Nature Calls

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You're sure about this?

Mm-hmm.

[ whispering ]

Why are you guys in my school?

Are we supposed

to have scouts now?

Mikey, we just need to chat, okay?

Now, usually, we'd talk to you

like men should talk to a little boy,

but, today, we're gonna talk

like we're all men.

Let's all make

a scouting promise.

No matter what

we talk about in here,

nobody's gonna cry, okay?

Agree?

Why would we cry?

Sometimes you don't see a thing

coming till it hits ya.

Then it goes in your ears,

it goes into your heart,

and you can feel it hurting

all the way down.

I mean, Mikey, you can feel it

hurting all the way down

to your little butt crack, you feel it.

It's like a punch

to your insides, man.

And you're not expecting this.

It's like a sucker punch.

Waah!

Mikey, you know, we all have people

that we can depend on.

Ivan's got me,

and Eddie's got Ivan, and,

hey, all three of us,

we've got you.

And I've got my dad.

RANDY:
Oh, boy.

Okay, you know,

my dad's been sick for a long time,

and he's not gonna be

around forever.

I know this.

And maybe you haven't

had time to think about this, but,

you know, our dads...

Your dad loves you, man,

no matter what,

and no matter

where he might be.

RANDY:

Even if he goes away.

- Goes away forever.

- Forever?

Is he okay?

What? Wait.

Is he dead?

This is the sucker punch

that I was talking about.

Mikey...

I'm not gonna cry, Mr. Stevens.

Um...

Do you want a cigarette?

You? No.

Okay, okay.

[ Imitates sound of cigarette lighter]

[ Exhaling ]

[ Exhaling ]

RANDY:
You made the right choice

by becoming a Boy Scout.

Even without a dad,

we're always going to be here for you.

That is in our blood.

It's part of our history.

Look at the great men

who came before us. It's FDR.

Whatk up, Neil Armstrong?

Hey, look, Hank Aaron.

Bill Gates, David Bowie,

Donald Rumsfeld...

This brave,

honorable group of men,

none of them are losers,

and all of them started as scouts.

My father founded one of

the greatest scouting troops in the country.

He raised my brother and me

by the pages

of the "Boy Scout Handbook,"

and I followed in every one

of my dad's footsteps.

But my brother hated the woods

and mocked our uniforms

and camping trips.

He quit, and the other boys

were quick to follow,

deserting our troop.

The scouts became a joke to them.

[fire hisses]

Like right now,

I'm losing my dad, too.

And when he's gone,

it'll be up to me to step fon/vard,

become the leader

of the next generation of scouts,

and guide our troop

down those paths to greatness.

- [ heart monitor beeping]

- MAN, on TV:
And three...

and two...

We're gonna do eight more,

and we're gonna go all the way.

[upbeat music playing]

J' We had it made J'

J' We'd walk and talk and thought J'

J' And figured it out J'

J' Way out J'

J' Scream and shout J'

J' Sing it again J'

[snoring]

[Ivan groaning]

It's fine.

Just come and

put your hand like this,

and push it hard.

No.

Look, the blood that's going to his feet,

it's coming from here.

That's where you

gotta stop the blood flow, man.

Yeah. Tibbits, go.

It's just his femoral artery. Do it.

IVAN:

Come on, Tibbits. [groans]

EDDIE:
Go ahead, Tibbits.

I don't want to.

It's sweaty and gross in there.

So, Tibbits, you're gonna

let him bleed to death?

No, Tibbits.

Don't let me die.

RANDY:
With the amount

of blood he has lost,

he's looking

at an amputation or death

unless you jump to thejob

and save his life.

[ laughing ]

I wouldn't touch that.

That's how you get diarrhea.

Elevate the leg, all right?

And you tie the tourniquet here.

You can save a leg and a life.

[giggling]

Look, hey, I know this looks

creepy and weird, okay?

And a lot of people die

because somebody else

doesn't want to look creepy

and weird, right?

You gotta get past that.

All right. Look, Tibbits,

we're gonna work on this

this weekend.

Any questions?

[grunting]

We've been installing these ATMs

- all over the friggin' place.

- Mm-hmm.

And the secret's pretty simple.

Just get people

to want to use 'em.

Like this guy right here.

One of our first jobs.

Simple enough.

Use this ATM, get a gumball.

Kids come by, want gum,

Mom needs money, and boo-yah!

We get a $4.75 fee.

Wait, that's genius. $4.75?

Yeah, and we've been

installing them everywhere,

daycare centers, hospitals...

I just made a deal

with a funeral home in Tulsa.

Man, I'm interested.

Whoa! Whoa! Dwande.

I said no dogs in the house.

[chuckling]

We're gonna get you

real-deal friends. Humans.

Right, Janine?

Oh, is this your wife?

KIRK:

Janine, this is Drew Pritchard.

We are talking to him about

putting some ATM machines

in his dentist office in...

And who is this little guy?

JANINE:

This is Dwande, our son.

Oh, are you having

a birthday party?

It's not my birthday.

It's an adoption day party.

He's one.

One what?

One year in the U.S. of A.

Well, he's 10, actually.

DREW:
[laughing ] Okay.

He's from Africa, man!

Whoa, that's the real deal.

Africa?

Janine was in the...

What's that called, honey?

Peace Corps.

KIRK:
She was all

"Save the whales" in college.

I'm sitting there,

adoption papers in hand,

I'm flying to a city with no vowels,

and I'm thinking...

What you're thinking is,

"if he can play basketball,

"this is golden."

[both laughing]

[clearing throat]

But, seriously,

first time I saw this little guy

was a pretty special moment.

RANDY:
As a special surprise

for tonight's meeting

and for the cam pout this weekend,

yours truly managed to procure

the founder and scoutmaster

of this very troop,

my father and scoutmaster,

Stuart Stevens!

[ Applause]

Where's your uniform, Kent?

Mommy says I don't have to wear

that bullshit outfit if I don't want to.

Okay. First off, it's not bullshit,

and secondly, you have to wear it

if you're gonna go

camping this weekend.

KENT:
Screw camping!

Especially in that crap-ass

church parking lot.

Why are you a scout, Kent?

For my rsum.

You got a rsum?

Yes. Do you?

I can't go this weekend either.

What? Tibbits, no.

This is for your Lifesaving badge

advancement.

My mom said I should

go to a sleepover instead.

Sorry, Randy. I'm not going neither.

- Gary!

- Prior obligations.

Dude, you're eight years old.

What kind of obligations you got?

Slumber party.

Guys, camping is a slumber party.

Are you still gonna do

magic tricks tonight?

No. No. Dismissed.

TIBBITS:

Wait. We can go home early?

Yes! Go! All right?

Troop dismissed!

All right, Randy, take a breath.

This is ridiculous, you know?

I know that camping in the parking lot

is lame, okay?

I know that,

but these moms! It's...

They won't let the kids

more than five miles from the house.

Gary's mom insists he has at least

three bars of cell phone service

and access to a flush toilet.

You know, when Stuart started this troop,

he had 90 scouts.

What about

the little African immigrant?

Yeah, what about your nephew?

Why doesn't he come?

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