Nature Calls Page #5

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- Randy's gain' to hell.

- [ laughing]

That's some unnecessary sh*t

you just said.

BOYS:

Tits! Buns! Tits! Buns! Tits! Buns!

Tits! Buns! Tits! Buns!

Tits! Buns!

TIBBITS:

Did you think she was a virgin?

LEONARD:

Hey, guys, what's a virgin exactly?

- Gary's a virgin.

- GARY:
Bullcrap I am!

MOSES:
Would your uncle

ever leave us out here on our own?

- Shh. Shh.

- Wait, guys.

Isn't this where we started?

[twigs snapping]

LEACH MAN:

Did you hear that?

Oh, my God!

LEONARD:

Who is that?

- Who is that?

- Stuart?

TIBBITS:
Oh, my God.

I don't think he's moving.

What are you doing?

MOSES:

Dwande, what are you doing?

TIBBITS:

Where are you going?

GARY:

Leave the dead in peace.

MOSES:
Dwande,

don't be messin' with dead stuff.

GARY:

ls...Is he really dead?

TIBBITS:
Dude, come back!

Are you crazy?

- [snarling ]

. [ boys scream]

Dwande, no!

- [ Boys screaming]

- What are you doing?

Get back into formation!

Give me that. Give me that.

EDDIE:
This is an exercise.

- BOY:
What?

- Tibbits, jump to the job!

- What?

- What?

There's a guy dying in the woods.

Now what do we do?

There's a guy bleeding to death

on the forest floor.

What do you do?

Stop the blood?

Stop the bleeding.

Yes, okay.

Now, think, think. What else?

Is he in shock?

Is he breathing?

There. Yeah. Okay. Perfect.

You didn't do any of that stuff!

Why didn't you do any of that?

EDDIE:
You okay, Stuart?

- I thought he was dead.

- I thought he was dead, too.

You thought he was dead?

Well, he's gonna be dead

if you guys just sit around talking,

not doing anything.

But it's scary!

Well, what part of lifesaving

isn't scary?

I didn't think it was lifesaving.

I thought it was murder.

Murder? Eddie?

- Yeah?

- Eddie, help me out.

Yeah, but, Randy,

the kids are right, man.

I mean,

he looked like he was dead.

Like he was dead...

[sighs] Okay.

Look, all right, Tibbits,

I'm sorry, man.

It was a simulation

for your Lifesaving badge.

[Tibbiis crying]

It was supposed to be

like a hiking accident, you know?

Stuart can't hike.

Yeah, man, you know what?

Maybe we should have stuck

with the broken leg exercise.

Okay. Yes.

All right. But, hey,

the next time this happens,

what are you gonna do?

- Jump to the job.

- I'm sorry. What?

- Jump to the job

- Jump to the job.

Yes! Okay, guys, he's right!

Gonna jump to the job, everybody.

All right.

Oh, no!

[telephone rings]

JANINE:
Hello?

LINDA:
Oh. Hi, Janine.

Linda! Hi!

Everybody okay?

Yes, the boys are still here.

They're having a ball!

So we'll just swing by...

Um, Dwande would love it

if Leonard could stay for one more night,

- if that's...

- Hold on a second.

- David!

- Sure.

Uh, the mom wants to know

if Leonard could stay another...

[massager vibrating ]

- David, can you come?

- Do not touch me, Kent.

- Hi, Janine.

- Hi.

I'll be there before 9:00.

Yes. Tomorrow morning

before 9:
00 A.M. Right.

- Yeah. Before church.

- Before church. Got it.

- Okay.

- Will do

- Have fun.

- Thanks so much, Linda. Bye-bye.

All right.

We need to have a discussion

- about boundaries.

- [ kiss]

[telephone rings]

Hello?

KIRK:
The game's on

right now, honey,

and I paid to have Dwande's

name on the Jumbotron,

but nobody's gonna see

the goddamn thing.

Kirk! These women are going to be

on our doorstep tomorrow morning,

and if their kids aren't here,

the police are going

to have to be called.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No police, Janine.

Now, we can handle this ourselves

without the cops blaming us.

- Just buy me some time.

- [aerosol hissing ]

I'm trying,

but I'm running out of ideas.

I told them we're doing

a goddamn Bible study tonight.

That's perfect!

Goddamn, that's why I love you!

Look, just get Dwande

home safe, okay?

And please just go easy on Randy

until we make sure

we have all the facts.

Go easy?

- Janine, he...

-[ cork pops]

What was that?

Uh, look, just do whatever

it takes, all right?

I just wish I was at home

and you were doing that thing we saw

in that rap video where you...

- Okay, not now, Kirk.

- [ beep]

You are so f***ing weird.

[sniffing]

You smell that?

The wee-wee?

- Mm-hmm.

- Loud and clear.

Seems like the logical place

to take a pee-pee break, doesn't it?

It sure does. A lot of kids

pissed around here.

The adults peed over there.

You can smell the coffee on it.

- You want a whiff?

- I'm good.

MR. CALDWELL:

Found a little poop over there.

- Those little BMs?

- Yeah. Little kid sizes.

Uh-huh. I saw those.

The way I see it,

the van pulled up over there,

where the tire treads are,

kids bail out over here

where the little footprints are.

- Okay.

- They do their little diddies,

they do number ones,

they do some number twos,

they pile back in the van,

and they off on the road.

Mmm. The old drive in, load out,

unload, load up, drive out.

Drive out?

Or drive in?

He's in there.

MR. CALDWELL:
You think

we should save the BMs for evidence?

We don't need evidence.

We're going in there to get him.

[Ivan and Eddie grumbling]

EDDIE:
Freakin' woods.

We should be home,

making babies,

- sweet, dirty love to our wives...

- IVAN:
Yeah.

- Dirty babies.

- Damn!

Touching her, caressing her.

That soft ass.

- Fondling, kissing, caressing...

- Eddie. Eddie.

What?

I cannot hike when you talk sexy.

RANDY:

Let's not slow down, guys!

Bullshit we are.

Randy, we've been hiking all day.

Now we're supposed to climb this?

Almost there!

Randy! We need a break, okay?

- All of us!

- Oh, Jesus, my feet hurt.

Come on, guys!

It's just over these rocks.

MOSES:
F*** those rocks!

I thought you said

we'd be fighting dragons!

That was metaphorical, okay?

That was just on the DVD.

GARY:

We've been hiking for hours,

and haven't seen crap!

RANDY:
Haven't seen...

Gary! These rocks?

These are the gateway

to scouting!

Generations of scouts

have passed over these!

EDDIE:

Randy, stop the bull, please!

Guys, who wants to go home, huh?

- I do!

- Yes!

- Take me! Take me!

- You see?

All of 'em want to go home.

Well, great.

Anyone who wants to help me

get Stuart to the top of these rocks,

you follow me.

The rest of you guys,

go right on home.

Have a big boo-hoo party

with your mommies.

They can change

your wet diapers, okay?

But how do we know

how to get back home?

If you were a scout,

you'd have no problem.

Wadonday, what's up there?

- Dwandel

- Where is he going?

GARY:
Hey, Dwande!

Hey, look at that.

Dwande's gonna do this.

GARY:

I'll go if you guys go.

- Ah, what else can we do?

- Guys. Wait up.

- Wait!

- We might as well take a chance.

EDDIE:
Hey!

BOY:
I'm not sayin' that I really want to.

EDDIE:
I thought you guys

wanted to go home!

No offense, Eddie.

You probably can't find the way home.

EDDIE:

I bet you my foot'll find your ass.

GARY:
Dwande, slow down!

[cutters clipping fence]

All right. [grunts]

- Okay. Let's do this.

- Dang it, man.

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