Nate Bargatze: Full Time Magic Page #4

[cheers and applause]

It feels so good,

just that little--

you're finding any little thing.

It all does--

it leads to the eating--

like, I mean, look, I don't need

help eating bad at all.

I'll do it naturally.

And drinking just makes it--

the decision that much easier.

I have--

like, I do all chain stuff.

I like my restaurants

to be doing good

everywhere in the country.

I just want to go,

and wherever I go in the--

I've eaten McDonald's

in Dubai.

'Cause I'm like, "Well,

let's see what they're doing."

You know, like,

"What's their McDonald's like?"

It's a little different.

And Applebee's--

I'm a big fan of Applebee's.

You know, I really just--

whatever--

If I eat somewhere

that's not Applebee's,

I will only eat what Applebee's

would serve.

Like, if Applebee's

is not on board with it,

I'm not gonna be, you know?

I eat at Walmart.

You can eat there.

It's fine.

They're fine with it.

And...

[laughter]

Walmart's great.

They're always open.

No one likes--

you know, no one likes Walmart,

but they're always open.

That's why they're great.

There was a fire at a Walmart,

and they did not shut down.

They remained open

during the fire.

Like, some people didn't even

know there was a fire.

Other people thought

they were just selling fire.

Like, that's--

that's not that crazy

of a thing.

I'm a Walmart guy.

I think I'm in the middle,

you know.

I'm not Kmart,

but I'm not Target, you know?

I don't--I'm not old money.

I don't think I'm better

than everybody.

Just right in the middle.

You ever go to Kmart?

Like, Kmart doesn't even

look open when you go in there.

[laughter]

You just walk in, you're like,

"Are you guys about to close?

Are you getting looted

or something?"

They're like,

"No, we're open."

"Are you?

"Are you gonna cut the lights on

on that side of the store?"

[laughter]

"Maybe get some stuff,

you know?"

Kmart looks like

where you go buy stuff

if you were about to open

a new Kmart.

If you--if you needed

shelves for your Kmart,

you're going there

and be like,

"This is--this is good.

I think we're gonna

do it right here."

[applause]

I lived here for eight years,

and I love New York.

I love the driving.

That's what's, like--

See, I think we should all

learn how to drive in Manhattan.

'Cause it's great.

Everybody honks at everybody.

Just screaming, yelling.

That's how it should be.

Growing up in the South,

no one honks ever.

People just sit at lights,

and they're like,

"If you don't want to go,

I totally understand.

"I'm probably not gonna go

when I get up there, so...

"let's just wait it out,

you know?

Let's let traffic die down,

and we'll get home tomorrow."

I once had to take my car

to get it fixed,

and I go to, like,

this mechanic.

It was, like--it looked

like it was just, like,

this dude's house,

and I go inside, and there was,

like--there was a line.

There was, like,

people in there.

So we're sitting there--

they were taking forever,

and we're all getting, you know,

pretty upset about it.

Finally, one of the fellow

customers just starts yelling

at all the employees,

and I was like,

"This guy is great."

Like, I loved it.

Like, I would never do it, but I

like when other people do it.

So I was like, "Good for you.

Just keep yelling at them."

And he keeps yelling,

and then a mechanic comes over

and is like,

"You got to calm down.

You can't yell at us

like that."

And the guy keeps yelling.

I'm like, "This guy is great."

Like, he's getting stuff done.

You know, like,

nothing can happen.

Uh, I was wrong.

Because they fist-fought him.

They fist-fought him, and then

they just dragged him outside.

We just watched it.

Like, all of--

we just--we, like, moved up,

and we're like,

"That's crazy, right?"

And...

[laughter]

Just like, "I guess

that's what goes on here."

Like that's in

the employee handbook.

It's like, "What are you

gonna do if someone gets upset?

"Well, I'd like you to fight 'em

in front of the other customers

"so they get it

"and then drag him outside

"so people driving by

get it as well.

"You know what our motto is--

our motto is,

"'What did you say?

That's what I thought you said.

Keep your mouth shut.'"

Yeah.

[cheers and applause]

You know, I tweeted about it

when it happened.

Like, afterwards,

I thought it was funny.

And they found me.

That's how crazy they were.

They found it on Twitter,

and they were like,

"Hey, could you follow us

so we can send you a message?"

I was like, "How about,

I got the message, all right?

"I got it.

I'll delete the tweet.

Don't worry about it."

They were crazy.

[laughs]

You just don't say--

I don't say anything,

you know, like, you know,

anything about stuff

that goes on.

You just let stuff happen.

I was flying recently,

and I was on my--

Now when you fly, you know

you can leave your phone

in airplane mode.

So I'm, like, sitting there.

We're about to take off.

I'm playing a game.

This lady leans over a guy

and was like, "Hey,

you got to cut your phone off."

And I was like, "What?"

And she goes, "You got to cut

your phone off.

You can't have it on."

I was like, "You don't

have to do that anymore."

And she was like,

"You have to do it."

I go,

"You don't have to do it.

That's not the rules,

you know?"

And she was like, "Look,

I'm not a rule maker."

I was like, "Well, you're

acting like a rule maker,

'cause those are not the rules."

And she just--she goes,

"Cut it off, all right?"

And guess what.

I cut it off.

I cut it off,

and now I think about her

every day.

[laughter and applause]

Every day,

I think about her.

I just want to find her again.

I really do.

If she ever sees this,

you are not right, all right?

I was completely right.

This is, I think,

the only way.

[laughter and applause]

You were wrong about it all.

I travel a lot doing comedy,

which is great.

I've been to, like,

a bunch of different countries,

and I--like,

it's all wasted on me.

It would be better

for you guys to go than me.

I don't know where I'm at,

like, in the world,

like, when I'm there.

Like, I could be an hour

from my parents

or, like, five days.

I'm like, "I don't know.

It's somewhere, you know?"

I went to Bahrain,

and I told people

I went to Bahrain, Saudi Arabia,

like it was the city

of Saudi Arabia.

And they were like, "You know

Bahrain's its own country."

I was like, "Are they now?

Good for those guys, you know?

Yeah, that's good.

Good for them."

I went to Honduras.

I went there.

Pretty--I have a pretty decent

fan base there, and...

[laughter]

Yeah, this special's

gonna blow that place up once--

I mean, they're gonna be like,

"Wow, that's unbelievable."

A lot of fans,

and it's--

No, I'm joking.

[laughs]

It was--it was a USO tour,

so we go.

And I remember

I went to the airport,

and I, like, told the guy--

I was like, "Hey,

I'm going to Honduras."

And the guy was like,

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