Nature Calls Page #7

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Dwande. What's wro ng?

B u mp m e.

RANDY:
Hah!

GARY:
[yelling] Knock it off!

TIBBITS:
Come on,

you can do this, Randy!

BOYS:

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

[boys shouting]

Come on, Randy!

Get him, Randy!

Oh! Oh!

Randy! What do we do?

[ laughing 1

Little help. Jesus!

Fellas, help!

BOYS:

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

- LEACHMAN:
Do you think that's real?

- Help!

I think it's another test.

- [ Screaming]

- SHANE:
That's gotta be fake.

This is fake!

This looks like horseshit.

GARY:

He's probably not really on fire.

[horn beeping]

Tibbits! Jump to the job!

KIRK:
[yelling]

Please help me, guys!

- TIBBITS:
Is this real?

- KIRK:
Jesus!

Quickly, Moses!

[honking]

TIBBITS:
[yelling]

Moses, grab water!

Come on! Guys! Leonard!

Hey, Randy,

you need an air hole?

[groaning]

Jesus, Gary!

MOSES:
Help me out, man!

Guys, help! I need help!

TIBBITS:

Help! Help, guys! Harder!

Come on!

No.

[fireworks whistling ]

[ Exploding ]

Get water!

[fireworks exploding ]

MOSES:
Hurry up! Help him!

[ Loud explosion ]

[whistling and explosions]

[birds singing]

[forest animal sounds]

[footsteps crunch ]

Are you alive, Mr. Stevens?

[grunting]

LEONARD:

Guys. Randy's okay.

BOYS:

He's alive! He's alive!

Mr. Stevens.

Tibbits, did you...

Did you do this?

I thought you were faking it.

Be brave, Randy.

You can cry.

KIRK:
Hey!

Bring...him...over...here.

[boys grunting]

KIRK:
Will you get him out

of the sleeping bag?

TIBBITS:
Careful, guys.

We gotta cut it.

[boys struggling]

And get rolling on

making me a stretcher, please.

GARY:

Like the one in the Bible?

Yeah, like the one in the Bible.

Guys, wait,

there was a stretcher in the Bible?

Oh, yeah! Heck yeah!

Moses, can you bring

my dad over to me?

MOSES:

Um, well, your dad is not...

- KIRK:
Just bring him here.

- He's, uh...

KIRK:

You guys go pack up or help Gary.

Just give us a minute.

This is really f***ed up, Randy.

You know, the boys

collected his ashes this morning

and put him in there.

Congratulations, Randy.

Dad's dead.

Now he's in a f***ing cooking pot.

Huh!

I was burned buck naked.

My arms are scorched.

I can't put them down.

I was burned in places

the sun doesn't even know about.

I have a $350 Bluetooth

melted into the insides of my ear.

Dad should be in the hospital

right now, enjoying himself!

That's what I paid for!

What do you want me to say?

Say that this was

a stupid f***ing idea

and that you're a total failure.

L...l failed.

I made a mistake.

Say you failed Dad.

Say it.

If ailed Dad.

Did you know I got Dad a crypt?

Got him a primo location

in the downtown cemetery.

They disinterred

a Confederate soldier

to make sure he got

a good location.

That ain't cheap.

RANDY:
Jesus, Kirk!

I loved him, Randy.

You know, I've been working

with two architects and a stone mason

to ensure that he got a good burial,

so his body could be treated

with some respect.

Is there an ATM machine

in the crypt?

KIRK:
F*** you, Randy.

It's more respect

than you can afford.

He loved it out here!

TIBBITS:
Randy,

we have to tell you something.

Um, Mr. Stevenses,

your dad is not

in that cooking pot.

This is my old dirty underwear.

Okay! Stretcher's ready!

Where is he?

TIBBITS:

Well, Dwande took him.

What are you talking about?

TIBBITS:
He left this morning

with your dad in a backpack.

KIRK:
Why wouldn't

anybody tell me?

- Where'd he go?

- GARY:
It's a real doozy!

The Father, Son, Holy Spirit

will be with you.

Oh, Jesus, Gary!

You and Jesus

could be like bros!

[doorbell rings]

Daddy?

No. I'm a lady.

[laughing] Hi,

Hey! ls Leonard all set to go?

Uh...No. He's...

They went on a little...

Who are all these kids?

They're friends of...

They're kids...Friends of friends.

Kids of friends of ours.

LINDA:

Where is my son, Janine?

- Is there a problem here, ladies?

- Oh, God, help me.

Yeah. Where's Leonard?

KENT:

Leonard went camping.

No. Leonard did not

go camping.

What is he talking

about, Janine?

Read my lips, lady.

Ca-mmm-ping.

LINDA:

Well, isn't he snippy.

Janine.

Where is Leonard?

KIRK:
Dwande! It's okay!

GARY:
Now you can be

as cool a dude as Jesus Christ.

RANDY:
Let's not bring

God or Jesus into this, guys. Come on!

[ Boys straining ]

KIRK:
Dwandel

We're coming for you!

Guys, could we please

be a little more careful?

BOYS:
Shut up, Kirk!

MOTHER:
What kind

of monkey operation is this?

JANINE:
I'm sure they'll be home soon

because Kirk promised me...

SHANE'S MOTHER:

I was under the impression

they'd be

within this immediate vicinity.

- What if there was an emergency?

- There won't be an emergency.

None of us was told

about a camping trip.

Why didn't you mention this?

We didn't mention it because

we didn't think it was a problem.

You didn't think

it was a problem?

Where exactly are our boys?

Ladies! Ladies!

You're barking up the wrong tree!

If you have beef,

you have beef with

the scoutmasters and her husband.

She's innocent!

- Thanks, Kent.

- You're welcome, Janine.

Look, we just have to have

a little patience, okay?

Kirk is out there,

he'll bring them all back.

- We just have to wait for...

- Janine!

You need to take us there right now.

[dramatic music]

[boys groaning and chattering]

Dwande! We're over here!

Let's go! Move!

GARY:
We are moving!

Well, move faster, damn it!

My son's lost out there!

Kirk, he's not lost.

We're gonna find him.

Randy, shut your damn...

[ Bluetooth vibrating ]

MOSES:
What is that?

[pained]

Someone's calling my Bluetooth.

GENTRY:
Kirk!

Hey, I got him!

Hey, Caldwell, I got him!

- KIRK:
I just wan! my son! Aah!

- Kirk, can you hear me?

- Where are you? Listen, listen.

- What?

- Ah!

' oh' ml! God!

Holy sh*t!

It sounds like they're f***in'

torturing him.

- This is bad news, dude.

- Dwande!

All right, listen, hey,

we are dropping cover, man.

We're dropping cover

and comin' to get ya!

Let's go. Let's go!

Hey, folks, sorry...No!

Listen, the ATM is closed.

I need everybody to back away.

Hey! Y'all owe camping fees!

Hey, take a hike, b*tch.

And f*** your campsite.

We're on a mission to blow butts,

motherf***er.

Blow butts.

GENTRY:

Let's get those sons of b*tches!

Kick some ass! Let's roll!

Wha-ha!

These women are gonna rip me apart.

They are going to kill me.

And Kirk's gonna go to jail.

I'm gonna go to jail.

Whoa! I think you're letting it

get a little tense right now.

What am I gonna do?

Maybe we should take it easy.

Enjoy the moment

that we have together.

Hah!

[tires screeching]

KIRK:

Let's give it power!

[horn honks, siren wailing]

RANGER DEAKINS:

Hey, snitches, this is private property!

[boys groaning]

RANDY:

Hey, hey, stop. Guys, stop.

Stop. Set it down.

KIRK:

We don't have time for breaks.

Let's keep moving.

We gotta find Dwande.

Kirk. I think we found him.

Dwande! It's me, Daddy!

I'm down here on the stretcher!

LEACHMAN:

He got crucifixed!

What's he got?

TIBBITS:

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