Neighbors Page #4

- Who the hell has to, jack-off?

Just because I lay under

your carpet that's insides...

...and because I snake your pipes

and drain your cesspool...

...don't make me dirt under your feet.

I'm as good as you any day, a**hole.

If I didn't have to do this crap for a

living, I wouldn't sell you my snot.

Enid.

It's like a peashooter. I saw a guy

take three slugs from one of these.

- He just kept coming.

- I remember that.

- Be cool, brothers.

- Take it easy, guys.

- You too. Good night.

- Look who's home.

- Our daughter, the outlaw hitchhiker.

- Hi, Daddy.

- Elaine, what are you doing home?

- Got kicked out of school. I'm hungry.

We're gonna party with the neighbours.

Aren't they neat? I got some vodka.

- She got kicked out.

- Leave her alone.

Vic, what did you say

is in a pile driver?

Italian Galliano for passion,

Irish Mist for love and...

...Russian vodka for endurance.

- Poor baby. Learn to relax.

Too much excitement's

no good for you.

Why don't you go upstairs,

take a hot bath, get into bed...

...and I'll come up to tuck

you in and help you go to sleep.

That's a good idea.

- I'll go in and say good night.

- That's a good boy.

We used to put

20 of them in there.

Activate the speed rollers, turn on

the hose circuits and that's it.

Vic Zeck's liquid lunch!

Good night, everybody.

I'm going to bed.

I bet you never seen

a pair of these before.

Take a sniff.

- It smells like a peach.

- What are those?

They're my panties. They're edible.

Edible. Hey, wow. The wonders of

modern petro technology.

- Where'd you get them?

- At school. All the kids have them.

- They're tasty.

- They come in four flavours.

- What a great idea.

- Yeah. Four flavours.

Earl, want some of your daughter's

panties? They come in four flavours.

Banana, peach, mint,

and, of course, cherry.

Good night, ladies.

You should have gone

up to bed like I said.

Nice meeting you.

Good night, Enid.

- Nice, Earl. Good move.

- Guys, it's 2 in the morning.

Come on, you need some sleep.

Turn off the lights, Earl.

Two? 2:
00?

Is that right? Can that be right?

What do you want?

Please let me in, Earl.

I'll give you a kiss. Anyplace you like.

Oh, Christ.

You've got no interest in me.

Why are you coming on to me?

We could have a real good time, Earl.

I don't care about your false teeth.

- I haven't got false teeth.

- I'm sorry. I guess they just look false.

Look, what do you want from me?

Not just now, the whole thing.

You and Vic. Why?

Poor baby. I guess no one ever

tried to make friends with you before.

Here.

Earl, if you won't

let me come in and play...

...you come out and play with me.

- Earl.

- Just for a little while.

- Earl.

- We can talk.

- Earl, are you down there?

Coming.

Wait. Stay here. I'll be right back.

Who were you

talking to down there?

Talking to? Nobody.

Well.

I'm gonna take a shower.

Whatever you say, Earl.

Ramona.

Ramona.

- Well, that was a huge waste of time.

- What do you want?

I give your car a good going-over,

a real good going-over.

And there's nothing wrong with it.

Not a damn thing. So I brung it back.

I guess you had a

good laugh on me, huh?

- Pardon?

- Making a horse's patoot out of me.

- Yeah, huh?

- Wait. I didn't ask to have my...

...car hauled away. Someone

played a joke on both of us.

You're just full of jokes, aren't you?

Well, I think you're a dirty

sh*t sack, how about that?

Ramona.

Who goes there?

Hi. It's Earl Keese.

Oh, God!

Oh, God.

My God, I thought you were a prowler.

You all right?

- I guess so.

- You look bad, Earl.

You sure you didn't get hit?

I don't know.

I've never been shot at before.

What were you doing out here?

What was that noise?

- What are you up to now?

- Nothing.

Bet you're looking

for Ramona, aren't you?

- No.

- You're rooting around for Ramona.

I'm not rooting around.

She wanted to talk.

She wanted to talk?

Well, actually,

I wanted to talk to someone.

You wanna talk to me?

Sure.

Come on. Inside.

Grab a seat,

I'll fix us some coffee.

I feel terrible about your eye.

Couldn't be helped.

What are you doing

with all that stuff on?

I was gonna take a dive in the swamp,

try to locate my truck and airplane.

I remember Mrs. Warren used

to bake bread in this kitchen.

I could smell the bread

all the way over at my house.

- Instant okay?

- Yeah.

Better get that fixed.

- Strong?

- Well, not too.

- I gotta rinse this out.

- And waste that coffee?

I'll just put it someplace

until I wash out the cup.

Sit down, Earl.

- I just want to...

- Sit down.

Now, just put the coffee powder

back in the cup.

- Can I wash my hand?

- No.

I thought you came over here to talk.

I like mine tepid and black.

How about you?

Same.

Now you take back that cup you keep

switching, Earl. Or it'll be pump city.

Well, it makes no difference to me.

So.

Here we are.

It's about your daughter,

Elaine, isn't it?

I thought so.

I'd say you got a

real problem there, Earl.

What are you talking about?

What do you mean?

Drugs. I can tell.

That spaced-out look.

Used to see it in dust cases

the state police brought in...

...when I was night custody chief

at Oakville Mental.

Yeah, she's got the dries. She

always keeps licking her lips.

- She was dying for a fix.

- She has never taken drugs in her life.

- Never!

- Well, it was just a wild guess.

They think she stole a ring at school.

I just can't believe it.

Is that all? I thought there was

some kind of major catastrophe.

She's been expelled, for God's sake.

I can think of a problem

that's more important...

...and you, as a parent,

are ignoring it.

What?

What is Elaine doing about sex?

Is she getting probed?

That was very foolish, Earl.

And it could get you snuffed!

Why do I keep getting sucked

into these degrading conversations?

Why should I assume that suddenly

you'll turn into a human being?

Both you or Ramona.

Enid?

- Yes, Earl?

- Why is this door locked?

Is that the dog?

Enid, is that goddamn dog in there?

It's all right.

He's housebroken. Almost.

What the hell is going on in there?

Enid?

Do you realise how this looks?

Should have slipped it through the mail

slot while you had the chance, Earl.

This is going to take explaining, Enid.

A helluva lot of explaining.

- Daddy, what's the matter?

- Nothing.

- I was talking to your mother.

- Through the door?

- It wasn't very important. Go to sleep.

- I just got up.

Okay, then do that, then.

How about this?

Beautiful morning, huh?

Somebody really did

a number on your front end here.

Not to worry. I know a gypsy

in the city does cheap bodywork.

Somebody wrote something here too.

Said "pimp wagon."

You know who wrote that.

Why would I let

anybody write on your car?

I gotta use this buggy today,

to get us breakfast.

- Breakfast?

- Yeah.

- Just you and me?

- Yeah. Right. Who needs the women?

You know, personally, I think if it'd

just been us guys last night...

...we wouldn't have had any trouble.

Rate this script:4.0 / 3 votes