Nerdland Page #6

You know, I don't know if I can do it.

I don't know if I've got it in me.

Hey, what, you don't think I'm scared too?

Look at me.

I'm just as scared as you are.

- Really?

- Of course I am.

What am I, a professional? Come on.

The murdering's not gonna be easy,

but we'll figure it out.

Together. Huh...

- Good enough. Let's go kill people.

- Okay.

- How may I help you, young man?

- Uh...

Oh, yes.

I need some chloroform.

- Did you say "chloroform"?

- Yes.

Chloroform is a very powerful anesthetic,

you know that?

I also need some heavy gauze pads.

A little larger than my hand, I'd say.

There's a mandatory

five-day waiting period...

...and background check for

the purchase of chloroform.

- Seriously, there's a... Five days?

- Mm-hm. I'm afraid so.

Damn it. I was kind of

counting on getting it now.

- See, we really, really need it today.

- Ha-ha-ha.

I'm sorry. I do that all the time.

I'm sorry. The look on your face.

I do apologize.

- There's no waiting period for chloroform.

- Oh. Ha-ha-ha.

Okay. So, uh...

Well, great. All right.

Comes in half or full-gallon jug.

I suggest the full gallon, price break.

Oh, then full gallon it is.

And the gauze pads.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

- What are we back here for?

- Follow me. You'll see.

[BEEPS]

The Royal We is in his office.

ELLIOT:
Mm-hm.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING INSIDE]

THE KING:
Ah, yeah.

Yeah.

Up, up, and away.

[IMITATES LASER FIRING]

This cape is looking good.

Cape is looking good. Cape is...

- Hello.

- Hey, what a... Hey.

Forgot to lock the door again.

It's all right.

I'm surprised you're back.

Couldn't resist the enema video, huh?

There's no time, so I'll come out with it.

John and I need to get

ahold of a copy of Video X-V.

What? What do you think you're doing?

I said never speak of that item. Never.

I'm sorry.

For your own safety, I can't really

explain why, but it's just very important.

Important? You were sworn to secrecy,

you filthy motherf***er.

- Um, I... I don't understand.

- Let me tell him.

Please, it's just us three.

You know that John can be trusted.

John, Video X-V is the holy grail

of underground videos.

Those few who've heard rumor of it

speak of it only in whispers.

It's the king's magnum opus, although

he's the only one who's ever seen it.

- Because it's not ready.

- You've been editing it for eight years.

It's incomplete, flawed, a work in progress.

And you're a perfectionist,

we understand that, but maybe...

...just maybe, it's time for you to let go.

No.

JOHN:
I still have no idea

what you're talking about.

Just... What could it hurt

if we were to borrow a copy?

Just for tonight.

Please, if there's anyone, anyone...

...on this disgusting wet ball

of excrement circling the sun...

...who could appreciate your masterwork...

...oh, king of the nebbishes...

...I avert my gaze, and bow my head

when I say that it is us...

...fellow undeserving nincompoops.

ELLIOT:
X-V. Extreme violence. Pure genius.

But surprisingly simple.

A collection of any and all

of the most violent...

...R- and NC-17-rated movie moments,

not scenes, mind you, moments.

Edited together, non-stop.

Nothing else. Only the best parts.

Shootings, stabbings, gougings,

dismemberments...

...crocodile and zombie attacks. You

name it, if it's reprehensible, it's here.

Holy f***. Watching it would be like

exposing yourself to years and years...

...of the most gratuitous violence

Hollywood has to offer.

- All in one sitting.

- Exactly.

For the aspiring murderer...

- ...it's what the doctor ordered.

- It's perfect.

Everyone knows that

violent movies and video games...

...are the direct cause of so many

of today's societal problems.

Are we ready for this?

Could we ever truly be ready?

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, my. Hello, boys.

What brings you here?

Help yourselves.

Make yourselves at home.

Right. Yeah. No. This is good. This is good.

We'll be comfortable

starting with someone we know.

I'm feeling pretty confident.

So after her, we'll ease into the spree.

You know?

Branching out into random killings

that'll leave the authorities baffled.

You're the boss.

It certainly is a delightful diversion

having company for a change.

- Eh, thought we'd drop by.

- We're just being neighborly.

I admit, it can be lonely

ever since Charles died.

There must be, like, times when...

...you get so lonesome, sometimes,

you might even wish you were...

...with him, right?

Oh, heavens, heh, don't be morbid. Heh, heh.

What he means is it must be comforting

to imagine that when you finally do...

...pass on...

...your husband will be waiting

to greet you at the pearly gates.

Well, please don't misunderstand,

I did care dearly for my Charles...

...and kept my vow, but he was

an angry and spiteful man...

...and I'm fairly certain he's in hell.

- BOTH:
Aah!

- MRS. McCULLERS: Will you care...

...to cut the cake, Elliot?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, I think maybe John should cut this cake.

JOHN:
She asked you to do it.

[MOUTHS] You.

Yes, but you're the one with the sweet tooth.

So you go right ahead,

and I'll cut the next cake.

Fine, then. No problem. I'll sh...

I'll cut the... I'll cut the damn cake.

It's easy. I'll show you. It's no big whoop.

Especially if you do it quickly

and get it over with.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

MRS. McCULLERS:
Who wants elderberry tea?

- Hey, uh...

- This is crazy.

We can't do this. We're not murderers.

- Uh... Guess not.

- No matter how much we try...

...to psych ourselves up,

we haven't got the instinct.

We know right from wrong.

We know what guilt is, and remorse...

- ...and the worth of a human life.

- Whew. Well spoken. Absolutely.

- I mean, really, what were we thinking?

- I blame myself.

You know, I'm the one that

talked you into this.

- No, no, no.

- Yes, yes, yes, I did.

Your heart wasn't in it from the start,

but, oh, I wouldn't listen.

Okay. You're too hard on yourself. All that

counts is you realize you were wrong...

...so let's get out of here.

You're right. You're right.

Let's thank Mrs. McCullers,

and we'll be on our way.

But...? But why...?

Why bother her any further?

We can't leave without saying goodbye.

That would be rude.

A minute ago we were gonna kill her.

Letting her live seems like

a huge leap up the politeness scale.

- All the same.

- John, wait.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, my God. What have you done?

- I only wanted you to be proud of me.

- Proud?

- It was the peer pressure.

- You murderer.

- No.

- Oh, my God, you're a murderer!

- John.

- No, no. You... You keep away from me.

No, please, listen.

Hey, think of all the good times

we've had, buddy. You know?

All the laughs?

You know, you don't have to kill me.

I'm not gonna tell.

I promise. I swear to you.

I didn't kill her. I didn't kill her.

Okay? I didn't kill her.

I knocked her out is all.

I used one of our...

...pre-moistened chloroform pads.

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