Napoleon Dynamite Page #5

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run for president?

Yes.

I don't understand.

He say... you're not allowed to smash piatas

that look like real people.

But we do it in Mexico

all the time.

Your hair looked great today.

Thank you.

All right.

See you tomorrow, Pedro.

[Burps]

Who are you?

- I'm Lafawnduh.

- What are you doing here?

I'm waiting for Kip.

- Kip?

- Why are you so sweaty?

- I been practicing.

- Mmm.

- Practicing what?

- Some dance moves.

You like dancing?

[Kip]

My chores are done.

- So, you ready, Lafawnduh?

- I am, honey.

Sorry, Napoleon. We're just runnin'

a little bit late for some prime rib.

- Tell Uncle Rico not to wait up for me.

- Here.

You might like that.

My cousin made it.

I'll be waitin' outside

for you, baby.

Bye, Napoleon.

See ya.

[Door Opens]

- Lafawnduh is the best thing

that has ever happened to me.

- [Door Closes]

I'm a hundred percent positive

that she's my soul mate.

Napoleon, I'm sure there's

a babe out there for you too.

Peace out.

See ya.

Is this what you

were looking for?

Nah, I was thinkin' of somethin'

a little more... soft around the edges.

Hmm. Well...

I have a nice, soft pink sheet

I could hang...

and I could wrap you in some foam or...

something billowy?

Yeah, billowy's good.

[Chuckles]

[Sighs]

It'd be really nice...

if I could get

the fan going.

I could hang some tinsel

from the top.

You know, Deborah,

you have... striking features.

Such a soft face should be

complimented with a...

soft body.

Mr. Rico?

My friends and clients,

they call me "Uncle Rico."

What are you doing?

Shh. Don't say another word.

Napoleon told me

you'd be interested.

Napoleon?

You stop wishin',

and call me when you're ready.

## [Dance]

[Phone Rings]

- [Ringing Continues]

- ## [Stops]

- Hello?

- Napoleon?

- Yeah. Who's this?

- It's Deb...

and I'm calling to let you know

I think you're a shallow friend.

- What the heck are you even talkin' about?

- Don't lie, Napoleon.

Your Uncle Rico made it very

clear how you feel about me.

What?

I don't need herbal enhancers

to feel good about myself.

And if you're so concerned about that,

why don't you try eating some yourself?

[Dial Tone]

- [Door Opens]

- Right on.

Grandma just called and said

you're supposed to go home.

- She didn't tell me anything.

- Too bad. She says she doesn't want you here...

when she gets back because you've been ruining

everybody's lives and eatin' all our steak.

- I'm not goin' anywhere, Napoleon.

- Get off my property!

It's a free country.

I can do whatever I want.

Get off my property,

or I'll call the cops on you.

Well, then do it.

Go on.

Maybe I will. Gosh!

[Line Ringing]

- [Man Speaking Spanish On TV]

- [Phone Rings]

- Hello?

- Pedro?

- How's it goin'?

- Good.

Deb just called me.

She pretty much hates me by now.

- Why?

- 'Cause my Uncle Rico's an idiot!

Do you have anything

to give to her?

No, not unless

she likes fish.

- Are you still gonna give your speech tomorrow?

- Yes.

- Do you already know what you're gonna say?

- Yes...

but not all of it.

Just tell 'em that...

their wildest dreams will come true

if they vote for you.

- [Sighs]

- I'll see you tomorrow, Pedro.

[Shouts]

Dang it!

What do you think

you're doing?

[Vehicle Approaching]

Now, if you look right here,

we have Sally Johnson from Manitou, Colorado.

Would you like to read

her testimonial right there?

Sure. Um...

"After using Bust Must Plus,

I have such big bosoms--"

I don't feel comfortable

reading this.

Oh, that's fine.

That's fine.

But do you feel

comfortable with me?

You could be...

somewhere around, uh...

here.

- [Sauce Pans Clattering]

- [Rex] Come here, boy!

- [Commotion, Crashing]

- [Rico Yelping]

[Loud Applause]

[Applause Fades]

Well, I never thought

I would make it here today.

I would be a great

class president because...

I promise to put two new pop machines

in the cafeteria, and...

I'm also gonna get a glitter Bonnebell

dispenser for all the girls' bathrooms.

Oh, we're gonna get

new cheerleading uniforms.

Anyway, I think I'd be

a great class president, so, uh...

who wants to eat

"chimini-changas" next year?

Not me. See, with me,

it will be summer all year long.

- Vote for Summer.

- [Loud Applause]

- [Applause Continues]

- [Mouthing Words]

[Applause Ends]

And now Summer will perform her skit with

members of our very own Happy Hands Club.

[Applause]

Your speech is up next.

Your skit had better be pretty good.

- A skit?

- You perform a skit after your speech, Pedro.

What?

A flippin' skit?

- Why didn't anybody tell us about this?

- ## [Pop]

## [Continues]

[No Audible Dialogue]

## [Continues]

- ## [Ends]

- [Loud Applause]

- [Applause Fading]

- I don't want to be president anyway.

Pedro, just listen

to your heart.

That's what I do.

I'll just tell them that

I have nothing to say.

[Scattered Applause]

[Applause Fades]

Hello.

I don't have much to say.

But I think it would be good to have

some holy santos brought to the high school...

to guard the hallway

and to bring us good luck.

El Santo Nio de Atocha is a good one.

My Aunt Concha has seen him.

And...

- we have a great F.F.A. schedule lined up--

- [Door Opens]

and I'd like to see

more of that.

If you vote for me,

all of your wildest dreams will come true.

Thank you.

[Scattered Applause]

[Applause Fades]

Up next, I hope you'll enjoy

a skit by Pedro Sanchez.

[Sighs]

## [Slow Electric Piano]

## [Disco, Funky]

## [Continues]

## [Continues]

## [Continues]

## [Stops]

[Loud Cheering]

[No Audible Dialogue]

- [No Audible Dialogue]

- [Grunting]

Oh.

[Applause]

I caught you a delicious bass.

You wanna play me?

## [Synthesizer Pop]

## [Continues]

## [Continues]

## [Continues]

## [Continues]

## [Continues]

## [Stops]

I, uh, would like to

give you this advice.

And a fella give

me some years ago.

He said,

"When an argument arises...

"if you go outside and take,

uh, a nice walk...

"you'll calm down and then you can

come back and it won't be an argument.

"And you'll find

that helps your health.

All that fresh air and exercise

will do you a lot of good."

[Chuckles]

Is there anything else

you'd like to ask about?

- [Grunts]

- [Coughing]

- [Braying]

- Pedro.

- Where the heck's Napoleon?

- I don't know.

Lafawnduh Lucas, do you take

Kipland Ronald Dynamite...

to be your lawful

wedded husband...

to honor in sickness and health

till death do you part?

I do.

Kipland Ronald Dynamite...

do you take Lafawnduh Lucas

to be your lawful wedded wife...

in sickness and health

till death do you part?

You know I do.

By the authority vested in me,

I pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

[Braying]

[Shutter Clicks]

## [Synthesized]

[Feedback]

# Why do you love me #

# Why do you need me #

# Always and forever #

# We met in a chat room #

# Now our love

can fully bloom #

# Sure the World Wide Web

is great #

- [Feedback]

- # But you, you make me "salvivate" #

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