Mystery Men Page #2

SHOVELER:

Or you're mulch.

He brandishes his shovel for effect. The Red Eyes look at these two,

highly amused.

BIG RED:

What are you guys supposed to be...

superheroes?

A third man steps out. His costume is less dramatic than the others.

He wears only an old leather jacket and a faded, torn shirt with flames

on it, but the fierce look on his face and the atrociousness of his

haircut make it very clear that he is the craziest and most dangerous

of the three. He is MISTER FURIOUS.

FURIOUS:

We ARE superheroes!

BIG RED:

Really? Did you mother make those costumes?

The crooks howl with laughter.

BIG RED:

This is our territory. Beat it.

FURIOUS:

Over YOUR dead body.

Big Red turns to the others and shakes with pretended fear.

BIG RED:

0ooooo, he's scary.

The Red Eyes laugh, but suddenly, a small silver projectile whizzes

through the air and implants itself in Big Red's backside. He howls

with pain, pulls it out and examines it... It's a silver dessert fork.

BIG RED:

A fork!

The Raja holds up his hands, each of which hold a spread of silver

forks.

RAJA:

And there's plenty more where that came from.

Big Red gives a shrill whistle, and a dozen more Red Eyes step out of

an old caboose... including MIKEY, a four hundred pound behemoth. He

is eating a container of Ben and Jerry's like it was an ice cream cone,

taking huge bites out of it, container and all.

RAJA AND SHOVELER, reacting... Gulp. This was more than they'd

bargained for. But Furious just growls; he's game.

BIG RED:

GET 'EM!

The Red Eyes attack... Mister Furious goes into a furious face; his

hair stands out straight and he rushes right into the oncoming

crooks...

A Red Eye takes a swing at the Shoveler--but he simply puts up his

shovel and lets the crook slug the shovel's pan. The crook yelps with

pain and shakes his battered hand... as the Raja fends off crooks,

poking them with salad forks... and the baby sits in his stroller,

watching and laughing, really enjoying the show. (There's no real

martial artistry or teamwork here; this is a classic back alley

brouhaha.)

But there's too many of then... The Raja goes down under swinging

fists... and so does the Shoveler...

Furious holds his own, taking out crooks with powerful lefts and

rights--until Mikey runs him down like a truck, falling right on top of

him and crushing him under his massive weight.

RED EYES:

Crush him, Mikey!... Mash him!... Mush him!

FURIOUS:

(barely audible under all that meat)

Is that all you got?

RED EYES:

He wants more!... Squish him!... Finish him

off!

FURIOUS:

(faintly)

Your mother!

Mikey, sweating, bears down... but suddenly, a calm, very authoritative

voice is heard.

VOICE (0.S.)

Is there a problem?

Everything suddenly stops, as the Red Eyes look up and see... CAPTAIN

AMAZING standing on tap of the boxcar, hands on hips, framed in the

light at the moon, his biceps bulging, his state of the art physique

sculpted body armor gleaming in the moonlight, his cape wafting

heroically in the wind. He is superhero perfection incarnate.

ON THE RED EYES as their viciousness turns instantly to panic...

RED EYES:

IT'S CAPTAIN AMAZING!

Big Red and a couple others try to run for it, but Amazing leaps ca-

like off the boxcar and is on them in a flash. As the baby claps his

hands in delight, and our three heroes watch in beat-up awe, Amazing

deftly takes out the crooks with expert punches and effortlessly

delivered elbows and kicks. He is the consumate superhero, and he

doesn't even break a sweat.

The remaining Red Eyes drop to their knees and throw up their hands in

surrender.

RED EYES:

We give!... We're sorry!... We had terrible

childhoods! (Etc.)

Police cars and a TV truck come screeching into the train yard... and

the scene is suddenly flooded vith light and swarming with cops and

reporters...

Our three heroes try to approach Captain Amazing (who still looks fresh

as a daisy).

RAJA:

Nice work, Captain.

But Amazing just walks past them, ignoring them completely, as if they

didn't even exist. He goes to greet DAWN WONG (Champion City's answer

to Connie Chung).

AMAZING:

(turning on the old superhero charm)

Hi. Dawn.

DAWN:

(putty in his hands, pudding in his bowl)

Looks like you've done it again, Captain.

AMAZING:

It's what I do.

Our heroes just watch, feeling ignored, humiliated. Furious growls.

Suddenly, TWO COPS are accosting them.

COP 1

Okay, show's over. Move it. On your way.

RAJA:

Wait a minute, Officers. You don't understand--

we're superheroes, and we just busted up this

gang.

COP 1

Really? Let me guess-you're Towel Head and

he's...

(meaning the Shoveler)

Captain Pooper Scooper!

The cops crack up. Furious growls at them. The cops yank out their

nightsticks.

COP 1

Hey! Move it!

COP 2

Get a life!

COP 1

And leave crime fighting to the real thing!

Shoveler and Raja pull Furious away before he gets into real trouble...

The cops watch as our three heroes disappear into the night.

COP 1

Wannabes.

COP 2

Pathetic.

EXT. THE LAKESIDE DINER - NIGHT - ESTABLISHING

An inner city greasy spoon.

INT. THE DINER - CONTINUOUS - CLOSE ON A TV SCREEN

on which Captain Amazing, the laughing baby in his arms, is being

interviewed by Dawn Wong. He's playing the cutsy photo op for all its

worth, gootchy-gooing the kid, etc. Dawn is creaming.

Our three heroes sit at a booth in the back of the diner, watching the

tube...

RAJA:

(nursing a sore jaw)

He doesn't miss a trick, does he?

FURIOUS:

What a jerk--and like nobody knows who he really is!

SHOVELER:

Oh don't start that again--

FURIOUS:

LOOK!

Furious picks up the newspaper on which there is a photo of a good

looking guy in a tux at a benefit... The headline reads "Lance Hunt

Hosts Benefit." He holds the picture up next to the television, so the

faces of Lance Hunt and Captain Amazing are side by side. It is

obviously the same guy.

FURIOUS:

He's Lance Hunt! Just take off the glasses--

and it's him!

RAJA:

There's a vague similarity.

FURIOUS:

A vague similarity? IT'S THE SAME GUY!

SHOVELER:

(downing some aspirin)

0h, who gives a damn who he is? I can't take

this anymore. Night after night we're on the

streets, busting our humps--and for what?

RAJA:

We take the licks and he gets the chicks.

SHOVELER:

How long do you have to chase a dream before

you realize it's not gonna happen?

FURIOUS:

We need a break, that's all! Nobody'd ever

heard of him until he busted Casanova

Frankenstein!

RAJA:

But look at him... and look at us.

SHOVELER:

The camera loves him.

A depressed silence. Furious turns his attention to the napkin

dispenser.

FURIOUS:

(furious)

Why do they always fill stuff these things so

full you can't pull 'em out without ripping

'em!

(rips one out)

RAJA:

I lost another fork tonight. She's getting

suspicious, I know it.

FURIOUS:

So why don't you just tell her!

RAJA:

I can't.

FURIOUS:

Why not?

RAJA:

(upset)

Because I can't! Okay? She wouldn't

understand!

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