Nature Calls Page #6

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What?

Well, these are

my new church slacks.

Yeah?

Well, you just crawled

through a pee-pee puddle there, Kirk.

CALDWELL:
Yup.

GENTRY:
I'm going back to the car

and grab my dungarees.

Just wait here, all right?

Caldwell, back me up.

Grab my iPod.

For what?

It's got a mix on there,

heavy metal.

- Oh, all right.

- Gets me all rewed up.

[ Grunts ]

You know what I mean?

I love Kirk, but he doesn't understand

how much slacks cost these days.

Hey, look around in there.

I think I got another pair

if you want some.

CALDWELL:
Where's it at?

- You see 'em?

- I don't see it.

- Well, they're right there.

- I don't see it.

Y'all looking to cam p?

GENTRY:
Um...

Yes, sir. That'd be great.

A lot of friendly people here,

gearing UP-

to have fun.

[Gentry chuckles]

GENTRY:
Well, sounds like

our kind of people.

Yeah.

Okay.

Uh...should we follow you, then?

I wish you would.

You got your pants?

Yeah, I got my pants!

KIRK:
Sh*t!

[engine starts]

[tires screech ]

[ Hawk screeches ]

[ Chatter, indistinct]

MOSES:
Look at that view!

TIBBITS:
Whoa!

LEACHMAN:
H0, ho, ho.

GARY:
Oh, my God!

[ Boys exclaiming in amazement]

- Awesome!

- This is pretty bad-ass.

All right, hey,

you called this one.

IVAN:
Damn, we made it!

MOSES:

We're camping up in this?

Oh, do we get badges

and crap now?

RANDY:

You already have your badges.

Check your arms,

check your necks.

Look at those cuts,

look at those insect bites.

You guys earned those, man.

Look at the sweat

under your armpits,

and, Leachman, that heat rash,

we'll fix that.

But, guys, you earned all of this.

You are real scouts.

So bring it all in, real scouts.

Bring it in, real scouts,

right now.

Eddie, may I?

A toast, all right?

To my dad, for being lucky enough

to be here with all of you.

And to all the dads

who couldn't be here,

Mikey Caldwell's dad,

for instance,

whose death prevented him from coming,

but you know what?

He's up camping

in the sky right now,

but he is not gonna have

as much fun

as you guys are about to have.

- Amen.

- Hey, America!

Troop 5516 is here,

and we're about to go camping in you!

- [ All cheering]

- [ horn honking]

- MAN:
It's the outdoors, nipple d*cks!

- [ party music starts]

No, no, no,

we're blending in just fine.

Yeah, yeah, as soon as these yokels

hit the hay, man,

we're gonna be

right there with you.

No one is deserting you.

I don't want you to be scared.

I'm not scared.

Just don't go anywhere.

You guys stay put

and make sure

nobody comes after me.

- [ hip-hop music playing]

- Stay put?

We can't break up the team, Kirk!

All right!

Caldwell and I want in on the action.

Come on!

KIRK:

This isn't about a team!

This is about my son!

GENTRY:
Well, okay,

Caldwell has a son, too, you know.

Caldwell's son

is at my home with my wife,

where I should be!

- Now, if I need backup, I'll call for it.

- Backup?

- Backup.

- Backup, my ass.

I didn't come out here

to be no damn decoy

- for a park ranger, motherf***er!

- Yeah, motherf***er.

KIRK:
Run distraction.

I need you guys to blend in.

It's...it's weird here, man.

lt'sjust weird, all right?

It's like some sort of redneck

swingers' party or something, man.

KIRK:

Is that park ranger still there?

GENTRY:
Uh...

Yeah, he's staring at me right now.

It's weird.

I think he wants to f*** me.

Wait for my call.

I don't need you right now, Gentry.

Don't break up this partnership, man.

We got a good thing here.

- [call breaking up]

- Kirk! Kirk!

Kirk!

What the f***

are these people doing?

Look at that a**hole,

in the yellow.

What is his problem?

[owl hooting ]

KIRK:
You peckewvood.

What the hell is that?

[boys howling]

[Eddie howls]

[bongos beating]

[ Boys cheering ]

EDDIE:
[shouting]

Let's get the party started!

[ Boys cheering and shouting ]

Gary, have a root beer.

Normally, I'd remain celibate,

but tonight I will imbibe.

Oh. Valhalla.

How you doing there, Moses?

MOSES:
Hey, what's up, man?

What's up?

[Ivan speaking foreign language]

Your troop back.

We're...

We're resuscitating it, okay?

This troop's not gonna dissolve.

It's not gonna fade away.

Randy f***ing Stevens!

[ Silence]

Jesus Christ,

you got Dad out here, too?

Oh, you really went and did it.

Seven felonies and Dad to boot.

Abducting him

and all these kids?

That's desperate, Randy.

I'm getting you guys

out of here.

And, Dad, we're gonna get you

back to your room

where you need to be, okay?

Kirk, Kirk, listen.

This is our home, okay?

Right here, with the trees

over our heads,

the soil under our feet,

- and the...

- Stop it!

No more poems.

No more speeches. You're done.

Now let's pack it up,

shut this down,

and hike everybody

out of here.

This scout troop is finished!

Dwande.

Oh, come here, buddy.

- You don't have to be scared.

- RANDY:
Scared?

Kirk, he's not scared, okay?

This is a brave little kid.

Did you know that?

He helped all these other kids

get up here.

I mean, he's a big part of this!

You calling my son a kidnapper?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Kidnapping?

I didn't do it. I'm not a kidnapper.

He's not a kidnapper.

Well, unless you want to go to jail...

EDDIE:

No, no, no. Look, look, look,

I don't want no problems here.

I can't go to f***ing prison again.

It hurts, okay? So...

Then help me out.

You want us to tie

this motherf***er up?

Randy, run, motherf***er,

'cause I'm gonna kill you!

Eddie, it's not kidnapping

if you're related!

Bull f***, Randy,

we're not brothers anymore.

EDDIE:

If the Boy Scouts knew...

What are you doing?

EDDIE:

You know what they would do?

- [zipper closing]

- They'd f***in' kill all of us!

- [ Honk]

- EDDIE:
You know that?

KIRK:

Oh, Dad. I'm saving your life.

I'm paying for you to be comfortable.

And you don't need

to be out here.

No one deserves to be out here.

We're cooperating!

What do you want us to do with this guy?

RANDY:
Ow!

Listen to me.

We are assistants.

We don't want to get involved

in none of this sh*t!

Then leave.

Okay, but we could help you

with the kids, all right?

Knock it off

and get out of here!

All right. Fine. We'll leave.

[ Randy screaming ]

Randy, it's a real shithead move,

you dick!

All right.

Let's pack up and go.

MOSES:

Why'd you kick him?

Bros, they kidnapped you!

These aren't real leaders.

Hanging out in the woods

with eight-year-olds,

cooking potato dinners,

writing poems?

That's not a man.

- That's not a leader.

- [ muffled shouts]

Look. You don't need badges

from these dorks to prove something.

Then what are

we supposed to do?

KIRK:
I don't know.

Stay in school

and stay off drugs, uh...

and play sports, join the Army.

Let's just get out of here, okay?

You know, we don't need to be out

in the woods talking about this.

We can be back home,

listening to some Hoobastank.

BOY:
Augh!

We can have Janine

cook us some taquitos...

Come on, fellas.

Bump me and we'll hit it.

Dwande, bump your daddy.

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