know whether, uh,

that man you claimed you married--

that fag son of a b*tch--

you was ever even really

married to that fag!

That, students, was a classic stage slap

delivered so as to give the impression...

that the subject has been hit

very hard in the mouth.

It was first developed by Patricia

Collinge in The Little Foxes, 1941.

Oh. Thank you for

the demonstration, Uncle Buck.

Hello, Miss Van Allen. I thought this

was your car. Anything I can do for you?

Come to think of it, yes.

There's a car been following me

for quite some time.

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