Nerdland Page #5

I'm going in.

[SINGING GIBBERISH]

Oh, I'm flying, man-child.

Flying high as a kite, man. Freedom!

Hello, piggies.

Ooh. Wait, wait, wait. Let me put that in

a language you can understand. Ready?

Oink oink oinky oink!

Ha, ha. Piggies.

I'm gonna have to ask you to move along.

Hey, don't try to stifle my free speech, man.

Sir, please cease and desist.

Ooh. Ooh, what? What are you gonna do?

You gonna beat my brains in

with your big batons?

Or should I say your big surrogate penises?

That's enough of this.

I'm writing you up for littering.

That's a $25 citation, young man.

Hey, you know what? Screw off. I'm stoned.

Oh. Wow. The sky's a cotton-candy rainbow.

The sun's a bowl of lemonade.

I can hear the grass grow.

Get down from there, sir.

[CAMERA BEEPS]

- COP:
Howdy.

- Hmm? What?

Man, that's a heck of a nice camera, son.

Oh, this? I, um...

You mind if I take a look?

Sure. Yeah. I guess.

Oh, that is a fine piece of equipment.

It's digital, right?

Oh, that's right. Yes.

Yeah. The wife and I are

thinking of buying one.

This little baby would be perfect

for the family vacation. Wow.

We're heading to Florida to see the in-laws.

And every damn amusement park,

ha, ha, for the kids.

- You got kids?

- Uh... Uh...

None that I know of.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Keep it that way, I tell you what.

Yeah. They're great, but they're...

- Boy, are they expensive.

- ELLIOT:
Help!

I know. I know. I have

friends that have children...

...and they just say they eat.

Yeah. They eat a lot. They eat a lot.

I got one that won't stop eating.

This guy, he eats three hotdogs in a sitting.

- He's 5 years old.

- My goodness.

I film it all. I film it all.

I got some here on my phone.

Let me see if I can look this up.

JOHN:
Yeah. That's pretty big.

- That's a good-sized kid.

- COP:
Yeah.

[BOTH LAUGH]

[ENGINE STARTS]

Gotta run. Thanks, son. Terrific camera.

Oh, no problem, officer. Hey, do me a favor:

Have a great day. Okay?

[ELLIOT GROANING]

Elliot?

ELLIOT:
Are you sure you didn't

get any of it on camera?

I'm sorry, Elliot. I really am.

It's okay. Really. Between kicks, they

were mostly slapping with open hands.

Oh, I just... I feel so awful.

I can't apologize enough.

ELLIOT:
It was more about humiliation

than anything else.

Nothing 97 ounces of highly caffeinated

soda beverage can't put right.

[WHISTLING]

Halfway there.

Okay. It's your turn to brainstorm.

My brain's empty.

Come on, mister 30-something.

We need a plan of action.

An instant fame plan.

JOHN:
Yes. What will it take to hurdle us

headlong into the zeitgeist?

Oh! Watch out. Nearly spilled my Treacle.

I mean to say, please, excuse me, sir.

My fault entirely.

[SOFTLY] Help me out here, Johnny.

The man's a lunatic.

Uh, ahem. You dropped

your little wool hat, mister.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]

Oh, my God. Psycho eyes. Yikes.

Let's get out of here.

I'd hate to cross paths with him again.

Well, let me tell you something.

That is never gonna happen.

No, sir. It's pretty safe to say...

...that that's the last

we're ever going to see of him.

# We are Bloops

You are Bloops #

# Shut up, we are Bloops #

# Scooba-dooba-da

Bloop, bloop, bloop #

# Shut up

We are Bloops #

# We are Bloops

You are Bloops #

More Bloops. Bloop you, motherblooper.

# Shut up

We are Bloops #

Look at that poor bastard.

# Shut up, we are Bloops #

# Scooba-dooba-da

Bloop, bloop, bloop #

# Shut up

We are Bloops #

# We are Bloops

You are Bloops #

# Shut up, we are... ##

[MUSIC PLAYING]

ELLIOT:
Gotta be famous.

Here we go. What do we do?

What does one do? Let's see. Let's see.

Fame and glory is what we seek.

Famousness, fame-tasticness, fame-ocity.

I got nothing here.

Desperation.

[BOTTLES CLATTERING]

Huh? What? Sorry. What did you say?

Desperation. I've known desperation

for as long as I can remember.

I always thought it was a bad thing.

Isn't it?

I've got the solution to

all of our problems right up here.

Plenty of great men built their lives...

...on foundations of courage

and noble intentions.

But how many more success stories,

truly American success stories...

- ...grew out of pure blind desperation?

- What are you getting at?

What I'm getting at

requires we stop thinking small-time.

Yeah. Okay. Sounds good. So...?

You do know what I'm getting at, don't you?

Well, um... Uh...

Yeah. Yeah. You're way ahead of me. Oh-ho-ho.

You know exactly what I'm gonna say.

Okay. Yeah.

Yeah. I think...

You and me. Come on, buddy.

Say it with me. Come on. Say it with me.

- We...

- We...

Go on.

Go on... Uh...

Yes. Uh...

- We go on...

- Go on... Ha-ha-ha.

- ...a murder spree.

- Whoa, what?

- A murder spree.

- Wait. What did you say?

A killing rampage. Now, listen,

I know it sounds fairly extreme.

- Fairly extreme?

- Hear me out.

The idea would be...

...what we would do,

is we would kill a couple of people...

...a handful at most. Not many.

Preferably strangers.

And the toughest part

will be us surrendering alive.

ELLIOT:
Um...

And no suicide pact either.

That's just plain shortsighted.

I don't know. Johnny, for one thing...

...whatever happened to us avoiding

significant jail time? Remember?

We'd end up instantly famous

across the board.

I'm talking guaranteed worldwide fame.

Fame like we haven't even begun to imagine.

- ELLIOT:
However...

- This is our chance.

It's just...

Our only chance.

I'm not quite sure you're thinking this

all the way through.

We made a pact that we were

going to get famous today.

Didn't we?

- Didn't we?

- Did we?

And for once in my stupid, miserable,

Iosing life, I'm not waiting until tomorrow.

That's what I'd normally do,

but not this time. No.

This'll put us on all

the evening-news programs.

There'll be books, even movies,

about our lives.

Our names will be household words.

Women will talk to us.

We'll finally be somebodies. So, come on.

You're with me.

Aren't you?

Don't leave me hanging, Elliot.

You and me, through thick and thin,

our handshake is our bond.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I'm sorry, buddy. I just...

I don't think so. I... I can't. It's just...

I don't know if I've got the...

The killer instinct.

Yeah. No. I...

No, I understand.

I wish I did.

No, hey, it's... It's fine.

Actually, it's no problem.

Well, maybe I should, uh...

I should probably...

...go get started.

Sure. Sure. Probably.

Uh, good luck with the murdering

and everything.

Thanks.

Um, I'll...

I'll be seeing you.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

# Why do you have to go #

# And leave me here to die #

# 'Cause you had me at hello #

# Then you killed me #

# You killed me at goodbye #

# Ah, ah #

# Yeah, you killed me #

# You killed me at goodbye ##

[MUSIC PLAYING]

John, wait.

I can't let you do this.

By yourself.

I couldn't do it, buddy. I couldn't let you

go on a killing spree all alone.

I knew I could count on you.

I knew it.

It would've been meaningless without you.

It's just, I'm afraid I'll screw it up.

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