Neighbors Page #2

I mean, you could go

in the kitchen and set the table.

And turn the waffles off.

I'll be there in a minute to help you.

You got lots to do down here.

Yeah, there is something I forgot to do.

That's a boy.

You want some steak?

Don't tell me, you must be

our new neighbour. Come on in.

Thanks a lot.

Someone's stolen our truck...

...and I need to use the phone

to call the police.

Use the phone in the kitchen.

What a terrible thing, your first day.

It's even worse than just that.

Baby was in the back.

- Oh, my.

- Oh! Oh! Oh!

Vic. Your baby's drowning!

No chance.

Why should my dog be drowning?

Dog?

I thought "child."

We haven't any children.

Unless Ramona just pumped one out...

...and didn't tell me.

She calls the dog "Baby."

- She calls the dog "Baby"?

- Yeah. He's fine.

I just saw him around the back there.

When I drove up.

He's digging up something

in your flowerbed.

My flowerbed?

Hi, Enid.

Hi, Vic.

Oh, we met hours ago.

Earl here was worried about Baby.

Oh, he's no trouble at all.

He's a perfect gentleman.

- Leave him with me any time you want.

- Don't worry, I will.

They spoil him awfully.

I want him to have every advantage

I was denied as a young dog.

Well, here are your keys, Mr. Keese.

Let's dig into this stuff

before the sauce turns into penicillin.

Why don't you look for Ramona.

- Me?

- Finders keepers, Earl. After all...

...I know what goes on out here

in the suburbs.

That's why we moved here.

Oh, Vic.

- What do you think, Earl?

- Don't do that. You are outrageous.

Too bad about Vic's truck, Earl.

Well, I was just pushing it

into my garage...

...to hide it from him, you know,

kind of a joke.

- It was an accident.

- It could happen to anybody.

I think 1500 should take care of it.

Fifteen hundred? Dollars?

It was just a joke. I mean, I'm sure

your insurance will cover most of it...

...and I'll pay the deductible.

What is it, 100 or so?

For the truck.

Keeping me quiet is a little extra.

I don't believe it.

You're blackmailing me.

Hey, what are neighbours for?

Oh, make it cash.

Hey, come on in, buddy.

Help yourself.

Well, here we all are.

To Vic and Ramona.

For bringing a breath of fresh air

to our neighbourhood.

May we have many, many years

of your lovely company.

Do they have any country fairs here?

Where they do things like see

which bull has the biggest balls?

This isn't really country. It's more

a suburban bedroom community.

The locals are in service trades.

They're not farmers.

Maybe we can measure their balls.

Or we could start with yours,

if you like.

Good, is it?

- Delicious.

- I must call Caesar's...

...and compliment the chef.

Tell me, were they crowded

this evening?

- What?

- Caesar's.

Friday night, the only place in town.

Bet they were turning them away

in droves.

Okay, you probably

called the place...

...and found out they're not open

for business yet, right?

Right.

So does that make me a liar?

Maybe I got there,

saw the place was closed...

...and went somewhere else

to pick up the food.

Where? Everything's shut at this hour.

Everything.

- And the wine?

- What's the matter?

Vic brings a wonderful dinner

and you give him the third degree.

I don't mind.

There's no mystery about it.

You know Valley Field Mall on Route 3?

Across from the Cinema Cineplex?

There's a small spaghetti and wine

dealership there.

Next to the Singer Sewing Centre.

That's where you got it?

That's right.

Well, to begin with,

Valley Field Mall is closed.

When it was open, it was

on Route 15, not Route 3.

And there can't be

a small spaghetti dealership...

...next to the Singer Centre

across from the cineplex...

...because there is no cineplex

and there is no Singer Sewing Centre.

All right, I can deceive you no longer.

Yes, yes, yes, I admit it.

It was me who prepared this meal...

...to share on our

first night together as neighbours.

This was my crime. Mixing up

a special batch of my Aunt Minota's...

...secret, sacred spaghetti sauce.

Sorry I messed up your evening. Right?

Right.

In light of Earl's feelings,

I think it would be best if we left.

Oh, no, no. Sit down, sit down.

Let's finish this magnificent meal.

Don't worry about Earl.

He'll get over his feelings.

- He spurned my sauce.

- No, he loves your sauce.

He's just jealous, he can't cook.

Earl, isn't it your turn

to do a little confessing?

- What?

- Vic's been man enough to admit...

...he was the one who cooked supper.

You've got nothing to say?

I don't think that'll be necessary.

We do have an agreement, don't we?

I'm talking about what you did outside.

Yes, Ramona. I know and I accept

the figures you mentioned.

"Figures," Earl? What "figures"?

Just a little arrangement

I have with Ramona.

What sort of arrangement?

Oh, boy.

We're waiting.

Or do I have to pound it out of you?

Don't speak to me like that

in my own house.

- Why would I?

- You just did.

- It's just a something a guy says.

- I never say it.

- I don't blame you.

- Ramona...

...why don't you be man enough

to tell us since Earl isn't.

He tried to pork me.

Pork you? What?!

You know you did.

I swear, I never touched her.

Well, I wasn't born

with your hand in my bush.

Enid, help me.

Tell them I couldn't

do something like that.

- Let's leave that to the police.

- Vic, she's not my type.

Enid, you tell Earl he'll have

a chance to defend himself.

I think you can see

why we have to leave.

I know you meant well.

Didn't you?

We might have had

a wonderful relationship.

But then, as Arthur Bremer once said:

"How many things go right

in this crazy world?"

Ramona, let's go.

Come on, before he gets dangerous.

- I thought I'd be able to defend myself!

- Not so loud, Earl.

Afraid we'll disturb the neighbours?

These are the goddamn neighbours!

Calm yourself, Earl.

I'm not gonna take you to court.

That would make for bad blood.

We don't want any bad blood...

...especially since we'll be living

next door to you for a long, long time.

I swear to God, Enid,

we may have to move.

They're very strange people.

You know how after five minutes

when you meet someone...

...you know everything about them?

What they do, their last name.

We know nothing about them.

- So what?

- So why didn't you say something?

You were in the house the whole time

she was here.

Besides, you know how long it takes

to pork someone?

No, how long does it take, Earl?

Are you saying you believe her?

Enid, I'm the same man

you've known for 16 years.

I know.

What the hell's going on around here?

He comes waltzing in

and you say, "Hi, Vic."

- How did you know his name?

- He came over this afternoon.

I didn't have a chance to tell you.

- You could've told me in the car.

- You know we never talk in the car.

Today you could've made an exception.

That house next door is empty

for six months and you meet...

...the new occupants before I do,

and you don't say anything?

- Enid, am I being unreasonable?

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