Nerdland

1

[MUSIC PLAYING]

# Get your hopes up

Get your hopes up #

# It's gonna be great

It's gonna be awesome #

# Get your hopes up

Get your hopes up #

# It's gonna be great

It's gonna be awesome #

# Better than a diamond ring #

# Get your hopes up

Get your hopes up #

# It's gonna be great

It's gonna be awesome #

# Get your hopes up

Get your hopes up #

# It's gonna be great

It's gonna be awesome #

# Get your hopes up

Keep your mouth shut #

# It'd be so good if you

Just kept your mouth shut #

# Get your hopes up

Keep your mouth shut #

# It'd be so good if you

Just kept your mouth shut #

# Get your hopes up

Keep your mouth shut #

# It'd be so good if you

Just kept your mouth shut #

# Get your hopes up

Keep your mouth shut #

# It'd be so good if you

Just kept your mouth shut #

# Get your hopes up

Keep your mouth shut #

# It'd be so good if you

Just kept your mouth shut #

# Get your hopes up

Keep your mouth shut #

# It'd be so good if you

Just kept your mouth shut #

# Kept your mouth shut ##

MAN [ON TV]:
Tonight, at long last,

the city of Los Angeles...

...and corporate sponsor

the Fluffy Time Biscuit Company...

...will finally unveil the new,

improved Hollywood sign.

[MAN GRUNTING THEN SCREAMING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[GRUNTS]

[BOTH GASP]

[SCREAMING]

MAN:
Hey.

Wake up.

[SNORING]

- Elliot, wake up.

- Aah! Oh, it's dick titty.

Oh, blargh, sorry. Morning, John.

Morning, Elliot.

You might want to wish me luck today.

Okay. Well, here it comes. Good luck, John.

Ugh. Don't you wanna know why

you're wishing me luck today?

Did you ask me to wish you luck?

I happen to have a very important

meeting this afternoon...

...with Brett Anderson.

[LAUGHING]

- Bullshit.

- I do.

- Really?

- I'm meeting Brett Anderson.

You're gonna meet Brett Anderson?

You're meeting the actor

Brett f***ing Anderson?

The star of Murder Games,

Middle Name:
Danger...

...and Rock Paper Scissors Murder. Seriously?

[CHUCKLING]

Could be our ticket to the big time.

[WATCH BEEPS]

- Oh, better not keep him waiting.

- All right. All right. Hey, you...

You go knock him dead, Mr. Fancy Pants.

I'm gonna get some writing done

before my shift.

Ah. Slave to a fickle muse, eh?

I leave you to it, my friend.

[SIGHS]

[SNIFFS]

Okay.

[SIGHS]

Mocking white rectangle.

Agony of spinning yarns from nothing...

...but sheer imagination.

And for what?

For what?

Will anyone ever begin...

...to appreciate my genius?

Will they ever be worthy of it?

Don't think about that. Do your pages.

Do your pages.

Here we go.

Int. Strip Club. Day.

Naked ladies gyrate.

Y-R-A-T-E.

Their huge b*obs are bouncing.

Oh. No, no. Da-da-da-da-da.

Their bosoms.

Yes.

"Bosoms." Much classier.

Their bosoms bounce like great jiggly melons.

An angry old man enters the club.

This is Rip Van Winkle.

Van Winkle wears olden time clothing

and... And a sleeping cap.

Yeah. Okay. His long, white beard

reaches to the floor.

He brandishes a large...

...blunderbuss.

What kind of filthy, sinful world

have I awakened to?

ELLIOT:
Van Winkle opens fire:

Boom! Boom!

Okay. That's... That's enough for today.

Stop when you're hot.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the muse has left the building.

[WHISTLING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[IN STRAINED VOICE] Won't be long now, Mo.

The teats are full inflatable.

[GRUNTING]

[IN NORMAL VOICE]

No time for romance today, I'm afraid.

- It'll just have to be a...

- WOMAN:
Hello. Elliot?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

It's Mrs. McCullers from next door.

John said you're home, and I've baked

you my famous Lady Baltimore cake.

You baked...? You baked a cake?

Oh, okay. Well, I'm...

I'm a bit indisposed right now,

Mrs. McCullers.

Can...? Can you just leave it

on the doorstep right there?

MRS. McCULLERS:
The birds will get it.

- What?

- Aah! Penis.

[MUTTERING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Uh, Brett, this is John Truman.

Yeah, yeah. Nice to, uh... Nice to meet you.

Five minutes, Mr. Truman.

Well, let's get down to, uh...

To brass tacks, then.

Shall we? Okay. So...

...uh, question one:

When you, yourself, go

to the movies, Mr. Anderson...

Uh... Or Brett. May I call you Brett?

Yeah. Yeah. You know what?

I, uh... I prefer you didn't.

I see. Well, as I was saying.

When you, yourself,

attend a moving picture...

...what would you say is

your favorite fountain drink?

- Pardon me?

- Which beverage...

...do you find most refreshing,

as a rule of thumb?

Uh... You know, I'm not really sure

what this has to do with my new movie:

Rock Paper Scissors Murder...

...but you know,

if you have any questions about this...

...gripping, psychological thriller...

- ...I'm glad to answer them.

- Of course.

Moving on. Question two:

As both an artist

and an aficionado of the cinema...

...do you prefer popcorn with

or without butter-flavored topping?

Mr. Truman, exactly which, uh,

publication do you represent?

I'm employed by Concessionaire Monthly.

Magazine of the theatrical

food-service industry.

- Okay. You'd better come with me.

- Okay. Yes, but you know what?

- If I could have one moment.

- Please.

- I've got a screenplay you're perfect for.

- Security.

- Oh, God.

- Now, I didn't write it.

My roommate Elliot did.

But it's a real page-turner.

It's a tad long, all right?

Four hundred pages,

but it's dramatic and touching.

It's laugh-out-loud funny. Funny yet real.

It's about a UFO investigator

played by you, who... Spoiler alert.

- Falls in love with the alien he's chasing.

- Time's up.

- Sweat outside, please.

- Yes.

Brett, I'm not only a reporter,

I'm also a fellow actor.

There's a part in the script.

It's the investigator's skeptical sidekick.

These headshots will

give you an idea of my range.

Listen, I have to ask...

Ooh. I'll get those. Oh.

[WOMEN LAUGH]

[FARTS]

[ALL LAUGHING]

[CAMERAS CLICKING]

Thank you, Brett. My number's

with the materials. Call anytime.

ELLIOT:
Fired from separate jobs. Both of us.

On the exact same day again?

What are the odds of that

happening three times?

Astronomical. But how could he

have fired you, Elliot?

- I mean, why?

- Who knows?

That sadistic son of a b*tch has had

me in his crosshairs since day one.

It could've been any of a hundred

imagined transgressions...

...in that lunatic's head.

Dude, I've been fired from a video store,

a bowling alley, a comic-book shop.

And an ice-cream parlor.

I'm running out of dream jobs.

Know what would lift our spirits?

Us brightening the girls' day

with a surprise visit.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

# I'm deluxe #

# Baby, I'm printin' them bucks ##

How can this many people be shopping

in the middle of the week?

What are they all,

welfare cheats and screenwriters?

Thought the economy's in the toilet.

Doesn't anyone have a job anymore?

Takers.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

SALLY:
Hey, I heard we might

discontinue the all-cotton knee-high.

- What? Why? No way. Who said?

- Mm-hm. Yeah.

Hey, but just keep it under your hat.

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