Mystery Men

FADE IN:

EXT. ERIE HOSPITAL FOR THE CRIMINALLY INSANE - DAY

CAMERA MOVES THROUGH a tangled jungle of razor wire, finally COMING

INTO VIEW of a foreboding, fortress-like old institution, surrounded by

towers and gun turrets. Screaming and horrible laughter is heard from

within...

CLOSE ON a sign that reads "Erie Hospital for the Criminally Insane"

... This is where the worst killers and psychos go.

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS

THE CAMERA PANS THE EXPRESSIONLESS FACES of the REVIEW BOARD as

CASANOVA FRANKENSTEIN sits across from them. Dressed in an

immaculately tailored prison smock (with "Casanova" exquisitely

embroidered above the pocket), he sits contritely as DOCTOR EMMET

BIERCE, the hospital's fatherly Chief of Psychiatry, presents his case.

BIERCE:

No one can deny the horrendous nature of Mr.

Frankenstein's crimes, but in the twenty years

he has been with us, I have never seen a

patient turn his energies to more productive

use.

CASANOVA, the picture of remorse and repentance.

BIERCE:

Just look at his accomplishments... three

volumes of poetry, two rock operas, a sculpture

garden, four romance novels... and who can

forget his touching portrayal of Billy Bigelow

in our all-psychotic production of

"Carousel"...

ON SEVERAL OF THE BOARD getting misty eyed at the memory of that

brilliant performance...

BIERCE:

Directed by our own Doctor Anabel Leek.

ON DOCTOR ANABEL LEEK, the hospital's icily beautiful, ultra cool, top

shrink.

A moment later Casanova addresses them... His manner is charming,

sincere, his voice soft, filled with emotion. He is a master of

seduction.

CASANOVA:

Twenty years ago I was a lost soul.

Loveless...

(with a son-like glance at Doctor Bierce)

Fatherless...

(chokes on the word)

A... psycho!

(breaks down sobbing)

Oh! How could I have done it? The murder...

the mayhem... all of those lovely young girls!

(weeping, a brilliant performance)

I'm sorry! I'm SO SO SORRY!

Doctor Bierce wipes the tears from his eyes. Reactions from the board,

moved, as Casanova weeps convulsively. Doctor Leek shows no reaction.

CASANOVA:

(pulls himself together)

But my deeds have been done, and my youth is

gone, and we can only go forward in this cruel

world... and if I have learned anything from my

wretched life it is that... When you walk

through a storm, keep your head held high...

(singing)

And don't be afraid of the dark...

Tears plop dawn the cheeks of the review board as the FULLY

ORCHESTRATED STRAINS OF "WHEN YOU WALK THROUGH A STORM" SWELL...

SERIES OF SHOTS - AS THE MUSIC CONTINUES

A hand stamps Casanova's file "CURED"... Casanova shakes hands and

embraces the tearful members of the review board, finishing with a

paternal hug from Doctor Bierce.

In his cell a guard delivers Casanova his favorite old disco suit

(that's been waiting far him for twenty years).

Casanova, dressed in the suit, walks down the central aisle of the

lock-up... A moment later he steps out of the massive gates of the

hospital, and takes his first deep breath of freedom... while in an

office window high above Bierce and the members of the review board

stand watching, very proud...

But suddenly THE MUSIC CHANGES TO SEVENTIES DISCO as a black Ferrari

drives up, and Doctor Leek, now dressed very sexily, gets out... As the

review board watches in stunned silence, Casanova and Anabel perform a

nifty little disco twirl, finishing with a very lewd kiss...

Bierce, watching, realizes he's been duped... as Casanova, grinning up

at him, puts a long gold chain (his favorite weapon) around his neck...

Bierce, horrified, picks up the telephone... as Casanova and Anabel get

in the car.

INT. THE CAR - A MOMENT LATER

Casanova and Anabel drive off. The massive old hospital is seen

through the rear window behind them, as Casanova calmly looks at his

watch...

CLOSE ON HIS WATCH -

as the second hand just swings toward the twelve. It is exactly twelve

noon...

BACK ON CASANOVA -

CASANOVA:

(almost wistfully)

Boom.

And the hospital EXPLODES in a HUGE FIREBALL that completely consumes

it.

CASANOVA:

Those gas leaks can be murder.

EXT. THE ROAD - DAY

The Ferrari drives past and the CAMERA HOLDS ON a sign that reads

"We1come to Champion City, home of Captain Amazing". The city itself, a

crumbling rust belt metropolis (ala Detroit) can be seen stretched out

along the shore of Lake Champion off in the distance...

INSIDE THE CAR - CONTINUOUS - ON CASANOVA

CASANOVA:

I'm home.

BACK ON THE ROAD - CONTINUOUS

The Ferrari drives under a much larger billboard that looms over the

road, showing a picture of Captain Amazing himself, a square jawed

classic superhero, staring fiercely into the camera. The caption reads

"Crime. Don't even think about it."

EXT. TRAIN YARDS OF CHAMPION CITY - NIGHT

Letters read "Six months later"...

as the CAMERA EXPLORES the desolate muddy terrain of the train yards,

CRUISING past piles of tires and abandoned train cars...

CAMERA PICKS UP a battered van as it drives through the yard, then

pulls up beside an old boxcar. The back of the van is thrown open, a

ramp is thrown down, and THE RED EYES, a gang of vicious small time

thieves (all of whom wear sunglasses with red lenses) start unloading

their night's haul... RED EYE 1 drives a golf cart, with clubs, down

the ramp.

RED EYE 1

Golf anyone?

Several more Red Eyes emerge carrying a sawn off bike rack with bikes

still attached, a barber pole, a Virgin Mary lawn statue, and a top of

the line baby stroller... while their leader, BIG RED, stands in the

door to the boxcar, watching approvingly.

RED EYE 2

Not a bad night's work.

BIG RED:

Who said crime don't pay?

The Red Eyes laugh... as Red Eye 3 takes the cover off the baby

stroller and sees... that there's a BABY still in it.

RED EYE 3

Hey, Boss, we got a stowaway.

The crooks gather around the baby, a jolly little kid who just laughs

at them.

RED EYE 4

(about to slug him)

Who you laughin' at, punk?

RED EYE 2

He's just a tyke. Lighten up.

RED EYE 5

He's kinda cute.

RED EYE 3

If you like drool.

RED EYE 2

Hey, why don't we sell him back to his parents?

For a million bucks!

The others think that's a great idea, but Big Red doesn't.

BIG RED:

And what if he rats on us?

The others hadn't thought of that.

RED EYE 3

So what should we do with him?

BIG RED:

Stick a brick in his Pampers and dump him in

the lake.

The others think that's a good idea and look around for a brick.

RED EYE 3

Come on, kid, you're goin' for a swim.

But suddenly there is another presence... A man in a blue turban and

cape with the initials "BR" on his chest has appeared... He is THE BLUE

RAJA.

RAJA:

Not so fast, gentlemen--and I use the term

loosely... Unhand that youngster...

Another man steps into the light. He wears a construction helmet and

mask. There is an "S" on his chest, and he carries an old shovel. He

is THE SHOVELER.

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