Nerdland Page #7

I wanted so badly to impress you.

To show you I could get things started.

I got a little over-eager.

- She's alive?

- Yes. Yes, she's... Oh, she's resting.

It's like she's taking a nap.

Mrs. McCullers?

Mrs. McCullers!

JOHN:
Dear Mrs. McCullers,

Mrs. McCullers... Ahem.

"Dear Mrs. McCullers...

...thank you for your hospitality.

I hope you weren't offended when we

refused to play your drinking game.

Once you passed out,

we placed you in this chair...

...to prevent you from choking on your vomit.

Sincerely, John and Elliot."

- Perfect.

- Yes.

It only requires she somehow

have no recollection...

...of you smothering her

into unconsciousness.

Other than that, perfect.

Look what we're reduced to.

Are we willing to go to any lengths

to fulfill our selfish desires?

ELLIOT:
It certainly appears so.

Look how we treated this kind,

goodhearted woman.

She lavishes baked goods upon us,

and how do we repay her?

We're lucky. This is a wakeup call.

Because maybe getting

what you want at any cost...

...maybe that doesn't make you

a success. Maybe just the opposite.

Is there really any worth

to something if you don't earn it?

- John.

- If you treat people...

...Iike dirt to be trampled underfoot.

- John, look. We're on TV.

- Say what now?

- ELLIOT:
That's us.

- Turn it up.

MAN:
...two mystery witnesses exiting

the Los Feliz convenience store.

Moments later, the same camera captured...

...this image of the alleged criminal.

Anyone with information is asked

to contact the L.A.P.D. immediately.

And so the question on everyone's lips:

Who are the mystery witnesses?

- Donna.

- We'll be right back...

...with the local scientist who claims the

Loch Ness monster is here in America.

We're the...

We're the mystery witnesses.

We're the mystery witnesses.

We're the... We're the mystery witnesses.

BOTH:
We're the mystery witnesses.

We're the mystery witnesses.

[LAUGHING]

BOTH:
We're the mystery witnesses.

ELLIOT:
Whoo!

BOTH [IN SINGSONG VOICE]:

We're the mystery witnesses.

We're the mystery witnesses.

We're the mystery witnesses.

We're the mystery witnesses.

We're the mystery witnesses.

We're the mystery witnesses.

We're the mystery witnesses.

MR. KELLY:
So a fat guy comes in.

Real fat guy.

He comes in the store.

I know we got nothing his size.

You know what I said?

Too fat. I mean, it's just too fat to be...

Sometimes, it's just too fat,

and I don't wanna deal with it.

- And I'm not gonna.

- No way.

- No way... No way.

- Mr. Kelly, you're so wicked.

- How fat was he?

- Believe it or not, I used to be fat.

I was. I used to... I used to have a weight

problem, so watch out, or you'll be fat.

- That's what I'm saying.

- Ha-ha-ha. That's a good one, Mr. Kelly.

- What is going on up there?

- MAN [ON TV]:
Good evening.

We are interrupting our 7:00 news hour

to bring you even more important news.

- Cathy.

- Yes, Greg.

I'm standing here with two men

who have come to the station...

...claiming they are the mystery witnesses.

Oh, we are the mystery witnesses, Cathy.

Believe you me. Heh, heh.

I'm John Truman...

...and this is Elliot Alexander.

You may not recognize us

because we were in disguise earlier.

[GASPS]

Elliot told me they were gonna

get some attention today.

What? He wasn't kidding.

Can you explain for our viewers

why you were disguised as hippies?

ELLIOT:
Well, that's... That's a long story.

- Donahue.

- What?

Better get in here.

- Can you walk us through the incident?

- We were leaving the store...

- ...and this big redheaded jerk...

- It's the mystery witnesses.

...just pushes past me, and spills my

97-ouncer, so I say... Remember, John?

I go, "Pardon me, you big ape,

but I believe you owe me an apology."

We're really on TV right now, right?

- Hello, everybody out there in TV land.

- Hi.

- ELLIOT:
Elliot and John in the tiz-ouse.

- Oh, my goodness.

- Oh, do the British accent thing.

- Ahem.

[IN BRITISH ACCENT] Well, it's

wonderful to be here on your television.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]: By the way,

we never did hear, what did we witness?

The suspect in police custody is accused...

- ...of armed robbery.

- [IN BRITISH ACCENT] Not too shabby.

Yes, by the way,

Cathy, did I mention that I am an actor?

[IN NORMAL VOICE]

Yes, he is, and I am a screenwriter.

[CHUCKLES]

Um, we'll be back with more

of our exclusive interview...

...with the mystery witnesses after this.

Linda, Sally, don't you know

those two guys right there?

- Yeah.

- Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God. Yeah. We totally know them.

Elliot and Jim, I totally remembered.

Yeah. Of course we know them

because they are our boyfriends.

- Those are your boyfriends?

- What? They're your boyfriends?

- Yeah.

- Yeah. Our boyfriends.

Those guys are our boyfriends.

They're totally our boyfriends.

Yeah. Our boyfriends.

- Our boyfriends.

- Boyfriends.

[IN DISTORTED VOICE]

Our boyfriends are on TV.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

DONAHUE:
As near as we can figure,

at 4:
47 p.m. this afternoon...

...Mickey "The Redhead" Barns entered

the Extreme Shop on Franklin Avenue...

...ate a soft pretzel, shot the clerk...

...and emptied the cash register.

Although not in that order.

Hey, say, do you think

they could turn on their siren?

DONAHUE:
I'm not certain you two grasp

the seriousness of this situation.

Oh, no, we grasp it, sir.

We couldn't be grasping it

more than we already are.

DONAHUE:
Mickey Barns is

the third cousin of Charlie O'Petrovich...

...the head of Cleveland's ironfisted

Russian-Irish syndicate.

Cleveland?

They may not get the kind of publicity

the larger, popular crime syndicates do...

...but the O'Petrovich family

is nothing to sneeze at.

Anyone who's crossed them has been

found beheaded, if found at all.

Really? Well, that's...

That's not good because...

...once the head's off

even for a split second...

...it's almost always fatal.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[FLY BUZZING]

Oh, yeah. That's him.

He looks like a mean clown.

Authorities have been after him

since the old days...

...for extortion, drugs, even murder.

Except for small collars...

- ...he's slipped free.

- ELLIOT:
What's he doing in Los Angeles?

DONAHUE:
He rose slowly within

the family hierarchy...

...but gave it up years ago

and came to Hollywood...

...to pursue his lifelong dream

of becoming a human cannonball.

He's quite completely insane

in case you can't tell by looking at him.

He's an adrenaline junky.

[NECK CRACKING]

Couldn't keep his hand out of the cookie jar.

Graft, petty larceny, armed robbery,

the occasional burglary.

This will be three strikes for him.

Thanks to you.

ELLIOT:
Sure is one ugly son of a b*tch.

- JOHN:
A face only a mother could love.

- Who do you think gave him that scar?

- Ew.

- Oh.

[BOTH GIBBERING]

Who's got a big tummy?

[BLOWING RASPBERRIES]

Hi.

- Ha, ha. It's almost like he can see us.

- These one-way mirrors are incredible.

That's not a one-way mirror.

- That's a window.

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