Nerdland Page #2
- Okay?
- MAN:
Um, ahem.Mr. Kelly told me
in the strictest of confidence.
Oh, it's such a sad day.
What are we gonna do tonight?
- Mmm. Is Celebrity Jousting on?
- We're DVR'ing it.
Yes. Good. Okay. All right. What about this?
We make-over our busty lesbian avatars,
go virtual clubbing...
...and watch the pervert feeding-frenzy.
AKA "Wednesday." Genius.
- Eww.
- Oh, God.
Afternoon, ladies. Heh.
- What's...? What's up? Hi.
- Yeah. Hi.
Hello, Linda.
You...? You girls working hard
or hardly working?
[LAUGHING]
- Oh...
- Excuse me.
Sorry to walk in and interrupt...
...everybody talking to each other,
enjoying... Ahem.
Linda...
...register.
- LINDA:
Ugh.- Thank you.
I... I didn't see you here yesterday.
That's because I wasn't here.
You know what you should do?
You should make a...
You should Xerox your schedule.
Make a copy of it, and I'll have it
with me so I'll always know...
Ha-ha-ha. No. Mm-mm.
I'm helping customers. I can't
stand around, talking to some random...
Oh, no problem.
I'll just... I'll just do some shopping.
Ahem. So, um...
- I was chilling with Brett Anderson today.
- Oh, that's awesome.
Yeah. He's great. He's a great guy.
Really... Really nice.
He's a little full of himself...
[CAMERAS CLICKING AND PEOPLE LAUGHING]
...to be honest.
And short. Shorter than
he looks in the movies, for sure.
He stands... He's probably like 4'...
Like 4'2". Anyway, you know, he and I
are considering taking a project...
- ...into active development together.
- [SOFTLY] I don't care.
Uh, yeah. Hey, before you...
Before you flee, I have a question.
I was just wondering... Um...
Oh, God, I'm not good at this.
[CHUCKLES]
What I'm trying to say is, uh...
You know what? I would love to...
[SQUEAKS]
Oh.
I finally cracked that horror script
I was telling you about.
Remember that one: Van Winkle?
It's... It's a present-day retelling...
...of Washington Irving's classic tale
of Rip Van Winkle...
...which is public domain,
but when he wakes up in my version...
...he finds modern society
so objectionable...
...he starts killing everyone.
I find it to be sort of a post-modern...
- $15.32, please.
- You know what, Linda?
When are we gonna get together
for another double-date?
That's what I wanna know.
We can't have another double-date
because we never had one.
You just followed us to the movies
and sat behind us.
Listen, Linda, I... I realize I'm no prize.
I... I mean, look at me, but...
...I want you to know,
just maybe, one of these days...
...John and I are gonna do something special.
We're gonna make a name for ourselves.
- Will you go away now?
- Anyhow, nice...
Nice seeing you. Bye.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
No. Yo, you decide because every time
I pick it, you don't like the place I pick...
- ...and it's a whole thing, so just...
- No, no, no. Go on, really. It's fine.
- I'll settle for anything.
- For any...? Oh, okay.
Well, how about Hamburger Junction?
Oh, seriously? Hamburger Junction?
We always eat at Hamburger Junction.
I'm sick to death of Hamburger Junction.
What about Der Noodle?
No, we had German yesterday.
- Clucky's Chicken?
- No.
- Snack World.
- Oh, no.
- Pancake Brothers?
- No.
- Just Soup.
- F***, no.
Finger Food Connection...
- ...where good food is at your fingertips.
- Uh-uh.
- Pita, Paul, and Mary.
- No.
- Jim Dandy's.
- Negative.
- B.J. O'Williedoodle's.
- No. I got diarrhea last time.
- Jolly Onion.
- Nope.
Fondue Hut. Chop-Chop Chinese.
- Unidentified Flying Pizza. One of those.
- No.
ELLIOT:
Lasagna Barn. The Italian Goose.- Fiddle Stix.
- What was the name of that place?
- The one place we went to that one time?
- The Dutch Omelet.
No, but that sounds interesting.
Where is that, Burbank or Glendale?
- I'm sorry. That sounds interesting?
- Yeah.
ELLIOT:
I... I made that one up.[MUSIC PLAYING]
Welcome to Hamburger Junction.
Would you like to see our specials?
- Choo-choo.
- We'll need another minute. Thanks.
Do you know what this is?
It's a birthday card from my parents.
I'm 30 years old tomorrow.
Happy birthday.
No. Unhappy birthday.
After tomorrow, we're both 30, Elliot.
Do you know how old 30 is in Hollywood?
When you're in your 20s,
being an aimless loser is forgiven...
...it's even encouraged,
but not when you're in your 30s.
Oh, man, you can't give up.
I mean, 30 is the new 12.
Think of it that way.
I mean, you just... You just
have to believe in yourself.
Oh, please.
That's something your parents tell you.
Because if you think you can
become president...
...maybe you won't be a drug dealer
or a pimp.
Every time... Every time, John, there's
the slightest setback, you get like this.
I can... I can set my watch by it, man.
Remember your acting instructor?
Remember when he said there was
absolutely nothing he could teach you?
Remember that? You're damn right he did.
Didn't he practically throw you
out of his class that day?
That was his way of saying:
"Go. Get out.
Get out there and start acting."
And your screenwriting teacher, I mean,
he did call you his greatest student.
He spent all of those long
hours working with you.
Nights, at his condo, on his own time.
He'd still be mentoring you...
...if he hadn't been jailed
for providing alcohol to minors.
Exactly. Talent is not our problem.
You and I, and not to sound
a little pretentious here...
- ...we have got ass-loads of talent.
- That doesn't sound pretentious.
What we need is opportunity.
Yeah. Hello, world.
- Here we are. Thank you.
- You're f***ing up.
Look at the guy who created The Bloops.
He turned homemade
cartoon videos on the Internet...
...into an empire. The Bloops are everywhere.
Now there's even a Bloops charity
for disadvantaged kids.
God, I hate The Bloops.
What will it really take for us
to get a little face time with America?
I mean, nowadays, everyone's
posting videos online...
...of their dog farting or their kid burping.
[LAUGHING]
I love the one where
the burping kid's riding the farting dog.
Millions of folks around the world
are on the Internet...
...watching those infantile videos...
...on LOL WTF Tube and WoopsieDoopsie.com.
What's been missing
in everything we've attempted?
- Success.
- Newsworthiness.
TV and movie stars aren't enough anymore.
People love this kind of stuff.
They think "Maybe I'm next.
Maybe I'll fend off a criminal,
you know, or win the lottery...
...or have a single-engine plane
crash in my backyard."
If we were to give
the celebrity-obsessed masses...
...something really worth watching,
I mean really worth watching...
...we'd also be launching our careers.
And I'll tell you another thing.
You and me plus fame...
...equals Sally and Linda
fall head-over-heels for us.
Multiplied by "F***, yeah."
So why not us?
And I mean today, not tomorrow.
Yeah. Today.
Let's become common men
in uncommon circumstances.
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"Nerdland" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 4 Dec. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/nerdland_14671>.
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