Nature Calls Page #4

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don't piss on it!

Do you understand me?

Yeah.

Let's be a little bit civilized.

[imitating machine gun]

[telephone rings]

- [ Objects crashing]

- [answering machine beeps]

[on machine]:

Randy, Chuck Schwatzer again.

I pray to Christ that you are not

on an unauthorized campout.

Randy, that would be kidnapping.

That is some serious trouble

with the national org there.

Call me.

[Kirk and Gentry shouting

in background]

GENTRY:
Kirk, let's check

the kitchen, too, man.

- Let's see if there's some snacks.

- KIRK:
Janine!

What'd you get? Find anything?

What, you think I couldn't

find you cocksuckers?

Who the f*** are you?

Get the f*** outta here!

- Hey, Mikey!

- We're unarmed!

Mikey! Which one of these a**holes

is your scoutmaster?

Which one told you I was dead?

Which one is it, Mikey?

I'm sorry, man.

I hope you can forgive me,

but yesterday

I'm at the hospital

gettin' a motherfucking...

[whispers] colonoscopy.

I don't know if you ever had one,

but it ain't fun.

So I'm tryin' to come home

and forget about this assault.

You know,

relax with my kids, chill out.

So I'm expecting my kids

to meet me at the door,

we have a little dinner,

but instead of kisses and hugs,

I get shot in the face

with a f***ing BB gun!

- [ Kids screaming, gun popping]

- In my groin,

- my knee caps, by my own son!

- [ BBs thudding]

I don't know

what the f*** is goin' on.

Turns out Mikey gets a visit

from his scoutmasters at school,

they're armed with a newspaper.

And these dipshits

read my cousin's obituary

and tell Mikey I'm f***in' dead!

Mikey goes home,

tells his sisters the news,

they go nuts, boom!

They deduce that their daddy

must be a goddamn ghost.

[ Screaming ]

What are you kids doing?

Try backpedaling your way out of that

with a five- and a six-year-old.

You'd be up all night. I was.

And they still don't get it. Look.

[ Screaming ]

Sounds like we got

the same ass-kicking agenda.

You know what? They sound like

some real shitty f***ers, man.

That is our hunch,

shitty f***ers!

That's not a hunch,

that's the truth.

And we're gonna

hunt 'em down.

We just need to know

where to start.

What about this, Kirk?

[ Chuckles ]

Please. Janine...

Good eye, Janine.

This might be what we need.

I think it's exactly what you need.

Yeah, but how do you know

where they're at?

Yeah, how do you know?

Well, you see the green spot

with the big circle around it?

KIRK:
Oh, yeah.

GENTRY:
No!

Yeah. That's probably

where he took 'em.

That's out in the woods.

He said it was

a real-deal adventure.

Jesus.

Hey, you want to come with us?

You f***in' right,

I want to come with you,

but I got a problem.

I need somebody to watch my kids.

That's not a problem.

That's what Janine's for.

It takes a village, Janine.

Oh, yeah. Sure. Why not?

[ Claps 1

And you don't have to worry.

They have a black son, too.

IVAN:
Come on, come on.

Tibbits, not all of that.

IVAN:
Kids, stop fighting!

EDDIE:
Who brought

a garden hose? Randy, what...

Hey! Look what I found!

A raccoon!

Should we bless him?

- Smash its head!

- [ kids yelling]

SHANE:

Slay the demon beast!

Hey, hey, guys!

Come on! Cut it out!

RANDY:
Hey, hey, guys.

That's not a demon!

[yelling in foreign language]

- Whoa!

- Whoa!

- Whoa!

- Bring it down.

EDDIE:

Let's bury this f***er.

Poor little raccoon.

EDDIE:

Gary, don't touch it.

All right, guys,

scouting is a complex woman,

all right?

There's many a side to her,

and is it our job to control,

conquer, and slay her?

Now, sometimes,

you know, she's a...

she's a rapacious witch.

- Other times, a tireless lover.

- [ Stuart toots horn]

So, okay. Thank you, Dad.

Does anyone know where

the word "scout" comes from?

It's a French word,

and it means "to listen."

In America, that means

"shut the f*** up," okay?

Thank you, Eddie, thank you.

So, we are each

gonna take this horn,

we're each gonna give it a blast,

and we're gonna pass it around,

and we are going to apologize

to this raccoon

and to nature, and we're gonna

pledge it our respect.

Go ahead, Leachman,

give it a honk.

- Squeeze that sucker!

- [ toot]

Nice. Pass it over.

This is the sound

and the pledge of respect.

- [ Toot]

- Nice.

Responsibility.

- [ Toot]

- Nice. Readiness.

- [ Toot ]

- Wow! Nice.

Gratitude.

- [ Toot]

- Whoa!

And finally,

Dwande, compassion.

[foot]

Very good.

Now, from this point on,

all of you are dead.

You're all dead little boys.

And when you

return from this trip,

you'll return resuscitated

and resurrected as men.

And this man is gonna be the one

that breathes new life into you,

and is gonna kiss good-bye

the little corpses

that you leave behind,

and he's gonna be proud

to shake the hands

of the men who hike

in your stead.

Jump to the job.

Everyone, say it!

BOYS:
Jump to the job!

Nice. All right. Now, are we gonna

camp here tonight?

- No.

- What?

We've still got five miles

until we get to the...

- Five miles?

- Five miles?!

We're not...

We're not even in the woods yet.

- What the f*** is this?

- All rig ht? Eddie.

- Gary.

- Yes, sir?

- You want to say a few words?

- Yes.

Please bow your heads.

And hold hands.

Bless us, O Lord,

and these thy gifts...

Gary, that's a food prayer, okay?

Eddie.

Which we are about to receive

from Jesus Christ...

- [engine rumbling]

- who watches us from heaven above,

and with pure love,

from our hearts

to yours, through Christ.

Amen.

Naked lady!

[ Boys exclaiming ]

[ Horn tooting ]

Dwande, come on!

She's got titties!

- SHANE:
Did you see those?

- Did you see that?

BOY:
Guys, come on!

Hey, slow it down a little bit!

But enjoy!

[ laughing 1

Hey, Randy,

there's a naked lady, man!

[boys shouting]

Yo, Randy,

there's a naked lady over here,

and you're mourning

a f***ing raccoon, dude.

GENTRY:
You don't make

as much money as we make

and don't get to kill people.

The cold steel in my hand...

[ laughs 1

blood, uh, just pumping in my veins.

[Gentry grunts]

This is some bullshit!

I'm not gonna scare

anybody with this!

Oh, please. 99% of police work

is intimidation.

This is a starter pistol, for Christ's sake.

It shoots blanks.

It's basically just a noisemaker.

Randy's gonna sh*t yellow

when he sees you two.

I'm gonna kick

a crack in his ass

like the Liberty Bell,

ringin' for recess!

[laughs]

Ring-a-ding-ding.

My boys are gonna have

a sweet ass to kick when we get there.

- [ Horn honking]

- [all laughing ]

You know I love the ATM business,

but this is what I really live for.

Child kidnapping's no joke.

When we catch Randy,

I'm gonna tear one arm off

and shove it up his ass,

I'm gonna tear the other arm off

and shove it down his throat,

so he can shake hands

in his stomach.

You the two motherfuckers

that got the ATMs everywhere, right?

- Yeah.

- KIRK:
Yeah.

I like that.

I just got a couple at my church.

Oh. Amen.

GENTRY:

No offense. F*** church.

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