Nerdland Page #4

Uh... Excuse me. Excuse me. Miss.

My friend and I were pulled from the inferno.

- No time, guys. We're out of here.

- No. Look, you don't understand.

We almost died in there.

It was like we were standing

at the gates of Hades.

My friend is crying, you ghouls.

Sorry, fellas, but there's

a hostage situation at Dinkle's Donuts.

Thirteen people are being held

by a disgruntled pie man.

You know, real news. Let's go!

[TIRES SCREECHING]

MAN [ON TV]:
This is the latest

in a series of rampages...

...by gun-toting bakery employees.

Many wonder if these acts of violence...

...aren't a reaction to the high-pressure

demands of baking...

...with its Sysiphusian workload

and taxing predawn hours.

Aren't you scrubbed up yet?

- They sure taught us a lesson.

- What are you talking about?

Elliot, we've been idiots.

We've been going about it all wrong.

You want attention, press coverage?

You think you do that by doing good works?

No way. Take a look.

"Exclusive interview with a mad bomber."

I mean, what would we have to do...

...to get on the cover of News Time magazine?

Look. Anywhere.

"TV Peeper Online: Confessions

of a Congressional Masseuse."

"Info Week. The Seattle Panty Bandit

tells his side of the story."

Even The New York Times. The New York Times!

What's their top story? "Pervert Rapes Self."

What does the depraved

American citizenry want?

All things lurid and unexpurgated.

Prison diaries, tell-alls,

fully illustrated erotic cookbooks.

They can't get enough reality

programming and TV talk-show scandals.

- We've been so nave.

- Whoa, Johnny, slow down.

It's not fame we need, Elliot.

It's infamy. That's what gets rewarded.

Look at them. Right there.

Look at all the attention they're getting.

However, you are overlooking

one small detail...

...which is we do not want

to go up the river...

...as they say in the criminal parlance...

...because that's where unwelcome

things often go up a person's rear end.

Yes. Granted.

I understand we shouldn't risk

more jail time than is necessary.

Maybe a night or two at most.

- Um, heh. How's that again?

- I'm sorry.

You still wanna hit the big time, don't you?

Well, yes, sure. Except...

Wouldn't you spend a night behind bars

if that's what it took to change your luck?

To change your life.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

JOHN:
Welcome to cyber century, friend.

We're going to make a name for ourselves...

...without setting foot into the real world.

How are we gonna manage that?

JOHN:
Um, uhh... Have you ever

heard of computer hacking?

Yes, I have. What do you

know about computer hacking?

Well, I dabble, mostly...

...but there's plenty of DIY advice

on all my favorite conspiracy sites.

What do you think

I'm doing in here all the time?

- Role-playing and masturbating?

- No.

- I don't think you're role-playing.

- The sport of geeks:

Secretly cracking into corporate

and government networks.

Peering back through the chemtrail haze,

watching the watchers.

I never dared leave my calling card

until today.

Oh, God, this is exhilarating.

MegaSoft, though. That...

Shouldn't we be cutting our teeth

on something a little...

...not quite so gigantically huge?

JOHN:
It's precisely because MegaSoft's

the largest corporate empire on Earth...

...that they deserve to feel the sting

of my everyman's lash.

[CHUCKLES]

First, we merely insert a little

protest message on their home page.

We're in. Yes.

All right. Now my merciless missive.

[POPPING]

"Megasoft fat cats. Anything to make a buck.

Gentlemen, you suck."

- That's not bad.

- Yeah.

Well, I gotta tell you, nothing hits

the mark quite like a satirical haiku.

Millions worldwide will see it.

And once we've come forward

to claim responsibility...

...you and I are going to be hailed

as 21st century Robin Hoods.

What screen name do you want?

I'm gonna go with "Deadly Jester."

[CACKLING]

You know what? Put me down as...

..."Boobmaster."

- B-double-O-B-M-A-S-T-E-R.

- T-E-R.

I figured that's how it's spelled.

It's not menacing enough.

I mean, what's it even supposed to mean?

Ah... Okay. Fine. All right.

"Fistofsatan." All one word.

Here we go. Moment of truth.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

No, no, no!

Okay? That is all wrong.

We'll do it again. We're trying it again.

As you wish, sir.

Oh, good show.

Oh, Jesus Christ, it's out.

Okay? Now, look, DuPont,

you're a goddamn idiot. Okay?

Look at me. You're a goddamn idiot.

Remember what I showed you. Okay?

Get on your toes like a ballerina,

and do tippy-toes. All right?

Tippy-toes. Tippy-toes. Tippy-toes.

This is you. Flat foot. Flat foot.

- Sincerest apologies, sir.

- Can you believe these losers?

[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

[CHUCKLES]

I don't understand that.

[CRYING AND PHONE BUZZING]

Okay. Go get that.

What is it? What do you want?

Mr. Masterson, this is Daniels in Security.

Someone's trying to hack

through the firewall.

Holy sh*t. You must be joking.

- We'll take care of it, sir.

- No, no, no.

You won't do anything.

I've been wanting to test

a new countermeasure.

This is the perfect opportunity.

All right, Deadly Jester

and fistofsatan, you little pricks...

...allow me to introduce you

to the Reverse Corkscrew 1.0.

Enjoy.

- The haiku's uploading as we speak.

- I gotta tell you, this is exciting.

Exciting? We're revolutionaries, baby.

We're storming the cyber Bastille.

The emperor has no clothes!

No, not only is he nude, he's about

to receive a swift kick to the...

- Whoa, what's that? What's that?

- I don't know.

[CLICKING]

It's never made a sound like that before.

Oh, God, no. No, no, no.

Should we leave the house? What do we do?

It's siphoning off my pornography.

All my meticulously alphabetized pornography.

Oh, it's already up to the L's.

Oh, bad news, bad news.

No, no. Why did we do this?

Aah! Aah. No.

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING

AND COMPUTER POWERING DOWN]

I think it's over.

They... They sort of turned the tables

on us, huh? Heh. Flipped the script.

Suck it, b*tches.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

All right, all right.

You want infamy, Mr. John Q. Public,

you perverted bastard...

...we'll give you infamy.

Go ahead. Open it.

This is madness. They'll hurt you.

Sure. Once I've badged

them into attacking me, it'll be a cinch.

There's nothing cops hate more

than stinking, free-loving hippies.

- What world are you living in?

- Hey, wait a minute.

Didn't you say whatever it takes? You did.

All right? Now, people love

police-brutality videos.

They get really worked up over

easily digestible injustices. All right?

The news is gonna play

this thing a million times.

If you want a proper beating, you should

be portraying a graffiti artist or a rapper.

Let's just focus. All right?

When the bludgeoning begins,

I'll play possum.

Once they think I've lost consciousness...

...they'll lose interest and move on.

That's when you drag me to the hospital.

Oh, well, so long as there's a blueprint.

Just get the golden footage, man. Okay?

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