Myra Breckinridge Page #4

- Want me to bust him?

- No. Introduce him.

Oh, and don't forget to remind me

of the policeman's balls--

I mean, the police show.

I wish to see

Signorina van Allen.

- I have a message for her I bring

from Italy. - Your name, please?

Mario Giuseppe Leonardo

Guastaferro Stinginate Pastriani.

Have a seat.

I'll be right with you, boys.

There's enough for all of you.

jobs, I mean.

Leticia, bellissima.

Well, what do you know?

The pizza man. When do you deliver?

Signorina, at last I find you.

Find me? Why,

I'm in the Yellow Pages.

Federico Fellini, the great director,

tell me to look you up.

Oh, Fellini.

Oh, yes.

He's my friend.

Mmm.

Did he say look me up

or eat me up?

No pinching.

Beautiful one, you are the reason

I come so far from Italy.

I could not stand it no more.

Ever since

I see your pictures...

I hear your record...

lam in love with you.

Hundreds of women have

thrown themselves at my feet...

but I love only you.

-I am on fire for you.

- Oh, I'll put your fire out.

Now, what can I do for you,

as if I didn't know?

I don't look for job.

- I look for love.

- Mmm.

I look for you.

To be with you.

To make love with you.

This is too much

too soon.

In my country,

to wait for love...

is to burn by inches.

Ooh, you've got it

all measured out.

When Mario makes love,

the bird sing, the bells ring.

And everything swings.

You're the wildest salesman

since Columbus.

Columbus,

he was a good lover too.

Yeah, I know-a.

He raise-a the hell-a with Isabella.

Arrivederci.

Hmm, hundreds of broads

at his feet.

Get a test on this guy.

- A screen test?

- No.

A blood test.

- [Horse Whinnies ]

- Good morning, Uncle Buck.

I have information here

regarding...

a certain mutual acquaintance

named Breckinridge.

- Stand up when a lady comes into the room,

you son of a b*tch. - [ Whip Cracks]

My dearly departed kinsman was

never married no how, no place...

not to you nor nobody.

You think youre pretty clever,

don't you?

Smarter than a flea in a feather bed.

- You make me sad, Uncle, really sad.

I believe you misunderstand

my meanin', Myra.

You're out.

The con game didn't work.

There's no record of any Myron Breckinridge

being married in the whole United States.

- Nowhere in the United States, hmm?

- That's right.

Do you know why

that might be?

American Airlines

has ten regular flights a day.

I'd be glad to pay

your fare back home.

No record of my marriage to Myron

exists in any of the United States...

for the excellent reason

that we were married in Mexico.

Monterrey.

It's a goddamn disgrace,

Buck.

A man can't take his family to the movies

without seeing some kind of filth.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

Now, listen, Charlie.

You gotta get this b*tch off my neck.

She's making my life a living hell.

Maybe you could

plant drugs on her.

I mean filth, Buck!

I saw this picture where

people were fornicating.

- Fornicating!

- You mean, uh, really doing it?

God's honest truth, Buck. I've seen it

three times, and I tell you--

Hoo-hoo! Three times?

You gotta know your enemy

if youre gonna beat them.

It's sick. What is

this business coming to?

Destroying the moral fibers

of this country

Corrupting our youth.

I've seen things, Buck,

that would turn your stomach.

It's not your basic naked women

or the fornication.

It's the fags, the dykes

and every kind of perversion.

Banana split.

With nuts?

The reason he doesn't

want to take Nancy to the prom...

is that he thinks

he has the clap...

and he knows that

she wants to ball him...

and he's afraid

that he will.

I mean, it's a real

selfless act, you know?

- Bang, bang!

- F*** off.

- [Myra] Come in, Rusty.

Make yourself at home,

such as it is.

Oh, Uncle Buck really did

himself proud this time.

Of course, [Chuckles]

I'm only kissin' kin and all.

Recently, Mary Ann was telling me

that I...

Have a tendency

to pick on you.

Yeah, you sure do.

Oh. Well, if I spend

my valuable time on you...

it's because I feel you have

a glimmer of potential talent...

and I'm trying to help you

walk like normal people.

Look at the way you're leaning

to one side right now.

You obviously have

a physical problem.

Mary Ann told me

about your back.

I broke four ribs, and even so,

I finished the last half

Very admirable, I'm sure. If you

don't mind, I'd like you to stand up...

and walk over to the door first,

and then back here to me.

Oh, sh*t.

I'm sorry. I missed that.

What was that again?

Rusty...

it's been my experience in the past,

in problems like yours...

that it sometimes helps

if you dance.

Imagine you're listening...

to the big sound

of Glenn Miller.

You can keep time

by snapping your fingers.

-I feel silly.

-Turn around.

You know, all you really need is something

to remind you to-- to stand straight.

Now, tell me, where were

the ribs broken, Rusty?

Four was busted right here, which is why

I'm kind of pulled over to this side.

Uh, let me see.

- Uh, like this?

No, I want to see your back.

Take off your shirt.

But there's nothing to see. I mean, all of

the ribs are inside me that were broken.

I know where ribs are,

Rusty...

but I want to see the exact point

where the muscle is pulling.

Oh, your T-shirt too.

Haven't got X-ray eyes.

Well, you certainly are

in good condition, Rusty.

Well, I work out some.]

- Not like I ought to or used to.

Yes. Would you face the wall

with your arms at your side...

hands pressed very flat

against the wall?

Now...

- hands flat against the wall! - But

Miss Myra,you're jerking my pants down!

Will you do as I say?

Now, I believe the problem is a little

lower down, around the small of the back.

I'd say around

the lumbar region.

- Aha! Gotcha!

- Yeah, okay.

- Hell 's Angels.

Okay, I'm a movie.

Who am I?

How Green Was My Valley.

Remind me to start takin'

diet pills again.

The zipper keeps

gettin' strung.

- Yeah? - [Woman] Miss Van Allen's

car just came through the gate.

Goddamn!

Ah, Mary Ann,

I've been meaning to tell you...

I'm seriously considering

recommending you to Leticia Van Alien.

- Thanks. - Well, you don't

sound too pleased about it.

You make me feel as though Ive

just announced a plague of locusts.

What's the matter,

Mary Ann?

Is it Rusty?

Can I do anything

to help?

Oh, Myra,

I'm so worried about him.

Oh, there, there.

Busted?

The first time wasn't his fault at all,

but he was on parole.

This time,

they'll really put him away.

Nonsense. They'll do nothing

of the kind. You just leave that to me.

Why? ls there something

you can do?

- Why, of course, my clear.

lt's only the law. -

- Ah, Leticia Van Allen. - The kids

and I sure appreciate these visits...

particularly the scholarship boys.

By the way, speaking

of the scholarship fund--

They say she goes to bed

with all the actors she represents.

Oh, Fl! talk about that another time.

Yes. She must be

a marvelous woman.

I think all the gay boys

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