National Lampoon Presents Dorm Daze Page #3

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Okay, yeah. Whatever.

I'm just saving you from yourself.

I'm gonna go get

your whore. Okay?

Don't even think about trying

to make a run for it.

But how do you know

he's your soul mate?

I just know.

Kind of like you and Newmar.

What?! No, no. Last night

was an accident. That was--

Who is it?

It's Tony.

Is Adrienne in there?

Yeah. Hang on a sec.

I thought you might be Newmar.

I've been looking

everywhere for you.

We really need

to work on this scene.

All right, let's get

down to business!

Where is Wang?

Wow. Your accent is awesome!

His wang is right in here.

There he is.

Be gentle, okay?

He's nervous.

Can you understand

what I say?

Where is Wang?

I want Wang.

Wow, you're an eager one.

See, Booker. Your brother

knows how to pick 'em.

All right, he is the one.

Him right there. Hello? Hi.

I'm gonna leave

you two alone, okay? Bye.

Okay, is there a problem here?

That's right, money is

always up front. How stupid.

Twenty, forty, sixty, eighty,

one hundred. There you go.

All right? Knock 'em dead.

Okay, come on.

Knock it off, Styles.

Clearly she doesn't want to do this.

Listen, she's a whore.

They have no discretion.

This must be part of some little act.

Start grabbing her ass.

All right, something is obviously wrong.

Booker, go wait in the hall.

She must want to haggle.

I'll fix this.

Rachel, it's me.

So, maybe if you're naked

when he comes back in, that'll help.

Go for it.

That's right, you don't speak

any English. Okay, look.

Get it? Hello?

No? Okay.

All right.

Hi. Look at the birdie.

See, you just need to go--

I think I really got

a hold of my character.

- Don't tell her you saw me!

- What?

- How are you?

- Good.

- Check out my abs!

- Nice.

- Punch me in the gut.

- Give me a break.

Seriously, I'm feeling

ripped right now.

No, we got people in the hall.

Come on, don't be a weiner.

Just do it.

Fine, but you asked me

to do it--remember that.

Bring it.

Oh, my gosh!

I can explain.

She asked for it.

I'm sure they all ask for it, Tony.

I don't mean she asked like--

Honey, tell them

that you asked me to do it.

It's not what it looks like.

He's trying to give her a miscarriage.

We've got to get her out of here.

Okay, sure.

We believe you.

Can we have a word

with you alone, Claire?

Wait, explain to these nags

that I'm not beating you.

Goddamnit, tell them!

Quit trying to scare her into lying.

What was that all about?

Don't ask.

They're frickin' insane.

Why are you hiding?

Well, I accidentally stole

Claire's favorite handbag,

and then I kind of lost it.

The one her grandmother gave her?

She'll kill me if she finds out.

Don't tell her you saw me!

I'm still looking for it.

I won't say anything,

but I would find it if I were you.

Look, we gotta work on this scene.

I don't wanna look like an idiot.

Well, let me hold the script,

'cause I'm still a bit rusty on my lines.

Are you ready? Okay.

- You're not having that baby!

- Yes, I am!

Hey, sexy.

- I want you.

- I bet you do.

You know you're the only one

who's ever pleased me.

That's funny.

I've heard that before.

I need you to do it to me so hard.

Oh, I will.

I'm gonna give it to you so good.

Yes, you are!

I'm gonna lick every inch

of your gorgeous body.

I can't wait to get

my hands on those tits.

What?

Oh, no!

Okay, that's good.

That's good.

Wait. Stop. What about me?

What about me? Come on!

You don't need us.

You've got Suzie.

I don't want Suzie.

Girls!

What the...?

How'd I get in the closet?

Crazy French whore!

Booker! Booker,

get me out of here!

What's all this about?

This way.

Who's this?

Some goon Pete is friends with.

Don't worry, he doesn't speak English.

- Are you kidding?

- No, I'm pretty sure. Jackass?

Do you understand a word

I'm saying to you,

or is your brain pierced, too?

Perfect. Okay, about Tony,

we know what's been going on.

You guys think Tony's beating me,

right? That's what this is about?

- Don't try to lie about it.

- Or the baby.

We overheard him talking to Foosball.

We know he's beating you because he

doesn't want you to have the baby.

Well, honey, we're here for you.

What baby?

Claire...the one in your womb.

Seriously, Marla,

I'm not pregnant.

- Are you sure?

- Yes!

Tony must've been talking

about a different girl!

He's beating Claire

over the frustration over his mistress!

He's not beating me,

and no one is pregnant.

I'm gonna settle this, okay?

You guys just wait here,

and I'm gonna go talk to Tony.

So, I let Nick Stuckis

feel me up last Tuesday.

- Over or under the shirt?

- Under. What am l, 12?

- You're not having that baby!

- Yes, I am!

Listen, b*tch, you're gonna have

that abortion either way!

If you won't go to the clinic,

I'm gonna knock you down them stairs!

I can't believe you.

You think you could

just have sex with me

wheneveryou want

and not pay the price?

You are a loser!

And don't think I won't tell

your skanky-ass girlfriend!

Look, b*tch, you won't tell her

a goddamn thing!

What's going on in there?

Nothing! I'm changing!

Don't open the door yet.

Hold on.

Tony, who's in there with you?

No one!

Can you come back later?

I'm looking for something.

Yeah, fine.

I'll come back later. A**hole.

Oh, sh*t. She's pissed.

I gotta go after her.

You can split, if you want.

I don't think

that makes you a slut.

Sometimes a bathroom stall

is all you can find.

It's Adrienne.

Tony's been messing around

with her behind my back,

and she is most certainly pregnant.

Wow. And she screwed around

with Newmar, too.

What a slut!

She wants to tell me,

but he threatened her if she did!

You need to confront her.

Let's go.

See, it's like clockwork.

Every Tuesday and Thursday, this truck

picks up between one and two mill--

Put it on pause

for a second there, chief.

I have to go to the bathroom.

I'll be right back.

Where is she?

- Who?

- Come on. Claire.

She went outside.

Marla, you moron.

Like I don't have my keys.

Sh*t, I don't have my keys.

Marla, open the door!

- Hi!

- Did you find her?

No. Are you sure

she went downstairs?

Yeah.

Is someone out there?

What? No. Why?

Can you excuse me

for one minute?

Newmar, have you seen Adrienne?

Never mind.

What the hell?

I'm glad to see I'm not

the only one you're hiding from.

I'm not hiding from you.

Somebody open the door!

Well, if you're not

hiding from me, then...

that's great, because...

'cause I bought us a big sausage,

and...it's French.

You are

of French descent, right?

Look, Newmar,

about last night...

I was kind of drunk.

Yeah!

I was really drunk.

Yeah.

I like somebody else.

Is it me?

No, of course it isn't you.

It's somebody else.

Somebody who's not in this room

and is not you.

I see.

You don't like me.

'Cause I'm weird

and I'm boring

and I'm unattractive

and I have really bad hair.

No, no.

It's 'cause of something else.

So, you mean there's more?

Newmar, someday you're gonna

find a girl that really likes you.

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