National Lampoon Presents Dorm Daze Page #2

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I have to tell you--

I think that guy

right there's watching us.

Let's go.

This is your target.

You seem a little nervous.

I understand. You're worried

about your performance.

But you know what?

I have a fail-safe cure for that.

I wasn't gonna

share this with you,

but what's

an older brother for, right?

This is my beat-off rag.

I've been beating off with this

since I was in sixth grade.

I've never washed it, either.

It brings me luck.

- Oh, God, no!

- Oh, Booker, yes.

- Before Dominique gets here--

- Who's Dominique?

Your whore, you idiot.

Did you lose your virginity

to a hooker?

Hell, no.

I don't have to pay for it.

But Dominique comes

highly recommended,

so I'll probably do her

once you're done.

I want you to jerk off with this

before she gets here, okay?

I call it Susie. Trust me,

you are gonna be a stallion. Take it.

No!

Don't be such a girl.

It's just semen! Take it!

What the hell was that?

Nothing.

- What's up?

- I think that rag cut me.

Can I get my copy

of Steel Magnolias back?

Hey, guys.

This is my friend Cliff.

He's from France,

he doesn't speak any English,

so don't bother talking to him.

Look. Cola.

Yeah, let's go.

You know, I just realized the amount

you sent is what I agreed to.

I think I was just thinking

of another job.

So, you're saying we're cool?

Yeah, we're cool.

I'll keep in touch.

Wait. What do you say

we hang and talk for a bit?

I've wanted to meet you

in person for a long time,

Miss Master of Disguise.

I gotta a couple choice jobs

I want to run by you

that I think we could pull together.

I got a shitload of stuff

I gotta take care of.

Fifteen minutes.

Come on.

It'll be worth your while.

All right. Fine.

Fifteen minutes.

But...here's the deal.

I've set myself up in a dorm.

My name is Gerri Farber.

Don't do anything to blow my cover.

Claire, we have got to stop that prostitute

from coming in this house.

Sure. Whatever.

I'm not gonna stand by and watch

the moral decay of this dormitory.

What happened to your face?

Tony hit me.

With the door.

He hit me with the door.

I'll see you guys later.

- Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

- Tony's beating Claire.

He hit her with the door?

That was a pretty lame cover.

Didn't I tell you there was

something up with him?

You did!

French?

You didn't want to talk to anybody,

now they won't bother.

I don't speak French, man.

Neither does anyone else

in this dorm, so who cares?

We leave tomorrow, anyways.

I'm late for work.

I should've been there

like five minutes ago.

Oh, crap. Foosball.

- Have you seen Foosball?

- He's in McFee's room.

- Can you tell him something for me?

- I'm thirsty.

Newmar! I need you to go

to McFee's room and tell--

and tell Foosball the girl he's

waiting for doesn't speak English.

Yeah, but after l--

- Okay, fine.

- Thanks.

What the hell

is wrong with you two?

We're on to you, wife beater.

- What?

- We're on to you.

You know, sometimes I hate

this place. I really hate this place.

So, how long did it take you

to set all this up?

Over a year.

How do you feel

about armored cars?

Take Suzie and go use her

in the bathroom.

- No.

- Take it, Booker.

- Leave me alone!

- Take Suzie--now!

Shut up!

I'm calling Rachel.

Rachel lives

down the hall, tard. Tard!

Will you go easy on him?

He's nervous.

You know this is

a no-smoking dorm, don't you?

Good thing Brady went out of town.

Hey, when the cat's away,

it's time to play.

Give this back to me.

I have to go use the can.

Okay, when he comes out,

I'll just tell him that I love him.

Not tell him that I love him.

Tell him that I want him.

That is much sexier.

Adrienne!

- Where's Foosball?

- In the can.

- Are you guys waiting for a girl?

- Yeah.

Okay, I'm supposed to tell you

that she doesn't speak any English.

- Awesome!

- Okay.

Wait! Does that mean

she's here already?

I don't know.

She's here!

She doesn't speak

any English, either!

- Be a man!

- Rachel. it's me.

God!

He's here.

Get off the damn phone, Booker.

Your whore is here.

Can I help you?

Who are you looking for?

- I am looking for--

- Beat it, Marla.

Hi. You Dominique?

Great. Follow me.

- That's the prostitute?

- Yes, now get lost.

I am Dominique.

I am student from France--

- Get out, tramp!

- What? I am from France.

Come on, Dominique.

Ignore her. She's a b*tch.

- Come on.

- B*tch.

Lynne!

Come on.

Loser!

Go freshen up, okay?

I have to prep him.

Come on!

- Have you guys seen Adrienne?

- Screw off, Newmar.

We could tell Foosball

about the prostitute.

He'll be on our side.

Gay guys are really sensitive.

Have you seen the prostitute?

She looked like such a skank.

Exactly what I pictured

a call girl looking like.

- A prostitute?

- I am from France.

Two hours max.

Next job's across town.

I'll be out in a flash.

I miss you.

Yeah. me. too.

- Hey, how's it going?

- Not too bad.

Listen, has anyone ever said anything

to you about thinking I'm a wife beater?

What?

Never mind, man.

You doing anything?

Just waiting for Wang's foreign

exchange student to show up. Why?

Well, Adrienne and I have

this acting final on Saturday,

and I can't find her anywhere.

You wanna help me?

- What's it about?

- Just some melodramatic crap.

My character knocks up

Adrienne's character.

In this scene, it's us fighting.

I don't know what

to do with a baby.

It's driving me nuts!

Of course I want her

to have the abortion,

but she won't listen to me.

So, I've made it up

in my mind to dump her.

Oh, God! Are you thinking

what I'm thinking?

Tony got clair pregnant and wants her to

get an abortion or he's gonna dump her!

Oh, my God!

Hello? Dominique.

All right,

I'll be right down.

I'll catch you later. If you see Adrienne,

tell her I'm looking for her.

What's wrong with you?

Stop being such a lame-ass.

Leave me alone!

I love Rachel!

- Hello?

- Who is this?

- Who's this?

- This is Wang.

I'm gonna give you to the count

of three to get out of there.

Booker. why are you

answering my phone?

- You're not mom!

- One...

- I'm busy. What do you want?

- Two...

I was trying to reach Foosball to see

how things went with Dominique.

- Three.

- Everything go okay?

Stop pressuring me!

My arm is broken, Booker!

Booker! Oh. my God.

The bone is popping out!

I'm gonna faint.

Mom's gonna kill me.

and it's your fault!

Booker. it's broken!

Sucker!

Dominique, I presume?

- That's me.

- Come in.

- So, you're French?

- Should I be?

- Yeah, that's what I was told.

- Then I'm French.

- Your English is wonderful.

- So is yours.

So, you just wanna wait for Wang?

Why wait?

I guess you could just come in with me,

or you could stay in his room.

Who has my money?

Money? I don't know anything

about any money.

Well, who's my guy?

Where is he?

I'm sorry. I thought you knew.

He had to step out for a second.

God. This is great.

Why don't you wait in his room?

He'll be back any minute.

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