Nate Bargatze: Full Time Magic

[light ukulele music]

[cheers and applause]

[upbeat rock music]

Thank you.

Wow.

[cheers and applause continue]

Wow.

So--thank you.

Thank you.

Very kind.

All right, all right.

It's, uh, you know...

I'll be honest with you.

I don't think the show's

gonna be as good as that.

Like, I think I will

let you guys down.

Thank you guys so much.

That was unbelievable.

You guys are great.

And, it's just,

you know, we've--

I feel like we've peaked,

so let's just get...

doing it, something?

All right.

[laughs]

I'm very excited to be here.

My name's Nate.

I'm married and stuff.

This is what marriage

feels like, by the way--

what it feels like in here

right now.

It's just one person talking,

and the other's like,

"I'm gonna get out of here."

It's...

[laughter]

That's...

[laughs]

We--I'm from Nashville,

and me and my wife,

we were in Nashville

last summer,

and we went out on the lake

with some of our friends.

And we were, like,

floating around in the water,

and there was a guy in a boat,

like, right next to us,

and my wife was like,

"Oh, that's my ex-boyfriend

in that boat."

Now,

I didn't know who he was,

so she didn't have to say that

at all, you know?

She was just basically like,

"Are you having fun?

'Cause I'd like

to put a stop to that."

[laughter]

"And make you stare at this guy

the rest of the day."

So I'm, like, staring at him,

and then I look at my wife,

and she's staring at him,

and I feel like

she's staring at him

to see what her life would

be like if she didn't marry me.

So I started staring at him,

'cause I'm like,

"I want to see

what my life would be like

if I didn't marry her,"

you know?

And we were putting--

we were putting

so much pressure on this guy.

And...

we--we stared at him

for a while.

He did nothing exciting at all,

and, uh, you know,

we looked back at each other

and just realized,

"You know what?

We don't have a boat.

That's the only difference."

My friends--

my friends were like,

"You should've went

and tried to fight him.

Why didn't you go fight him?"

And I was like,

"Well, I would've had

to swim over to that fight."

[laughter]

"So I don't know

how intimidating that is,

for a guy to see a head and a

life jacket floating his way."

And then I got to get

in the boat, you know?

Like, have you ever tried

to climb into a boat from water?

It's not aggressive.

It takes an hour

if no one is in the boat.

Like, if he's in there,

I'm never gonna get in.

I would need his help.

I'd be like, "Could you

help me into this boat?

I can't tell you why,

but I really need in this boat."

[laughter]

We have a daughter now,

and so it's getting--

you know, 2-year-old daughter--

it's getting pretty serious

between me and my wife now.

And it's--

I don't know.

I was living in New York

when my daughter was to be born.

She was not born here, though.

We flew home.

She was born in Tennessee.

I didn't want her to be born

in New York.

You know, I don't need her

growing up

thinking she's better than me.

[cheers and applause]

Yeah, yeah.

I was like, "You start

where we start, all right?

No one gets a leg up

in this family."

[laughter]

It's our first kid.

I don't know if we had a kid

too late in life.

Sometimes I wonder, like,

you know, I'm 35.

I was 33 when she was born,

and, like--

'Cause you ever ask someone

that has kids,

you're like, "When's

the best time of your life?"

They will say

before they have kids

or after their kids move out.

There's, like,

20 years they don't mention,

and that's when kids

were in their house.

So by the time my daughter

moves out, I'll be 53.

I'll be dead within hours.

So I've just pushed it

too far, you know?

Like, I should've

done it earlier.

Like, I watched that show

Teen Mom,

and I was like, "Man,

those girls are nailing it.

Like, that's what"--

[laughter and applause]

Just get it over with,

you know?

No one likes junior high

or high school anyway,

so just throw a kid in the mix.

Wrap it all up.

If I had my daughter at 13,

she'd be moved out right now.

Right now,

she'd already be gone.

[laughter and applause]

I will be excited, like--

I'll be excited when she goes--

like, when she goes to school,

like, to do homework

with her and stuff, you know?

'Cause it's like bonding,

and it's not gonna hurt for me

to do one more run-through.

[laughter]

Just one more pass.

None of it stuck for me.

I went to community college

for one year.

[person claps]

Do--yeah.

A couple of us?

Just me and this guy.

That's--did you go for longer

than a year?

Or one year too?

Or did you go to real college?

Couple years.

Oh, all right.

Valedictorian over here,

jeez.

[laughter]

Just...

I-I made it one.

And what's even more

embarrassing--

that I do not have a credit.

Literally, I do not have--

I have zero credits.

Do you have credits?

You got credits,

like, all of 'em?

Did you graduate

community college?

You think you're better than me?

No, just--

I just started to attack.

He's like, "I don't know."

It's easy, I think, to graduate.

Like, I--you know--

My loan was $40.

I just paid cash.

That's all.

I was like, "This is good."

He was like,

"That's more than enough."

I was all remedial classes,

which, remedial,

you know, it's like,

they just--they don't count.

None of 'em count,

so all my classes were outside.

Every one was outside.

We wouldn't even meet

inside the building.

We would just meet

at a picnic table outside,

'cause our teacher was like,

"Well, you guys

will all be working outside."

[laughter]

"We're gonna teach you

about weather, you know,

"and, like, we're gonna

teach you about morning dew,

"how to get your socks wet.

"You're gonna be getting up

pretty early

"the rest of your life.

"I hope you guys like sunrises,

because you're gonna see

a lot of 'em."

That's what remedial classes

are for.

They're a heads-up that

you're gonna do manual labor.

The assignments--

our teacher'd be like,

"All right,

so today's assignment is,

we're gonna help me move,

so..."

[laughter and applause]

It's--

[laughs]

I'm, like--

I'm pretty dumb.

I'm--like, you know,

I tell people I'm dumb.

I'm like, "Hey, I'm dumb."

And--but no one goes,

like, "Okay."

They're just always like,

"I bet you're not dumb."

And you're like, "Well, I'm

trying to help you out here.

"Uh, we're about

to have a conversation,

so I'm just trying

to give you a heads-up."

[laughter]

Here's a story--

I can prove it--

if I need to--

like I got to prove it.

Like, everybody's like,

"Now, we--yeah, you know.

We don't need proof."

Here's my proof,

is, when I was 15,

my first job was, in Nashville,

was at Opryland theme park.

We used to have

an amusement park,

and I was working,

and I'm sitting eating lunch,

and this couple sits down,

and we start talking and stuff.

I was like, "I'm Nate."

And the guy's like,

"I'm John.

This is my wife, Jane,"

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes