Neighbors

1

(MAC AND KELLY MOANING)

MAC:
Okay, it's happening.

It's spontaneous.

This... Who saw this coming?

I did not see this coming.

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, let's do it.

Okay. It's happening.

It's totally happening.

BOTH:
Whoo!

What a twist.

Oh, yeah. Okay.

This is so spontaneous.

We're having sex one minute...

Who knows what's

gonna happen next?

Who knows what we'll be

doing in 10 minutes?

- Okay.

- This is crazy!

We're doing this on

the dining room...

I've never had sex on a dining

room chair in my whole life.

- (MOANING)

- This is amazing.

I'm taking you to

Boner Town, b*tch.

- Don't call me "b*tch!"

- Okay. I'm sorry.

I'm taking you to

Boner Town, love. Okay.

(CONTINUES MOANING)

Baby? Baby?

She's totally

f***ing looking at us.

Hey, baby.

She knows what's happening.

She totally knows

what's happening.

(LAUGHS) She can't see anything.

She just sees shapes.

She sees shapes f***ing each other,

is what she sees. She can...

She's fine.

She just sees shapes.

It's like bouncing balls.

My bouncing balls.

- She's fine. She's fine.

- You know what?

Let me turn her around.

Let me turn her around.

Okay. Okay.

Hey, sweetie.

Hey, little girl.

Gonna turn around now.

Gonna look at the wall now.

Let's go.

Okay. There you go.

Love you, sweetie. Okay.

Okay! Let's do it.

We're back.

We're back in business.

Okay. Okay.

We are back.

It's happening. Okay.

(BOTH MOANING)

MAC:
Oh, God. She keeps

turning... Turn around.

Just look that way.

Just turn around.

Why is she... Okay.

I think it's over.

We still did that.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Okay. We still did that.

Hello.

What are you doing

in your Jumperoo?

This never happened.

- We're gonna finish that.

- We will finish that.

FYI, we're gonna

do it in every room.

And this time,

I'm going to ejaculate.

Just because we have

a house and a baby

doesn't mean that

we're old people.

No. F*** old people.

Old people don't

f*** like we just did.

Baby, I nearly came.

This is like The Brady Bunch.

I know! What's

nice about the house

is that it looks like every

penny we have is inside of it.

So, at least it looks like it.

It's legitimate, right?

- Neighbors. Hey.

- Hi.

- Hey.

- Oh. Gay couple.

- There's a gay couple.

- Gay couple.

- They seem like a nice couple.

- They're so happy.

- That's awesome!

- Dream!

It is. Well,

it's the second dream.

First dream, Taco Bell opens next door.

That would be f***ing dope.

- Hi!

- Hi!

Hey. It's a fabulous

neighborhood.

(STELLA CRYING ON BABY MONITOR)

- Oh, she's awake.

- Really?

- She's awake.

- Okay.

- Okay.

- Uh... Well, bye.

Okay. Bye. Love you.

Love you. Bye.

Have a good day.

Can I come?

(LAUGHS) Kidding.

No, we'll have a great day! We'll

have a great day. Okay. Bye!

I love you!

BILL:
Uh-oh. Mac attack.

MAC:
Hey!

Hey, there he is.

Hey.

I need that

Mendelson file by 4:00.

Okay, yeah.

And this is not your bro, this

is your boss talking. (CHUCKLES)

I'll have it to you

by 3:
30. How's that?

- Mac!

- Okay.

Mac!

What?

Wait. Hold on.

Whoo!

Okay!

(PANTING) Oh, jeez, it's so far.

Hey, we gotta go work on that

thing we were discussing.

- What thing?

- What's going on?

We have to go work

on that joint file.

Of course. The joint file.

You guys are doing a joint file?

We have a joint file together.

JIMMY:
Yeah. We're pretty

deep into it. It's tight.

- It's pretty thick.

- It's a big file.

- Pretty fat file.

- It's dank.

- We should blaze through it, probably.

- Yeah.

Yeah, we gotta file that

for the THC Corporation.

Okay.

Because we are in the weeds.

- How's Stella?

- She's a cute baby.

It's nice.

I think I realized for the first

six months, everything is f***ed.

- Everything changes completely.

- Yeah.

You're like, "My life is over!

Everything's different!

"Everything I could do,

I can't do anymore."

But now, I realize that that's

all gonna go back to normal.

- You sure about that?

- She can start drinking soon.

They make these little strips that

test your tit milk for alcohol.

She puts them on her tits?

Yeah, she puts them on her tits.

Her tits are huge right now.

- Are they really?

- But I can't touch them.

She won't even let me see

them, is what's f***ed up.

- What?

- When we have sex,

she leaves a wife-beater on.

It's like having sex

with Tony Soprano.

You're the goomah

in this situation.

Yeah, it's f***ed up.

You are the only one of our friends

that has a house and a kid.

Yeah.

It's like you're, like, 10 years

older than everyone, you know?

You're divorced.

The point is...

It's Jimmy time.

You know what I mean?

And the girls,

when you're dating...

- Yeah?

- Holy sh*t!

See, we missed out

on the whole, kind of,

sex-tech bubble,

you know what I mean?

Now they got Sex Book

and F*** Friends and...

There's this thing called

Grindr, which is just...

Your phone beeps when there's

someone horny near you.

It's kind of amazing.

It's mostly guys, but I'm gonna

find a girl pretty soon.

JIMMY:
You're up.

Oh, oh! Oh!

Hey.

What are you guys doing out here?

- There are the girls.

- KELLY:
Hi.

- How's it going, sweetie?

- Good.

What's happening?

There you go.

She's excited to see you.

Wait, wait. Hey.

(BABBLES)

Man, parenting is easy.

Look at that!

Yeah, two hours a day.

Yeah.

This is delightful. This

is awesome, this thing.

We should get one of

these above our bed.

- (CELL PHONE RINGING)

- BOTH:
Oh!

- Hello?

- Hey!

Oh, my God. You guys have

to come out with me.

I haven't seen you in forever.

Yeah. What's going on?

Okay. My friend is spinning

at the Royalton tonight.

There's a rumor that

Prince might perform.

I really need to

get out of the house.

I have not been out since

Jimmy and I got divorced

and I really need you

there. Please?

How do we do this? Do I

call the babysitter bunch?

I don't know about that.

Let's just...

- It's too late. We'll...

- Okay.

Why don't you drop it

at the fire station?

We can't leave her at the...

What are you talking about?

That's not how it works.

The baby drop.

Okay. No.

I'm kidding.

What are you, like, having a baby,

you, like, lost

your sense of humor?

What are you doing?

I am using the little box in

the Face Time to put makeup on.

You're not even

looking at us, are you?

No. Who looks at the other

people when they Face Time?

Why are you guys not coming out?

Is f***ing Jimmy there? Jimmy?

No, Jimmy's not here.

- We don't have a babysitter, so...

- Yeah.

Hello. F***ing

bring her.

(SCOFFS)

No...

Yes?

No. Yes?

What are you doing?

What are you thinking?

Let's just do it!

This could be, like, a doorway to

a whole new life,

where we have it all.

- We have fun and a baby.

- That's fantastic!

- This is the moment!

- I need this!

- This is the moment. Let's do it. Okay.

- I need to go out!

- Let's go!

- Let's go!

All right. I'm down.

Little chicken. Come on!

- Baby's first rave.

- Baby's first rave.

- Baby's first rave.

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