Nate Bargatze: Full Time Magic Page #3

The umpire goes,

"Now you can go.

Yeah, you're fine."

I did learn something, though,

that day.

What I did learn was that

if you're confident, you can get

away with quite a bit, you know?

'Cause why didn't anybody

stop me?

No one stopped me.

No one--they knew I wasn't

supposed to be going.

But I was so confident

about it that

that's why the catcher

was holding the ball going,

"What? I don't--why's he--

Is he supposed

to be doing this?"

And then I run to second;

it's like,

"Well, no one's that much

of an idiot.

I guess I wasn't

paying any attention."

The ball goes in the outfield.

The outfield--

they're not looking.

They think it's a hit, you know,

for all they know.

And then I guess the umpire

at some point realizes it

and is just like--

well, it's easier for me

to get all the way back to him

to tell me.

At least let me feel

what it would feel like

to get an inside-the-park

home run off a walk.

I was thinking about, too,

like, all the parents

in the stands,

'cause, like, they can't hear

what's going on,

so they're just, like,

watching this,

and then I bat again.

Like, they're just like,

"I guess I don't

understand baseball.

"I thought I knew--

"It's just--baseball's changed

since I was a kid.

"Used to--you go around

like that, you're done.

"You don't have to get

back up there.

I don't like

these new rules."

[applause]

I drink too, which isn't--

like, you know,

that doesn't help.

[person claps]

Me and that guy drink.

We have pretty big problems

and...

Just us two.

[laughs]

It's--

I don't know.

I've had signs

that I should quit drinking.

One was, I did a show.

It was three hours outside

of Phoenix, Arizona.

It was at a Indian casino,

which I don't know

if you're supposed to say.

I'm not--

I don't know.

It's--

I don't know.

It was like--I don't know

what you're supposed to say.

It was a casino.

There was, like,

a crazy amount of Indians there,

and...so I--

[laughter]

I go.

I drive this three-hour drive

to the middle of nowhere.

I get there.

I do the show.

Then I was like,

"I'm gonna go to bed," you know?

Had to get up at 7:00 a.m.,

just be a normal person.

Then I'm meet

this cool Indian dude,

and we drink till 5:00 a.m.

So then I have to get up--

I sleep two hours, get up.

I'm walking outside

with my roller bag.

It's, like, 190 degrees.

I'm just questioning everything

I've ever done in my life.

I'm like,

"What are you doing, dude?"

And I look up,

and there's a wolf.

A real wolf,

just in front of my car,

just staring at me.

Like, and I'm just

looking at this wolf.

I'm like, "Why is this wolf"--

I'm, like, looking around

'cause I'm expecting, like,

some guy to be like,

"Sorry,

my wolf got loose and..."

[laughter]

But there's no guy.

It's just me and this wolf.

And he's just staring at me.

And I don't know

how to make a wolf leave.

You know, you're like,

"Get out of here, wolf."

Like, I don't know--what--

So I'm just staring,

and I'm, like, looking at him.

He's looking right at me.

I said, "Why is he not leaving?"

Then I just was like,

"Wait, is that that Indian dude

I was drinking with last night?"

Is he a wolf?

Is--

[laughs]

It wasn't him.

The wolf left.

The wolf did wander off.

And then I got in my car,

and I was driving back,

and this happened--

This doesn't seem real,

'cause it's back-to-back,

but I'm driving,

and then I get stopped

'cause a helicopter lands

in the middle of the road.

There's no one around

but me and then this helicopter,

and it picks up a guy

and then flies off.

Like, I should've video'd it,

'cause it's the craziest thing

I've ever seen.

But I'm, like, hungover,

so I'm acting like

it happens every day.

Like, I'm honking

at the helicopter, like,

"All right,

out of all days?

You couldn't have hovered

a second and let me get under?"

The other one I had

was, I got real drunk

and let locked myself

out of my hotel room

completely naked.

Yeah, I've done that in my

2-year-old daughter's lifetime.

So...

if she hears this and she's

like, "Oh, was that college?"

It's like, "No, that's when you

were the most dependent on me."

[laughter]

Here's what--look, I don't know

why I was sleeping naked.

You just sleep naked

when you're drunk.

I don't do it normal.

I think it's gross.

But that day, I was like,

"We should try that.

Let's see what that's about."

And then I remember,

I was like,

"I got to put the

'Do Not Disturb' sign on,"

so I walk and I open the door--

"Do Not Disturb" sign,

you can crack the door

and it would fit outside.

But acting like I was, like,

moving a couch outside,

and I was, like,

opening it with my body,

and then I step outside,

and I heard the door shut,

which was the most

sobering noise

I've ever heard

in my entire life.

[laughter and applause]

I was like,

"This is not good at all."

You know, like,

you're way too far.

I'm holding this

"Do Not Disturb" sign,

which is pointless.

It's like I just walked out

to be, like,

a real "Do Not Disturb" sign,

just for the hallway.

I was like,

"Don't come down here.

We're not ready."

[applause]

So I'm standing there,

and I'm like,

"All right,

what are you gonna do?"

You know, so I look,

and there's a window.

I was like,

"I could jump out of that.

That's easier than having

to explain this to my wife."

And then I looked to the left,

and there was a cleaning lady,

and she's just staring at me.

And the reason she's there

is because it's 11:00 a.m.

That's how far in the day it is.

And I'm, like, looking at her--

And, look, I don't have

a body that, like,

when she sees it, I'm like,

"You're welcome," you know?

It's like, "I'm sorry.

Look, I'm really--I don't know."

So I looked at her,

and she knew what I needed,

you know?

Like, we didn't really talk.

Like, I just

kind of looked at her like,

"Whew, you know, this happens--

happens to the best of us,

right?"

[laughter and applause]

And she looked at me like,

"It does not--

it does not happen."

She just let me back in my room.

When I told my comic buddies,

they tried to make me

feel better.

They're like, "I wouldn't even

worry about it.

I bet she sees stuff

like that all the time."

And I was like,

"I bet I'm in her top three."

She might walk in

on people naked,

but no one ever

charges at her naked

and then needs her help,

you know?

Someone might

run by her and laugh.

No one goes up to her like,

"Look, you're the most important

person in my life right now,

"and I need you to be on board

with all of this, all right?

Don't ask questions."

I'll mix it up,

like, too, like,

'cause, you know,

when you're gonna lose weight,

you try to, like, go--

you ever do vodka-soda

when you want to lose weight?

Like, "I'll do vodka-soda,"

then you drink it like beer,

and you wake up in the street.

But you're like, "I'm not

bloated, and that's nice."

You know, that's--

[laughter and applause]

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