Nate Bargatze: Full Time Magic Page #2

and they--

their last name was Doe.

So it was John and Jane Doe.

And I was just like,

"That's the craziest thing."

Like, what are the odds

of that, you know?

Like, that's so crazy.

Couldn't believe it.

Cut to earlier this year.

I'm 35, I'm driving,

and I'm thinking

about John and Jane Doe.

And, you know,

I was like,

"I bet they were lying

to me about that."

[laughter and applause]

That's how long it took--

20 years--

for me to catch on to a joke

they wouldn't remember saying.

I don't think

they would remember it.

They'd be like,

"Maybe we did that."

Well, it worked.

It worked so good.

I tried to--

I tried to Google 'em,

'cause I was, like, "Maybe

they're not lying," you know?

"I'll find 'em

and go talk to 'em."

But I am sad to report

they were murdered.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's not good.

Yep.

[applause]

It's--

Like, I think of it like--

like time traveling.

Like, if I could go back

in time--

like, if I could go

back in time tonight

and go back to, like,

the '20s,

knowing everything

I know right now,

I don't think

I would make a difference.

[laughter]

I don't think you guys

would even hear about it.

I don't think you would.

I just don't--like, 'cause

I don't have anything to get--

You know, like I would go back,

and I would see, like,

some guy on a old phone,

and I would be like,

"Hey, eventually

they have phones

you, like, carry

in your pocket."

And they're like, "Yeah?"

It's like, "How do they do it?"

I'm like, "Phew, I mean,

I don't know how they do it."

[laughter and applause]

"Oh.

I think it's a satellite?

I think--a satellite?"

They're like,

"What's a satellite?"

"Oh, I shouldn't have

even said that, uh..."

[sighs]

"It's like metal--

"Metal's got to go

pretty high in the air.

I don't know

if you guys are doing"--

I don't even know if I could

prove I'm from the future.

I don't even think I could.

I think I would just get stuck,

'cause they would want

something.

Like,

"Who's the next president?"

"Oh, boy.

Uh...

"Ooh--

Abraham Lincoln.

You guys are gonna love him.

He's really good."

They'd just think

I'm from the past.

That's--they were like--

It would just look--

And then I'd have to get

a regular job.

I would just have to, like,

wait tables or something

in the '20s.

I would go back in time

and do worse

than I'm doing right now.

[laughter and applause]

[laughs]

I went and visited

my parents recently.

My parents have a real,

real, real fat cat.

It's real fat.

People point it out,

you know?

They walk in; they're like,

"Man, that cat's fat."

And it feels rude, you know,

like, "He doesn't speak English,

but we do,

so maybe don't say that."

And they're just--

you know, they're like,

"What are y'all feeding

this cat?"

You're like,

"Whatever you feed a cat, dude.

"Like normal cat food stuff.

We pour a bowl.

Like, if he eats eight birds

outside, he doesn't tell us."

[laughter]

You know, he's not like, "Oh,

I ate out tonight. I'm good."

And then they're like, "Well,

y'all should do something."

You're like, "What do you think

we're not doing?

"Do you think he has

a gym membership

and we don't drive him

to the gym?"

He's a cat.

That's his gym membership,

is, he's a cat.

I watched him jump

from the ground

on top of the refrigerator.

That's like if I jumped on top

of a school bus from the ground.

Like, if I--if I did that,

you're not gonna be like,

"Well, you still could lose

a little bit, you know."

[laughter]

Just keep doing

what you're doing.

I got to get in shape.

Not this shape.

This is not a good shape.

Something--I got to get--

really.

I thought--I was like,

"Oh, I'm doing an hour special.

That'll motivate me."

And here we are.

[laughter]

I tell people

I got to get back in shape.

I've never been in shape,

you know?

Like, most people are like,

"If I could go back to my 20s."

I would have to go back to 7.

If I could get back

to when I was 7,

I was just killing it.

I don't know how to work out.

For me,

a good workout would be--

walking to McDonald's

would be a great start.

You know,

maybe stand up and eat it.

See if that does something.

I ordered the P90X videos.

I thought I could do that.

Never worked out

a day in my life,

so let's do

what the Navy SEALs do.

[laughter]

You know why I ordered it?

'Cause in the commercial--

you know how they have, like,

a before body and after body?

In the--I was blown away

by the before body.

I thought that's

what you get to look like.

I was like,

"That guy looks great."

You know, "I would love

to look like him."

Then I saw the after body,

and I was like,

"Does the before body guy

have a DVD?

"'Cause that guy seems

more my speed, you know.

What did he do to get to that?

And I'll just do that."

Someone gave me an Under Armour

shirt to wear.

Have you ever wore

one of those?

It's, like, skintight.

It just shows the worst parts

of your body.

I look better without a shirt on

than with that shirt on.

[laughter]

You know in plastic surgery

how they draw markers on you?

They should just put you

in that shirt and be like,

"Obviously, you can see

what we're gonna go after."

[laughter and applause]

I'm lazy.

I can tell, like,

watching sports--

I was watching a football game,

and I'm sitting on my couch,

and I was gonna get something to

drink out of the refrigerator.

Right when I get up,

one guy--

one team kicked off

to the other team.

And before I could get back,

the guy ran a 100-yard kickoff

return, and I missed it.

The guy ran 100 yards

before I could get

3 to maybe 4 yards.

[laughter]

That guy also had 11 people

really trying not to let him

run 100 yards.

I had--I didn't even have

an ottoman in my way.

It was wide open.

[laughter]

I played sports growing up,

though.

I played baseball,

and one time when I was playing,

I'm up to bat;

I get walked.

So I go,

I take my base,

I get to first base,

I turn, and I look.

The catcher was still

holding the ball.

And, like, he wasn't--

you know,

he was staring at me, almost

like he's daring me to run,

like, "Why don't you see

if you can go?

I don't think you can go."

And I was like,

"I'm gonna go, all right?"

So I run to second.

He throws it to second,

overthrows second base,

goes in the outfield.

I run to third base.

They overthrow third base,

so my coach is, like, losing it,

like, telling me to go home.

Like, this is about to be

an inside-the-park home run

off a walk.

I'm about to be

onSportsCenter,you know?

Like, this is the biggest thing

that's ever happened in sports.

So I go.

I slide.

There's a play at the plate,

and then the umpire goes,

"It was only ball three."

[laughter and applause]

So I have to now get up.

I'm dirty,

for no reason, apparently.

I'm out of breath.

I got to pick my bat up,

exactly where I left it.

It's now three balls,

two strikes.

Next pitch,

immediately strike out.

Immediately strike out.

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