National Lampoon Presents Dorm Daze

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Hey, Pete!

Hey, hold this.

I bought some sausage

to go with crackers

for Adrienne and me

because we made out last night.

Think she likes crackers?

I can't right now.

I gotta go. I'm in a hurry.

I bought French sausage

because I believe Adrienne's family

is of French descent.

Interesting. Look, I gotta go.

There should be plenty

if you want some later.

- Okay. Good luck.

- See you.

- You all right? Go!

- Wish me luck!

Last final.

Aced it, baby. Aced it!

Party time!

It all starts now.

Hey, I'm trying to study.

Booker, you finished

your last final yesterday.

I'm getting a head start

on next semester.

Wrong kind of head, little brother,

because today, you become a man.

No longer--get up--will you

look at yourself and see a little boy.

No longer will you cry in the shower

knowing no matter how hard you scrub,

you cannot rid yourself

of that most heinous of afflictions.

- Virginity!

- I don't cry in the shower.

Settle down.

This is all a very complicated process,

so pay attention.

Chicks won't have sex with a guy unless

the guy's bagged at least four other chicks.

Girls are shallow and want

a guy with experience--like me.

How am I supposed

to have sex with a girl

if girls won't have sex with a guy

who hasn't had sex?

The same way all men have been

doing it for thousands of years.

- The on-ramp to manhood--whores.

- I'm not going to a hooker!

- Don't you wanna be cool like me?

- You're not cool.

- Yes, I am.

- I'm not going to a hooker.

Look, I figured you'd try

and p*ssy out like this,

being the p*ssy that you are,

you p*ssy!

So I've already called an escort service,

your whore's on the way,

and I told everyone, so they're all gonna

think you're a homo if you don't do her.

I'm not giving

my special gift to a hooker.

I'm in love with Rachel.

You're a fag!

Forget that prude.

And that's for calling virginity

your special gift.

If you must call it something,

call it your horrible shame,

because that's what it is,

loser ass.

Did you really tell everyone

you got me a hooker?

Yes.

Now, you're gonna have sex with

this whore, and you're gonna like it.

Merry Christmas.

Did you hear?

Styles got Booker a prostitute.

- No way.

- Yes, way! He told me himself.

Pete, you've gotta hear this.

- I gotta meet someone at the station.

- Friend from out of town?

We're carpooling home for break.

- What's with the Christmas tree?

- Foosball bought it.

We're not supposed to have

Christmas trees--it's a fire hazard.

But the R.A. went home,

so who cares?

Whatever. See ya.

No, I can't come down.

I'm waiting for someone here!

No, I can't!

Adrienne, did you hear

about the prostitute?

Yeah, Styles told me.

It's disgusting. I don't even think

we should let her in the house.

- I agree.

- Tony, did you hear?

Yes, I heard about the prostitute,

and, no, I don't care.

- But prostitution--

- You know what?

You two need to stay out

of other people's sh*t.

You need to get a life.

He's such an a**hole.

I don't know why Claire's with him.

Yeah, what an a**hole.

- Don't you think Tony's an a**hole?

- Yeah.

- What's your problem?

- I kinda made out with Newmar last night.

I'm trying to avoid him.

I don't even need to tell you

how pathetic that is.

Maybe he'll forget about it

over Christmas.

- I doubt it. He's Jewish.

- How long are you here?

My last final's on Saturday.

I can't leave until then.

Come on, Lynne.

Let's go yell at Styles.

No prostitute is coming into this dorm

if I have anything to say about it.

- Hey, Adrienne.

- Gerri, how was the spelunking trip?

It was tough

but sort of interesting.

What's this?

From the university.

Maybe your appeal went through.

I wish. There's no way I'm getting

my scholarship back for next semester.

My grades were true sh*t.

- Who's the package from?

- I don't know.

I knew it. They rejected the appeal.

Oh, well. So much for college.

- What are you gonna do?

- I don't see that there's--

Have a great holiday, too.

- Hey, guys. What's up?

- Hi, Claire.

Gerri, I'm going to the gym.

It's cardio-abs day. Wanna come?

- That was close.

- Explanation?

I kinda borrowed Claire's

favorite handbag without asking,

and I have no idea where I left it.

I'm trying to avoid her

until I can find it.

Or maybe she'll forget

about it over Christmas.

Yeah, you're screwed.

Do me a favor? A foreign exchange

student's meeting me here soon,

but I have to run down to work.

- Could you meet her for me?

- I'd like to, but I got a lot of--

Hey, Wang.

Hey, have you seen Adrienne?

No. Could you do me a favor?

Yeah. Maybe later, buddy.

But--but...

- You lose his bag, too?

- We kinda hooked up last night.

Shut up!

I was depressed.

I was hitting on Foosball all night

and he was totally ignoring me.

- lsn't Foosball gay?

- No!

- Sure. I'm here for you.

- Thanks, Foos.

Her name's Dominique,

she's French,

and she's gonna call my phone,

so hang on to it.

Do you still have

my copy of Steel Magnolias?

Booker's got it, I think.

He and Rachel were watching it.

- By the way, you're gay, right?

- Yeah.

Suck one! It's a free country

and I can get a whore if I want to!

No, you can't.

It's against the law.

Yeah, you're going to jail, mister.

Suck one!

Oh, my God!

Did I just hit you?

I am so sorry!

It's okay.

I was just looking for my handbag.

Okay. Well, did I leave

my books in here?

I don't know. I didn't see them.

But you can look if you want.

I'm on the way

to the gym, okay? Bye, baby.

"Britney, hope this

takes care of things.

Call me if you need

anything else. Lorenzo."

- Yeah?

- Lorenzo?

Hey. no names.

So. you got the package?

- Yeah, it's just--

- Cool.

We're square. right?

We're good?

I think there's been

some kind of mix-up.

What are you saying?

Is there a problem?

Well, yeah. The bag isn't--

You know what? We shouldn't

talk over the phone.

Meet me at the university arboretum

in 15 minutes.

- Yeah, but--

- Center bench.

So, you lost

all your money in Vegas?

I had a system, you know?

- But it didn't work.

- Right.

- Then Beth broke up with me.

- 'Cause you lost all your money?

I lost all her money, too.

Whatever. Then there's

the thing with the cat.

I don't even wanna hear about the cat.

- It was an accident.

- I'm sure it was.

That's in the past, man. What time

are you gonna be done with work?

I'm done at 6:
00.

Just hang out at my dorm.

It's co-ed. You'll like it.

No one's gonna bother me, right?

I'm really not in the mood

for conversation. Just wanna chill out.

Pete, can you do me a big favor?

Tell Foosball my foreign exchange

student doesn't speak English well.

Foosball, no English. Cool.

I gotta get to work.

Come on, let's go.

Britney.

Lorenzo?

What's the problem?

You're expecting more?

Well, it's just that l...

What? Don't wanna talk in public?

I understand.

Got someplace private we can go?

- Yeah, like a restaurant?

- No, like private.

Listen, there's something

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