Nature Calls Page #3

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We can all take 'em

camping together.

Randy, keep your hands

where I can see 'em!

Keep your hands where

I can see 'em!

You want me to take him out

or take him down?

Talk to me, Goose.

What do you want me to do?

I don't understand.

F*** it, it's my call.

- I'm taking him out.

- F*** you!

ALL:
Take him out!

Take him out!

[telephone rings]

[rings]

[answering machine beeps]

[ On machine ]:
Randy Stevens,

Regional President Chuck Schwatzer here

from the Boy Scout

office downtown.

Hey, I'm gonna need

those camping trip permission slips

from your boys ASAP,

or you're not gonna be able to go.

I mean, what, you got three kids

and you can't get me some slips?

What happened? Did they all quit?

[ chuckles ]

I'd love to give you

the go-ahead on this weekend,

'cause I know you've been

looking forward to this one,

but you know the rules.

No slipsies, no tripsies.

Right on, brother man.

Gimme a call at the office

and let me know.

RANDY:
I'm out of ideas.

[sighs]

[TVs click on]

J' If you're sitting round

with nothing to do J'

J' Adventure is waiting for you J'

J' Like fighting dragons

with all of your might J'

J' And in the morning,

we can go for a hike J'

J' Boy Scouts! J'

It's not like that.

Randy makes us sleep in the park

next to a hobo toilet.

- This is bullshit.

- [turns off TVs]

Tibbits. Not this time, man.

No hobo toilets.

No parking lots.

I'm talking the deep woods,

the real outdoors, like scouts.

Okay? Without your moms around

treating you like little babies,

and your dads

bringing you milkshakes.

Outside?

RANDY:

Yes, Leonard, outside.

But what about our skyboxes?

Kent, who cares

about the skyboxes, okay?

Those are always gonna be there.

The stuff I'm taking you to see,

the boulders the size of houses

and the waterfalls and the wildlife,

I mean, that stuff might not

actually be here forever.

And at night there's gonna be a bonfire,

huge bonfire party.

Camping is for ugly women.

It's stupid.

Gary, take this.

- Pass it around, let everyone see it, okay?

- Holy Lord.

Wow!

Look, guys, this is

Dwande's weekend, all right?

What would you rather do? Huh?

Yeah.

EDDIE:
Hey, I'm not smokin'

in the house.

I'm talking to the neighbors...

I'm not smokin' in the house.

I need you to hear me.

[traditional Irish music

playing in background]

EDDIE:

Jesus Christ! Randy.

Guys, why aren't you

in your uniforms, man?

Randy, no, no, no,

right here, right now,

get the f*** off my property,

all right?

We are staying home.

- What?

- Let me tell you somethin', motherf***er.

We got in a fight with our wives,

all right? Period.

No, no, no, no.

Camping with you

ain't worth getting yelled at.

Randy, with all due respect, man.

I know we said we's goin' with you,

but if it's cool with you, man,

and even if it's f***in' not,

just get the f*** outta here.

We'll call this whole thing off, man.

Eddie, I want to

show you something.

I want to show you something.

[boys rapping]

- I I was walking down the street J'

- [horn beeping]

J' And I saw a bunch of girls,

I asked them for their numbers... J'

Damn! The video, it worked?

We got a troop again.

- [ Boys continue rapping]

- What's up, Pops?

- RANDY:
Oh, but wait a minute.

- [beep]

You guys want to stay here

and get yelled at by your wives, so...

F*** that. We goin'. We are in!

Welcome aboard, guys.

Good morning, Janine.

Did you get

a good night's sleep?

Hi.

Where are the other boys?

Oh. They all went camping.

Hey, Kirk!

Hey, you want to do some Pilates?

Kirk!

[all yelling]

Hey, kids...

shut the f*** up!

Everybody, dig in this box,

put yourselves together a uniform,

put it together.

We don't have much,

but make it work!

Second, anything that is electronic

goes in here,

not into the woods.

Come on, give it up,

give it up, give it up.

I know you guys got cell phones.

Let's go, let's go.

Fast, fast, move your ass.

Now, who has been

camping before?

- I have.

- Great.

Okay. Pretty good.

How many of you can peel a potato?

Nobody can peel a potato.

Okay.

Who here can start a fire?

Hey! Dwande! Nice.

All right, tell me what?

Who knows how

to kill and skin a deer?

[boys exclaiming in surprise]

Really?

Hey, Randy,

let's get to the woods.

We got Daniel Boone

up front there.

Let's go get

the camping started!

[all yelling]

Randy!

You son of a b*tch!

You son of a b*tch!

Where are you,

you son of a b*tch?

KIRK:
He's not here!

Whaa!

Look, you're not helping us

by destroying everything.

F*** you, Randy!

All right, maybe

we're overreacting.

The kid said he took them, right?

What's your name?

- BOTH:
Kent.

- Kent said that he took all of 'em!

Oh, yes, he did.

Ahhh!

I'm gonna murder him dead.

Let's murder the bastard!

What am I gonna tell their parents?

Whoa! You're not gonna

tell them dick!

Well, what about the police?

Maybe we could...

Hey, hold on! Don't say anything

to the police, all right?

Do not ruin this

like you ruined prom!

They're gonna be on us for this.

It happened in our house.

It was our fault.

I am going to find them,

but nobody else needs to be involved.

Jesus Christ,

Kirk, we lost their children.

KIRK:

Will you calm down!

Yeah, calm down, Janine!

KENT:
Calm down, Janine!

I'm gonna find him, I promise,

but just help me find some clues.

[loud crashing]

Gentry, anything?

Nothin' but a fish tank!

KIRK:
I'll be right up.

Now, clues are easy to find

if an idiot's leaving them,

so see what you can dig up.

GENTRY:

Kirk, help me out up here!

- Tear his toilet off the wall!

- GENTRY:
Aaah!

He doesn't even have cable.

Hey, Randy, I don't think they

want us to camp in there.

Oh, yeah? Well, today,

it's not up to them.

Mr. Stevens,

can we pee out here?

Yeah. Guys, guys,

nature is your house, okay?

Nature is your toilet.

Pee anywhere you want.

Everybody, pee anywhere.

EDDIE:
All right,

let me get this straight, man.

So, we're gonna trespass?

That's the plan?

Did you see his face?

Do you know how long

it's been since I've had this?

Eddie. It's the cops!

It's the nature police!

Hey, guys

I cannot get busted, okay?

What is the matter with you?

Jesus Christ, dude!

This is way beyond scout protocol.

Good morning!

Are you cleaning that up?

Clean what up?

If I came to your house

with 10 boys

and pissed on your carpet,

you'd want me to clean it up,

wouldn't you?

Well, what do you expect us to do?

Have 'em whiz in a bucket?

I mean...

There's restrooms a half mile up.

You couldn't wait though,

could you?

Well, I mean, peeing in the woods.

I mean, that's not the--

Nobody pees here!

Do you understand me?

This is state property.

If you want to be here,

you be in a public area.

We have restrooms, showers.

We have pools.

You know what?

No, thank you. We're scouts,

so we will take

our business elsewhere.

Business?

Is that what that is?

Is that a business?

Hey! This park is

not your goddamn toilet bowl!

If it don't look like a urinal,

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