Naked Page #6

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Oh, yeah! Yeah!

Body punch, kick, duck!

Balls!

- (Cody grunts)

- (Rob laughing)

(both)

How do you know what I'm gonna do?

How do you know

what I'm saying right now?

This is crazy!

Kumquat! Laser beam! Vagi...

(chuckles)

How do you know?

Now you're gonna get really pissed off

and try and hit me.

But I'm gonna move

in five, four, three, two...

Left, body, backhand, uppercut,

cross, cross, left, right!

Right.

Whoo! Whoo!

(groans)

Hook, chop, uppercut,

backhand, low, high!

- (grunts)

- That was new.

(grunts)

- Oh, yeah!

- (church bells ring)

- (elevator bell dings)

- (car alarm sounding)

- (clicks)

- (alarm stops)

(piercing sound)

Hey, Favors? Do you mind falling that way?

Somebody spilled Coke over there.

I would hate to get some on the suit.

Yeah, sure. No problem.

- Thanks, bud.

- Sure.

I told you I was gonna get that suit.

(Ben) Yes!

Whoo! My man is in the house!

Come on, y'all, make some noise!

(man) Yeah, Rob!

- Looks like we're finally ready.

- Mm-hmm.

("Bridal Chorus" playing)

- (kisses)

- (Megan laughs)

Sir...

You forgot the programs.

(church bells ringing)

The programs?

Right.

Any specific font you want?

Arial, courier? Huh?

American typewriter?

Condensed?

How about some wingdings? Huh?

Comic sans?

And how about you walk a little faster

down the aisle?

("Bridal Chorus" playing)

Sir?

- Uh, Megan really wanted candles.

- (sighs)

- (church bells ringing)

- (sighs)

- You got me.

- What?

("Bridal Chorus" playing)

Sir.

Come here, you.

Now, we're ready.

Yes.

You got the ring, right?

(gasps)

(church bells ringing)

(sobs)

- (both scream)

- Nooooo!

- Why you yelling?

- Shut up!

Hey, man.

Shut up!

(mutters)

Hey.

Uh, do you have wedding rings?

- (shouts)

- (tires screech)

- (siren wailing)

- (tires screech)

(scoffs)

Definitely substitute teacher salary.

But you can always upgrade

in a few years.

- Yeah.

- Maybe.

(sighs)

("Bridal Chorus" playing)

Where have you been, Rob?

- Oh, my God, baby.

- I'm okay. I'm okay.

Hey, we're here now.

- You ready?

- Yes.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today

to witness the union of Robert J. Anderson

and Megan W. Swope in holy matrimony.

The bond this couple

makes today is sacred...

and should be entered into

with reverence and honor.

And now we come

to the portion of the ceremony

that holds great significance... the vows.

I understand you two

have written your own?

Yes.

Megan, would you like to begin?

Yes.

I once read,

"Happiness is only real when shared."

I didn't understand the depth

of that statement until I met you, Rob,

because you are the perfect man for me.

You love to go where life takes you,

and I am so grateful

that life brought you to me,

because I know that no matter

what our future brings,

we will have each other.

I love you...

so much.

That was beautiful.

- Robert?

- Huh?

Go ahead, whenever you're ready.

- Oh, it's my turn.

- Yeah.

- (exhales)

- (Megan chuckles)

Megan...

Obviously, I love you very much.

Like, a lot.

Like a lot, a lot.

A lot.

And I'm just so happy

that I went on that date with Vicky...

(chuckles) Well...

because if I hadn't...

I would've never met...

her wonderful...

beautiful...

roommate.

You.

And...

And...

Is it hot in here?

- (crowd chuckling)

- (church bells ringing)

Can I? I'm just gonna...

I'll be right back, baby.

Okay. One sec.

Excuse me.

You are my lover and my guiding light.

(Rob) Oh, that's good. I'm gonna use that.

(groom) In your heart, I see my future.

In your eyes, I see hope.

(church bells ringing)

- In your ears, I whisper, "I love you."

- (clears throat) Excuse me?

Um... do you mind if you skip to the end?

I mean, you keep mentioning

these body parts.

- She's a big girl.

- (crowd gasps)

We gonna be here all day.

I didn't mean "big" in a bad way.

I bet you is warm.

(Rob grunts)

(pounding)

(elevator bell dings)

"I have for the first time found

what I can truly love."

- I found... you.

- (church bells ring)

You are my sympathy...

my better self...

my good angel.

I am bound to you... (kisses)

With a strong attachment.

I think you're...

good...

gifted...

lovely.

A fervent...

a solemn passion,

conceived in my heart...

and it leans to you

and draws you to my center.

(coughs)

And spring of life, it...

wraps

your existence about you.

Kindling in pure...

powerful flame!

It fuses you

and me

into one.

(squeals) Brilliant!

Oh, my baby good, honey. My baby good.

(laughs)

Megan, will you have this man

to be your...

(crowd murmuring)

(gasping)

I'm sorry. Should we close the windows?

No. They're just birds.

Let's just leave the pigeons alone.

They're just playing.

- No, Rob, there's pigeons in the church.

- Yeah, I know, baby.

We'll worry about that later, okay?

Father, do your thing.

- Rob!

- Would you just leave the pigeons alone?

- (crowd gasps)

- Please, would you just, baby,

just leave the pigeons alone?

What is wrong with you?

I am running out of time!

Rob, take it easy, man.

You're ruining the mood.

I'm... ruining the mood?

I'm ruining the mood?

It's because of you, Benny,

I was late to my wedding!

You and I both know

that that's not accurate.

You know what happened to me last night.

Of course I do! We just hung out!

(whispers) Shut your ass up.

You gonna tell me what happened to me

last night, Benny! What happened?

Oh, man! Get off me, man!

I gotta take this suit back tomorrow!

- Just make sure this tag's still...

- Tell me, Benny, what happened!

You went home with a girl.

(crowd gasps)

(Ben) All right?

I did?

Rob.

Rob, is this true?

I don't... I don't... I don't know.

No. You know what?

You're done, Othello. We're gonna go.

(Megan sobs)

Megan. Megan. Megan.

- Oh!

- (crowd gasps)

I believed in you, Rob,

when no one else did.

I will never forgive you!

Megan!

Cody?

Uh...

Cody, uh, you gonna mess up your suit.

(crowd gasps)

- Oh, yeah!

- (church bells ringing)

(Rob's mother) Fire!

Everybody, remain calm!

Please go to the exits

in an orderly fashion!

(crowd clamoring)

Ah! I'm gonna kill you! God damn it!

Kill you!

I'm gonna kill you!

Why are you doing this to me,

you stupid bell?

(grunting)

Rob!

Don't hurt my bells!

Oh, God.

I'm so tired of you, you stupid bell!

Uh-oh.

(screaming)

(pounding)

(groans)

Bye-bye, happiness

This has to end!

(man) Hey, did you hear that?

- Shut up!

- (elevator bell dings)

(knock on door)

Rob! Oh, God.

Rob!

Baby, how did you get up here?

I'm not gonna lie,

it took a couple of tries.

I can't believe you're here.

I was so worried about you.

(gasps) Oh, my God. You're not supposed

to see me before the wedding.

It's bad luck.

Where's your tux?

Megan, come here. Sit.

Listen, baby.

You know I love you

more than anything, right?

Yes.

But it just seems no matter what I do,

I just can't get anything right.

Baby, what are you talking about?

You're here.

- Let's do this.

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