Nature Calls Page #2

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My brothefs not into it.

Have you showed them

the recruitment video?

I don't want to

show them that video.

Randy, first

you sell the kids on this,

then you get the kids to sell the dads.

It's called up-selling.

Double teaming.

EDDIE:

You gotta think like a CEO, man.

We shouldn't

have to show them this video.

They should want to do it!

Hey, look, they're kids, man.

You gotta sell them on stuff.

That's how it works. You gotta do

the yickety-yickety-yickety, man.

Or otherwise, I'm gonna

tell you something, Randy,

we might as well just go ahead

and do something else, okay?

We are taking

my father camping.

Randy. Randy, chill, all right?

Just take a break, right?

Re-evaluate, man.

We're going camping.

We are not abandoning you.

We're going if it's just us and him

in the parking lot!

Right. Right. Right.

So you tell me,

without the boys,

how is that scouting, man?

[police show gunfire blaring on TV]

KIRK:

Ah, you've gotta be kidding me, man!

- Those effects are so cheap.

- GENTRY:
Cheap!

- So obviously fake.

- Totally fake.

KIRK:
Every time you see a guy

on fire in one of these,

- he's got his arms out like that...

- [ Gentry laughing]

Totally fake!

No one would do that!

Looks real to me.

Please, Janine,

shut your hole, all right?

JANINE:

You weren't even invited.

- What do you mean?

- [ doorbell rings]

That was my bedroom before...

KIRK:

Would you get the door, Janine?

JANINE:

I'm pretending you're not here.

I would be rolling around on the ground

trying to save my ass.

You know what I'm saying?

I know exactly what you're saying.

But maybe this was before

computer effects were invented.

Hey, Moses, you need to knock

that computer crap off, all right?

We're not talking about computers!

We're talking about a real man

with real fire here.

God, focus up already!

Oh!

Oh, no! F*** me, I missed it.

What happened?

What happened? I missed it!

- It's outta here.

- Oh, sh*t!

F***in' Moses f***ed me up!

MRS. HARTNETT:
I brought a few more of 'em.

I hope you don't mind.

JANINE:

Oh, no, great.

They were all supposed

to go camping this weekend,

and I talked their mothers into this.

It's a much safer choice.

And such a good cause.

Uh, good cause?

Well, finding, you know,

friends for your new little boy.

Real American friends.

Hey, Leonard,

say hello to Ruanday.

Dwande. Dwande!

Oh, for heaven's sake,

Leonard, shake his hand.

You don't even know

anybody from Africa!

Hey, what's going on in here,

young warriors?

- You ready to have some fun?

- BOYS:
Yeah!

Let me take these TVs.

Everybody in there.

Take the TVs in there.

All right. Come on, Dwande.

[ laughing ]

This is a really big step

for Leonard.

He's never done anything like this.

Oh, he's never been

to a sleepover?

No. Honestly, I--I...

I can't imagine

having my eyes off him

even for one night.

It just makes me nervous.

Oh! Please remember to have him

use his inhaler before bed.

- Got it.

- Yeah.

I just want him

to be tougher, you know?

I don't know why he's not latching on

to all those guy stuff.

Hmm. Well, listen,

they're perfectly safe here.

That gentleman is

Kirk's chief of security,

so, really, there's nothing

to worry about.

[shouting] F*** yeah!

Smackdown is on, shitheads!

[ Cheering ]

All right, listen up, kids.

Tonight, very special night,

we've done it all for you.

Four hours to hook up

a dozen TVs to watch.

KIRK:
That's right.

"HD" stands for high-def.

We also upgraded

to the triple diamond package.

That means we have

over 2,500 channels.

Yes!

And we got $800 worth

of firepower here

going up after the game tomorrow!

What? No way!

That's amazing!

By the way, guys,

illegal gunpowder.

KIRK:
Straight from China.

Oh, check it out! Check it out!

Big game. All right,

I got, like, $2,000 on this.

What?!

What the hell is this? What?

Dwande! Dwande, buddy, no.

This is live TV, man.

Ah, Dwandel Do something!

Change it, man!

- [ Woman moaning]

- Aah!

[ Boys cheering ]

- Yes!

- [ laughs]

Oh, God.

MOSES:
Naked lady!

Look at those bazongas!

Oh! What?

Come on, man!

No, no, no, no!

Look here, kids. Oh, it's a hit!

Put it back!

Okay! All right. Cheer, fellas!

God. Did you see that girl?

- She was getting...

- Hey.

F***in' waffl--

What?

[crowd cheering on TV]

[boys shouting in living room]

[pencil scratching on paper]

Hey, Dwande.

Listen, I'm hanging on

by my fingernails here,

so let's go tell your dad about

this camping trip we're going on.

He's gonna love it.

He might freak out, but let's go tell him.

Okay, this is for you,

and now let's take a look.

Not a lot of places left

around here to go camping.

Everything here's paved over,

and the point is to be away from all this,

so there's not much choice,

unless we want to go

all the way out here.

This place is restricted.

You know why?

'Cause it's awesome.

That's where my dad used to

take us when we were kids.

GENTRY:
[in living room]

Okay, guys, let's get this going!

That is where we are gonna go.

ALL:
Shakes! Shakes!

Shakes! Shakes!

Hey, Janine,

this party's awesome, you know?

Thanks.

And your house, it's just beautiful.

Janine! These kids need

some chocolate lubrication!

- Kirk's the luckiest man in the world.

- [ blender whirring]

- [ Power surge]

- Whoa!

GENTRY:
God damn it!

Come on, Janine,

you put the blender on the same line

as our TVs, for Christ's sake.

Nobody panic!

[ Boys screaming ]

[ Boys panting in relief]

This is the sleepover?

Really?

This is what you gave up

the camping trip for?

They got shakes, Mr. Stevens.

Randy, out.

And, Dwande,

get out of that stupid costume.

Hey, you know,

hey, these are my scouts.

And that is not your son.

All right, now. Come on, Randy,

that's enough.

Come on, Dwande.

Why don't you hang out

with Kent in the kitchen?

GENTRY:
Randy, Randy, Randy.

Why don't you and I take a little walk

outside together, huh?

Why don't we all

go outside together

on the camping trip

that we all agreed to?

These kids are not gonna

give up skybox seats

to go prancing

through the woods with you.

[whispering]

We got skyboxes?

You're treating them like

a bunch of bankers at a country club.

F***ing A right we are!

I will treat my son

how I want to treat him.

But he's not going

to go build fires

and tie knots with you

in the woods.

He's from Africa, brah!

Yeah. He's had enough

of that sh*t.

Oh, well, take a bow,

because you've set Dwande

down the path

of turn him into a douche bag

like you!

BOYS:
Oh!

[ Chanting ]

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

ALL:
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Can we please not do this

in front of the boys?

Shh! Men are talking.

I will bare-hand neuter you!

GENTRY:

Yeah! Let's neuter him, Kirk!

- [ Groaning ]

- Kirk, be careful, your angina!

- Oh. Hey...

- Kirk...

What's an angina?

- [ Boys laughing]

- Kirk! Kirk, what the hell?

- You need some help?

- BOYS:
Angina! Angina!

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