Nerdland Page #3

- Let's go be heroes.

- Count me in.

Today, we make our own opportunity.

- It's a new beginning.

- It's a bold adventure.

Ready to order?

Yes, I'm gonna have

the Caboose Burger with cheese...

...and the Wagon Wheel fries.

I'll have the same. No pickles.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[FLIES BUZZING]

ELLIOT:
Hello, America,

watching on your computers.

Here we are behind Hinckley's Shop-o-Mart.

My name is Elliot Alexander,

and this is Archie.

Hello, America.

And if I may ask,

what is your last name, Archie?

That's a good question, man.

Okay. Terrific. And how long

have you been a hobo?

- What's that?

- Elliot, ix-nay on the obo-hay.

Ahem. Um...

Yes. Greetings, Internet enthusiasts.

I'm John Truman.

Elliot and I are proud to announce

that this is Archie's lucky day...

...because no longer

will Archie have to search...

...in these nearby dumpsters

for his next meal.

I won't?

No longer will Archie have to sleep

in the gutter like a common animal.

What are you saying, man?

Who are you guys anyway?

Shut up. Let me finish.

Archie, we'd like to present you

with this cashier's check...

...we've had specially prepared.

It's for $144.57.

Our gift to you.

- Oh, really?

- That's correct.

Cash this check, Archie,

and before you know it...

...you will be pulling yourself up

by your bootstraps.

Or your plastic bags,

whichever the case may be.

This is really mine? That...

Sh*t, well, that's awfully

nice of you boys, man.

- Maybe you're not so bad.

- No, we're not so bad, Archie.

- We're good because...

- That's really nice of you.

- ...John and I feel...

- Sh*t.

...we were put on this earth

to help those less fortunate.

What the hell?

Oh, the damn tripod screwed up.

Was it like that while we

were awarding the check?

This whole thing's ruined.

Calm down. We'll just do it over.

Okay. Yes. All right. You're right.

You're right. Hang on. I'm letting it run.

- Okay. Let's take it from the top.

- Alrighty, Archie. Here we go.

Like before. If you give me

the check, then we'll...

Give you the check? But you gave it to me.

Yes, and now we're gonna

give it to you all over again.

I already have it, man.

Yes. No. I know.

We must have our altruistic act

of charity captured on the video.

- You understand.

- What I understand...

...is you're trying to take my check,

but it's mine, man.

You and your ugly friend said so.

- I'm sorry. Who's ugly?

- Oh, look, enough of this.

- Let go, you filthy vagrant.

- No, man. You let go, man.

- Damn it, Archie.

- Come on. Don't just stand there, Elliot.

Help me. He's surprisingly powerful.

Yeah. One step closer, ugly man,

and I will brain you.

This is crazy, Archie. We're your friends.

No, man, you're some kind

of thieving tricksters, that's what.

You're goddamn con men and carpetbaggers.

That's what you are, man. You...

BOTH:
Oh!

ARCHIE:
Nertz to you, man.

Nobody takes my check. Nobody.

[JOHN SOBBING]

Con men and carpetbaggers.

[HORN HONKS]

Hey, I'm rolling here, man.

It's important because

it's my job application and rsum.

- You have The Bloops Fun Time Digest?

- I don't know. Do you have money?

It didn't seem

Iike you dialed enough numbers...

- ...for international...

- I assure you I did.

My dad's next door at the...

The Bloops Fun Time Digest, Volume 1 Issue 3.

- Mm. Okay, but...

- I'll be keeping an eye on you.

- Ugh.

- Your fax went through, ma'am.

I promise you. Eight dollars.

You keep calling me "ma'am"...

...and I'm pretty sure I'm a lot

younger than you. Okay?

- So annoying.

- How's it going, Edward?

I mean, how is the king today?

The king grows weary, for his subjects

are imbeciles and unappreciative.

No one seems to grasp just

what kind of Herculean effort...

...it takes to keep a brick-and-mortar

collectibles emporium afloat in this age.

- We need your help.

- Of course you do. Come with me.

Mind the store, Becky.

Yes, Your Majesty.

[PLAYING LIVELY TUNE]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

And what is it exactly

you require, gentlemen?

European triple-X cartoons?

She-male face-sitting short subjects?

Paul Lynde's Halloween Special

on VHS? What's your pleasure?

Um, actually, Ed, we're kind of wondering...

...if we could borrow your

Iittle digital video cam.

Our camera got misplaced.

Why don't you use your phone like every

other person in the entire human race?

Well, it's a bit of an older model.

What is that?

A phone.

My phone doesn't have a camera.

Or a keyboard. Unbelievable.

- What about yours?

- Uh, yeah. Um...

Well, we share that one, heh, to...

You know, to economize.

How thrifty.

When you say you'd like

to "borrow" my mini-camera...

...I assume what you really

meant to say is "rent."

JOHN:
You know what?

We need to be courageous.

- We need to be heroic.

- We're gonna be heroes.

This can't be about us. That was our mistake.

- Yeah. We're being selfish.

- Exactly.

We need to be touching

other people's lives meaningfully.

- Making a difference.

- We've got to be selfless.

Oh, you said it there.

How do you zoom with this thing?

Sometimes, being a hero simply means

being in the right place at the right time.

ELLIOT:
Ten-four, good buddy.

Testing, testing, one, two, three.

Okay. I think the camera's working.

Great. Now we just need to be

first on the scene...

...at some quick horrible emergency

where we can be saviors.

Like maybe a traffic accident.

We pull the victims free.

JOHN:
Or even a suicide jumper

that we talk down.

- We'll say, "Get down. It's not worth it."

- Let's keep our eyes peeled...

...because people abandon babies

in Los Angeles all the time.

If we lucked into one of those...

- That would be sweet.

- The best.

WOMAN [OVER RADIO]: All units be

advised. 5500 block, Vermont Avenue.

Hey, whatever that is,

it's right near here. Let's roll.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[HORNS HONK]

[SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE]

It's a fire.

Sweet. I wanted it to be a fire.

Is that bad? I wanted it to be a fire.

Somebody call 911.

[GRUNTING]

- Is everyone out?

- I don't know.

Are you all right?

Oh, what happened to your head?

OLD WOMAN:
Help.

Someone help me.

[CROWD GASPS]

- Somebody do something.

- It's too dangerous.

[SCREAMS]

- Oh, where'd she go?

- This is our chance.

- This is our chance.

- Do some good.

What the f*** is wrong with them?

[SIREN WAILING]

Go, go, go. Let's move, people.

Get down. Get down.

Watch your back. Through those doors.

What is a hero? Am I a hero?

Some may think so. These two young lives...

Look at that old witch. Showboat!

Hot dog. Big whoop.

- She did save your life.

- Oh, I don't care.

I mean, I was doing fine

till I breathed all that smoke...

...and took a header down the stairwell.

How do I know she didn't push me?

We might not be the heroes,

but we'll still get publicity.

Here's an old acting tip for the interview.

Rub a little dirt in your eyes.

The more we cry, the more newsworthy we are.

- Oh. Here they come. Get ready.

- Wait. They're leaving.

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