Nate Bargatze: Full Time Magic Page #6

Just, you know,

I don't want to come off

like I come

from some rich magic family...

[laughter]

And I'm better than you guys.

You know,

he paid his dues,

his clown dues.

It's weird

when your dad's a clown.

It's weird every day.

[laughter]

It's--I never

trusted clowns, you know?

Like, have you ever

been yelled at by a clown?

I have.

Do you know how confusing

that is,

to get screamed at by a guy

that's got a smile

painted on his face?

[laughter]

You're like,

"Is this not the same clown

those kids are gonna see

outside?"

He was a clown

till I was about 12 and 13,

and that's about as long as

you want your dad to be a clown.

When you're six and seven,

there's perks, absolutely.

By the time you're 12 and 13,

kids at school are like,

"Is he still doing that?"

You're like,

"You know, off and on.

"All right, guys?

"Yeah, he's almost

full-time magic, so..."

I--like, it's funny, too,

when I tell people

that my dad was a clown.

People will just be like,

"Oh, I hate clowns."

It's like, "Hey, remember--

remember that time

I just said my dad was a clown?"

[laughter and applause]

"I just said that.

You're just like,

'I hate your father.'"

[laughter]

[laughs]

Hanging out with comedians

is, like, some of the best,

the funnest time--

I don't know--

because comedians are crazy.

They can be.

Like, a good buddy of mine

is a comedian.

His name's Luis J. Gomez,

and...

(woman)

Whoo!

Big fans.

A couple Luis J. Gomez fans.

Me and Luis once, we go

to McDonald's to go eat, right?

Like, I'm a big fan,

so, uh...

And everybody acts like,

when I go there,

they're like, "Haven't

been here in forever."

It's like, "Don't act like

I'm the one keeping 'em afloat.

All right? You know?

Someone's coming here."

So we go in.

[laughs]

We ordered our food,

and then we take our food,

and we sit down at our table.

And then Luis

went to the bathroom.

He left me alone

with his food.

So I was, "You know what?

I'm gonna play a prank on him."

So I grabbed his hamburger.

I unwrapped it.

I took a bite out of it.

Then I wrapped it back up.

I put it back down

on his tray.

So that's my big prank,

right?

Like, when he comes back

from the bathroom,

I'll be like, "Dude,

did they eat your burger

"before they gave it to you?

"That's crazy that they're

doing that, right?

Is that crazy?"

It's a stupid prank.

It's harmless.

It should never leave the table.

All that should happen is,

Luis should come back,

he should open his burger,

his first reaction should be

to look at his best friend,

who's sitting with him,

who also, by the way,

dabbles in comedy...

[laughter and applause]

And just be like, "Hey, I just

wanted to run this by you,

"uh, before I unexpectedly

go freak out

on this entire McDonald's."

That's what I thought

would go down,

just a quick, "Hey,

did you touch my food

"the only time

it was out of my sight?

"I just want to know

"before I try to fight

a group of people

"that are gonna be

pretty confused

on why they're fighting."

But instead, I got to learn

I'm friends with a lunatic

and a guy comfortable

fighting McDonald's employees,

because he opened his burger

and could not

have ignored me quicker.

He looked at them so fast,

almost like he expected them

to do it, like...

[laughter]

Like it's happened before,

and he's like, "Again?

Again with this?"

He just starts yelling

at everybody, just,

"I'm gonna fight everybody till

I find out who ate my burger."

He gets up.

He starts walking towards 'em.

I can't believe

this is even working.

We are so much farther

than I'm prepared to get.

So I grab him;

I was like,

"Dude, I ate your burger.

I ate it.

"Why would you

not look at me once

to see if I did this?"

I walked him back to the table,

and we sit down,

but it's already, like, weird.

Like, everybody's, like,

looking at us.

It takes ten minutes

for people to quit filming us

with their phones.

And it hits me.

I start, like,

thinking about it.

I go, "Dude."

I go, "Luis.

"You're out of your mind.

You're gonna get killed

one day, dude."

I was like, "You were

about to go fight a guy."

I was like, "Let's pretend

I'm not here, all right?

"Let's pretend that someone

did eat your burger

"that worked at this McDonald's.

"You were gonna go

blindly fight that guy.

"Not even try to size him up,

see what he looks like?

"Do you really think

you could beat up a guy

"that is apparently

pretty confident in himself

"that he's making burgers,

he's then eating 'em,

"and then he's wrapping 'em up

and just sending 'em out

to whoever?"

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

"You don't think

that guy's probably

"the greatest fighter

of all time?

"I think you're gonna walk

to that McDonald's counter

"and be like,

'Who ate my burger?'

"And all the McDonald's

employees are gonna part ways.

"They know exactly

who you're talking about.

"In the very back,

you're gonna see a guy

"cracking his neck.

"He's got his fist

in the fryer,

"doesn't even know it.

He's just warming

his hands up."

Guys, thank you so much

for coming out.

You were unbelievable.

Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

[upbeat rock music]

Thank you.

Thank you.

You were great.

[projector whirs]

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