Nate Bargatze: Full Time Magic Page #5

"All right, like, what city?"

And I was like, "Well, I mean,

I'm just learning right now

that's not the name

of the city."

[laughter and applause]

"Ugh.

"You know, where do you think

I would be going?

"Like, looking at me,

which plane do you want me

to get on?"

We land in Honduras,

and this guy picks us up.

He's driving us

to the army base,

and on the way there,

he was like, "Look.

There's a couple things

you got to keep an eye out for."

He's like,

"When you go to bed at night,

"you got to check your bed

for spiders.

Like,

spiders hide in your bed."

He's basically just like,

"You're not gonna sleep.

Hope that's cool."

And then he's like,

"There's a lot of snakes too,

"a lot of venomous snakes,

so keep an eye out for snakes.

"But if you do get bit

by a snake,

"the best thing to do is go

ahead and just catch the snake

"and then bring it with you

to the doctor.

"And you're just gonna be like,

'This is the snake

that bit me.'"

And I was like, "What?

"I'm not gonna do

that part of it.

"Like, you want me

to catch a snake, dude?

"I've never caught a snake

in my life.

"And you want me to get bit.

"Then I got to get it together

and catch a snake

for the first time?"

I was like,

"It's not gonna go good.

"He's gonna keep biting me.

That's all that's gonna happen."

And he was like,

"It doesn't matter.

You've already been bit."

And I was like, "What?

"Do you even know

what a snake is?

"Because it completely matters.

"There is a huge difference

between one bite

"and probably 30 bites,

"which is what we will be at

if I try to catch this snake.

"Like, who told you to say this,

the snake?

Is that who you asked?"

[laughter and applause]

I don't believe in science,

you know?

That's just--

I don't understand it,

so it's easier

not to believe in it as a whole.

That gets you

out of a lot of arguments.

If you're just like,

"I don't believe in science,"

they're like, "All right,

do you need help or..."

Scientists

could be making stuff up.

That's a great job to have

if you want to make stuff up,

'cause no one--

no one can challenge you.

You know?

No one, like...

Nobody'll say anything.

Like, they don't even get

in trouble if they mess up.

Like, the Earth

was 2 billion years old.

Then they're like,

"Now it's 4 billion years old."

It's like,

"All right, like,

how many people got fired

after that?"

And they're like, "Nobody."

You're like, "Really?

Y'all just--nothing?

'Cause y'all were way off."

I read beetles

are 320 million years old.

It's like, "Are they?

"Or you just know that I don't

know how to figure that out?

'Cause you could be doing that,

you know?"

Like, I feel like that's

your first job as a scientist.

Like, when you go,

they would just probably do

the beetles thing.

They're just like,

"Go see how old beetles are."

Like when you're a new scientist

and then you're--

You know, you don't think--

the guys are just--

Those guys are, like,

back there, like,

"Just write--

write 320 million.

"Like, it doesn't matter.

Like, who's even gonna check,

you know?"

It's like,

"No one's gonna question us.

We can change it

at any point."

Pluto, you know,

Pluto's not a planet.

Or it might be a planet.

I don't know.

They change it

every five seconds.

The last I heard,

it's not,

and that's, like, crazy.

That's when I left science.

I was like, "I'm out."

Like, "You can't do that.

"You can't jam Pluto

down my throat my whole life,

"and then the second

I get out of school,

you're like, 'We were just

kidding about Pluto.'"

It affected me.

In elementary school,

I got a C minus on a test

because I forgot

to put Pluto,

and turns out,

I should've got above an A.

That's what I should've got.

[laughter and applause]

Yeah.

[cheers and applause]

I should've been asked

to teach the class.

I should've immediately

taught that class

and be like,

"Nate's apparently the best."

I never believed in Pluto,

you know?

I said, "It's too far."

That's what I told people.

I go, "You just--

you guys will see."

[laughter]

[laughs]

I watched a thing

on60 Minutesonce

about, like,

this guy with animals.

It was about buying tigers.

Like, you can buy--

Like,

if you guys want a tiger,

there's a guy you can go to,

and you can buy a tiger

if you want.

And I was like--see,

they did this

whole undercover reporting.

And they filmed, like,

where he keeps tigers.

And then, you know, they, like,

asked him afterwards.

They're like, "Hey,

do you think it's too easy

to buy a tiger in this country?"

And he was like,

"Yeah, yeah, sadly, it is."

And that was, like,

my favorite part, you know?

I was like,

"That's why America's the best."

I didn't even know

you could buy tigers.

I would've been embarrassed

to ask.

And then I watched this,

and I was like,

"I don't even have to jump

through hoops

if I want to buy a tiger."

It's not an all-day thing.

It's an hour.

I'll be right back

with our tiger.

And everybody wants

to get rid of guns, you know,

like guns are the problem,

but what makes me nervous is,

like, you take away

guns from people,

those are the exact same people

that will buy tigers.

[laughter and applause]

That's gonna be a much bigger

problem, all right?

You're probably gonna be like,

"Look, here's your gun back."

They'll be like,

"No, I'm good.

"My tiger is way better

than my gun.

"My gun missed all the time.

"My tiger rarely misses.

"Even if he does miss,

"it's just for a second.

It's never long."

Like, if a guy dodges a tiger

and he's like,

"Your dumb tiger missed,"

it's like, "Well, he did not.

"He's right behind you now.

And he is furious,

so..."

You know that saying, like,

"Guns don't kill people;

people kill people"?

The new saying

will just be like,

"These tigers

are killing people."

I don't know.

It won't be a good saying.

It'll just be asking, like,

"Do you know where

your tiger's at by any chance?

"Do you have any idea?

You don't know?

That's--all right.

That's a big problem."

It's--

[laughs]

I love doing comedy, though.

It's great.

The show's almost over,

just so you guys know.

I like to let--

I like to let everybody know

where we're at.

We're about done.

I think it makes you feel better

when you're like,

"All right, thanks.

Thanks."

Like, how many movies you go to,

and then you're just like,

"Jeez,

this is taking forever."

And if a guy, like,

popped in the screen,

was like,

"It's about to wrap..."

Yeah.

[laughter and applause]

It's...

[applause continues]

I know. I know.

Two more seconds.

[laughs]

And you're like,

"Thanks, man.

That was, you know..."

I love doing comedy.

I was--there was a time

I was gonna quit.

I was gonna quit early on.

I tried.

Then there was no one

to quit to,

no one.

Here's why I do it,

or I think why.

My dad--my dad

is an entertainer as well.

He's a magician.

Still is a magician.

Started as a clown.

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