Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie

Ah! You're here.

Hello. Welcome.

I'm Dr. Clayton Forrester,

and soon you will all bow down before me.

What you're about to see is

an experiment,

and, by observing,

you have become part of that experiment.

For I have shot a man into space

and I'm driving him crazy

by forcing him to watch

the worst movies ever made.

Oh, sure, we all have thought about it,

but I had the guts to do it!

This is my test subject:

Mike Nelson.

A disgustingly

mild-mannered dope

who has managed to survive

every film I subjected him to.

But perhaps this movie will drive him

to the breaking point and crush his soul,

and then I'll unleash it

on an unwitting public,

and then I will rule the world!

Yes!

I'm a naughty boy!

Naughty, naughty, naughty,

naugh... ty.

Well,

you will join Mike

in watching the Universal classic

This Island Earth

Now, prepare yourselves

for my maddest madness yet!

Now poopie.

Mystery Science Theater 3000

The Movie

Morning, Mike!

Morning, Gypsy!

Whaddaya got for me?

Oxygen-nitrogen mix is within

required standards,

we're currently in low orbit

over Southern Madagascar,

and that wonderful smell

is a lamb roast I have in the oven.

- And sweet yams?

- Affirmative!

Oh, and I compiled today's

wire service reports.

Here's a hard copy.

The Cubs lost again.

Oh! Why, hello Mike!

Everything workin' fine on the

ol' Satellite of Love today, hmm?

No dangerous problems or

horrible mishaps in sight?

No, Tom,

everything appears nominal.

Ah, nominal,

good, good.

So I guess that means

you're not worried about

what that rythmic pounding might be.

- Yeah, what is that?

- Yeah, what is that, hmm?

I'm a highly sophisticated robot,

Mike, and I'm telling you:

This is not something

you should be hearing!

Something's causing this, Mike!

Hm, now let's think.

I'm here, you're here,

Gypsy's here...

- Ok, Tom, where's Crow?

- Where's Crow?

Uh, I'm not supposed to say anything,

but I did see that litle moron headed towards

the basement with a pickaxe in his hand.

Gypsy!

Go to condition yellow!

- We gotta stop him!

- Roger!

It's a loooong way

to Tipperary,

to the sweetest girl I know!

Goodbye to Noah Berry!

Hello Harold Lloooooyd!

- Crow?

- Huh?

Crow, listen,

you've gotta stop!

Oh! Hi Mike!

I've found the perfect spot!

Once I break through this wall,

we'll tunnel our way right back to Earth!

Crow, you big dope!

You can't tunnel through space!

Come, come, boys, we must

confound Jerry at every turn!

Crow, no!

You'll breach the hull!

HULL:

BREACH:

I didn't expect this!

Gaining maximum R.P.M.

Adjust pitch and yaw thrusters!

Stabilize!

There! That should do it.

Wow, this is confusing!

Mike!

You wanna hand me me my calculations?

Thank you.

Well, look at that.

"Breach hull; all die."

Even had it underlined.

I don't wanna die!

Oh! Mommy! Mommy!

I love you, Mike!

- Atta boy, Servo!

- I won't do that again!

Hey! I'm experiencing a sensation

altogether new to me!

And frankly, I love it!

Now, Crow, I told you:

No more escape attempts.

Believe me, Mike,

I calculated the odds of this succeeding

versus against the odds

I was doing something incredibly stupid

and I went ahead anyway.

There you go.

Aw, darn!

It's time!

Dr. F. is calling for you.

Ah, Mike.

Robots.

I'm feeling particularly evil

because today's experiment

is a stinky cinematic

suppository called

This Island Earth

You may just all bow down before me

after this stinkburger.

Say, come to think about it,

I don't believe you've

bowed down before me recently.

Uh, sure we have,

last week.

No, no, no! I think that was

more of a curtsey than a bow.

So why don't we all

just bow down... now.

I don't see a reason

to make us...

Bowing, sir!

...I bow before you, sir...

Okay, Dr. Forrester.

Jees!

What a dickweed!

Well, now that

we've had our little fun,

prepare yourself for...

uh...

But, before I start

the experiment... uh...

Did you,

you know, go?

Yes.

Because I don't wanna

have to stop the movie for...

- You know.

- You won't.

Then, prepare yourselves for...

This Island Earth

We've got Movie Sign!

Ah, it's the nicest weather

Earth has ever had!

Notice how big Japan is?

Space, the final frontier.

These are the voyages of

Babylon 5.

Doesn't the fact that it's universal

make it international?

This island earth can be yours

if the price is right!

Hey, who sneezed on the credits?

Okay, let's see here.

Shatner? Shatner?

Nope! Doesn't look like

he's in this one, we're safe!

I feel so insignificant.

Of course,

I always feel insignificant!

The light from this credits originated

well over 7.000 years ago.

Boy, the universe

is really cruising.

Look, there's Taurus,

the bull!

And right underneath him

the constellation Feces.

Oh, look!

Orion is bankrupt.

So, these are images

from the Hubble?

When in California,

be sure to visit beautiful... oh...

It's a long par 5 leading

to the nation's capital.

Who'd build so far back

on the lot?

Washingtonland,

the new Disney theme park!

One more. Just one more,

please, Dr. Meacham.

Hold it, please.

A little closer to the wing, sir.

Watch your lips!

A little more profile,

Dr. Meacham.

He wants to get that

faraway, visionary look.

Cal, we know how

tired you must be.

- We'll make it as short as possible.

- Fire away, gentlemen,

I warn you, I am beginning

to feel faraway and visionary.

How about your conference with

the committee on atomic power?

Not my conference. Twenty engineers

and scientists were there.

Twenty? Hardly a routine meeting,

would you say?

Yeah, and look, Cal:

we won't buy the committee's

getting you VIPs together

for a cocktail party.

All right, boys,

I'll tell you this much.

You boys like to call this

"the push-button age."

It isn't. Not yet.

Not until we can team up

atomic energy with electronics.

Then we'll have the horses

as well as the cart.

How long has the army

been handing out jets, doctor?

Yeah!

One of the boys at Lockheed

handed me this one.

I hope you taxpayers don't mind.

We do!

Cal, when do we get

to this "push-button age"?

When fellows like me stop talking

about it and get back to our labs.

See you gentlemen later.

- Goodbye!

- So long!

Kiss me goodbye?

Cal, are you working on anything

along the lines you mentioned?

- Roughly.

- Well, remember me, will you?

I'm the wormy guy.

I'm concentrating on the

reconversion of certain

common elements into nuclear

energy sources.

- Huh? How's that again?

- What counts is how I make it work.

I see.

Good flight, Cal.

- Thank you.

- So long.

- Dickweed.

- Jack-off.

Other people need to

use this ladder, you know?

My wife has the seat so close,

how can she drive like this?

Those decals are really hard

to put on without ripping.

John Sununu goes

for a haircut.

Fortunately, he has

his theme music on eight-track.

Hey! You can see

the Cubs losing!

Geez, there's soccer teams

lying all over the place!

Oh, for crying out...

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