Neighbors Page #3

- Pass the wine.

Did you tell me everybody

you met today?

I didn't meet anyone today.

I never meet anyone.

A new neighbour's

a bit different, isn't it?

A new neighbour whose unit

we can stare at.

- I wasn't staring at his unit.

- I saw you, Enid.

I don't care what other wives do,

only the one I'm married to.

I know when a woman's

checking out a man's unit.

- Oh, really?

- Yeah, Vic's wife, that Ramona.

She did it to me, practically

unzipped my fly with her eyes.

And you hated it, right?

How many stiff nips

did you check out at the office today?

I know you, Earl, your eyes

never sit still for a minute.

Why'd you give their dog our steak?

I saw you, behind my back.

I was afraid you wouldn't approve.

You were afraid right,

I can tell you that.

What could I do?

Vic asked me

to look after Baby for a while.

But steak? Jesus, why didn't you

stuff money into his mouth?

And 32 bucks for this load of crap?

It's his money.

Baby! Oh, my God! Baby!

Get that thing away from that thing!

What happened?

Baby was over by that thing

taking a leak.

Jesus Christ.

Come, Baby. Come.

Come here. Come here.

He's all right.

Sweetie, where's the truck?

Maybe that thing got our truck

like Earl got me.

Relax with that stuff. Our boy here

has been through enough.

We really had you going there.

Ramona's such an imp.

We were just kind of putting you on

at supper. Like a little joke.

A joke? You call accusing me

of porking Ramona a joke?

Oh, what's the matter with you, Earl?

Can't you take a joke?

Let's go, Ramona, come in the house.

It's Friday night. I'll buy you a drink.

Yeah, I can take a joke, Enid!

- Can you take a joke, Vic?

- Any joke you dish up.

- Oh, yeah?

- Well, try me.

- I sank your truck.

- What?

I didn't mean to. I lost control after

I moved the brick from under your tire.

You touched my brick?

I told you I had no brakes.

I borrowed your car for the takeout.

- But you didn't go for takeout.

- Where's my truck and my airplane?

It's down in the swamp.

I'll go get my jacket.

We'll get your jacket later.

You just take me to...

...the swamp.

Give me the light, I'll lead the way.

You're pretty lucky,

having a swamp next to your house.

It didn't always smell this way.

When we moved in, it was a freshwater

lake with fish and everything.

Then the Interstate Chemical

began dumping upstream...

...and weird things started to grow.

I haven't been here since the search

party a couple years ago.

Search party?

Yeah.

Some guy disappeared down here.

A lineman from the power company.

Said it was quicksand.

Quicksand, this part of the country?

No way.

That's what I said.

Vic!

Vic!

Vic, help me. Please help me!

Do you feel my truck in there?

Vic, come on, help me.

I'll buy you a new truck.

Not like that one. How about my

triplane? How you gonna replace that?

Help, please.

I'm being sucked down.

- Maybe it's best that way.

- What are you talking about?

You're not the ideal neighbour.

You sank my truck...

...you insulted my sauce

and you violated Ramona.

- You said it was just a joke.

- But she was in your bathtub.

No, she wasn't.

She was in the bed.

And that is where

you saw her mammae.

- Her mammal?

- Her honkers, Earl.

She dropped the towel.

Did she drop it,

or did you psychically will it to fall?

- "Will it to fall"?

- Did you will her towel to fall?

No.

Never. No.

Admit it, Earl.

They'll go easier on you if you do.

Will it to fall?

Well... No, I don't think so.

Come on, Earl.

- Well, maybe a little.

- Come on.

Yes! Yes!

- Okay, I admit it.

- Admit what?

Yes. I willed the towel to fall!

Grab on. Earl Keese, come on up.

See, all I wanted was a little honesty

in our relationship, buddy.

You'd want the

same thing, right, pal?

Vic.

Vic.

Don't kid around.

Come on up. Vic!

Vic, I'm sorry.

Vic, come back, Vic!

Vic, come back.

Forgive me, Vic.

Forgive me.

Oh, my God.

I must be seeing things.

So there was this Indian and...

Oh, God!

Jesus! Get out of here!

Get out!

Get out of my house!

You're certifiable!

You and that woman!

You're nuts!

You're a maniac! Get out!

God, does it always

shrivel up when you shower?

Great.

Now it's your turn

to annoy me, right?

I was looking for Baby. You haven't

seen him, have you? He kills chickens.

Well, I don't keep

chickens in the shower.

- This is pretty.

- Please don't touch them.

Put them back on the shelf.

Snippy.

Your left ball

in the corner pocket.

Sorry, Earl.

I started collecting them

when I was 9 years old.

Hey, you kids,

keep it down to a dull roar.

I'm not cleaning up

down there again, Earl.

What's happening, gang?

Hi, Vic.

Come on in and join the party.

I gotta go upstairs, be right back.

I gotta get a broom

to sweep up all this junk.

Get a little rough with you, did he?

Hey!

Earl. Hey, Earl.

- Go to hell. You're not getting back in.

- You locked them in?

They're a couple of cases.

They're fruitcakes, lunatics.

- Both of them. They're hazardous, Enid.

- Enid. You in there, honey?

Right here, Captain Vic.

You can't keep them prisoners, Earl.

I'm gonna call the locksmith.

They can let them out the side door.

Hello, Chic. It's Earl.

- Earl. Earl who?

- No jok es, will you?

I need the name of that locksmith.

I broke a key and I got

two lunatics locked in my basement.

What? What did you say?

- Blow it out your ass.

- Is somebody on this line?

- Just you and me, a**hole.

- The bastard's on the phone.

- You called me, didn't you?

- Not you.

- Me.

- Get off the line, Vic.

- Who's Vic?

- He lives next door.

- Nobody lives next door.

- That's right.

- Christ.

- Earl, you been drinking?

- What the hell is going on?

- Never mind, forget it.

And don't ever call here again.

Oh, really, Earl. Grow up.

- Vic, stop!

- Please, you promised me. Please.

- Your leg. Just one leg.

- It's a trick.

You are pitiful, Earl.

How do you know it's a trick?

- You always go limp in a crisis.

- It's not a crisis, it's a trick.

How do you know Vic

isn't an escaped vivisectionist?

A vivisectionist!

Ramona!

Are you still in one piece?

Come on, kids.

Fun's fun.

All right. Game's over.

Enid!

Enid!

Greavy's Garage.

I'm sorry to be calling you

at this hour.

It don't matter. We're open 24 hours.

All day, all damn night. What you need?

I'm at number 2 Burt Street.

I need somebody to let me out of my

basement, and a tow truck immediately.

Ain't that damn truck there yet?

I sent my boy Perry out there

five minutes ago.

Some fella named Vic called up.

You're kidding.

Yeah, I'm kidding. I stay up all night

so I can wank my crank on the phone.

Wait a minute.

- He just got here.

- That fella Vic...

...says you run his truck

down the swamp.

Locked him and

his missus in a root cellar.

- It was kind of a joke.

- A joke?

What the hell kind of joke is that?

It's as funny as a gutful of pinworms.

- Who ask ed your opinion?

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