Nerdland Page #8

- It's a what?

Uh...

I could swear I saw a skull

and crossbones in his eyes.

What were you thinking?

Why would you let him see us?

See you? You were on television

in front of tens of thousands of viewers.

There's a TV in the holding area,

so Barns is probably one of them.

Okay. Big whoop. Let's just get

this over with, right? Let's...

What's next? You interview us,

we fill out some paperwork and...

[WHISTLES]

- ...we're out of here?

- Haven't you heard a word I've said?

It doesn't matter that Barns

is a distant relative.

His family will demand

your heads on silver platters.

I mean that literally.

You're going into

the witness-protection program.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

Wait a minute. You want us to move

away, and change our names?

And never see our family

and friends ever again?

Never see them, never contact them.

I'm sorry, boys, but you must live

the remainder of your lives in anonymity.

There's no other way.

Thanks all the same,

but that's not gonna work for us.

See, I'm sure you'll understand.

We've got our movie careers to consider.

If you had come in with our cooperation,

we could have shielded you.

But the moment you went on TV...

...witness protection became

your only option.

This man is an unrepentantly violent felon.

He was captured fleeing the scene,

but we can't hold him without evidence.

Only your eyewitness testimony

will keep him off the streets.

You two seem awfully anxious

to be heroes, here's your opportunity.

You're right. You're right.

We have a responsibility to the community.

- A solemn responsibility.

- I don't know.

But you do know, Elliot.

You do know, if we don't testify...

...how could we live with ourselves?

We'd be haunted by the guilt and shame.

Okay, I'm... I'm with you. Right.

We're at your disposal, detective.

Take a seat, we'll begin.

Great.

Oh, but were those vending machines...

- ...I saw down the hall?

- That's right.

You don't mind if we get refreshments,

do you?

We're bound to get thirsty

giving our lengthy...

...incredibly detailed statements.

Right, and I'm hypoglycemic, seriously.

Make it snappy.

Back in a jiff.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[HORNS HONKING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

REPORTER:
The mystery witnesses

John Truman and Elliot Alexander...

...are still wanted for further questioning.

The authorities ask that anyone

with any information...

...as to the whereabouts of the mystery

witnesses, alert your local precinct.

- Back to you in the studio.

- Thanks, Sassy.

The moment everyone in the world...

...and in the entertainment capital

of the world, has been waiting for...

...is now only hours away.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- Oh, my gosh!

- Hi. Sorry for the intrusion, ladies.

- May we come in?

- Yes, yes. Come in.

Hello, Linda. Hello.

What? What? What?

It's you.

- Hello, Sally.

- You are the mystery witnesses.

Can you believe this?

The mystery witnesses are here

in our living room.

Could you maybe not be shouting that

so much at the top of your voice?

They say you're on the run.

Everyone's looking for you.

- Everyone.

- JOHN:
Yeah. We know.

Yeah. Listen, we realize that

we're not welcome here.

But we don't have anywhere else to go.

Not welcome? What are you talking about?

- You are always welcome.

- Yes. Yes, please come.

Make yourselves at home.

You guys must be exhausted.

- Wait. How do you know where we live?

- Yeah. Funny thing is...

...I happened to be in

the neighborhood once...

...driving by just once,

and then I glanced up, you know...

...and happened to see you in your

bedroom window, Linda, so... Ha, ha.

- Cool. That makes sense.

- Sit down, put up your feet, relax. Yeah.

We just need to lay low till

we can collect our thoughts.

Yeah. Of course you do.

The police are watching

our apartment building.

- A stakeout?

- Oh, how thrilling.

Hey, but you managed to slip

through the dragnet. Wow.

You were really on TV.

Just like you said you'd be.

Yeah, but that's not been all

it's cracked up to be just yet.

You looked good, John.

- Like, really ruggedly handsome.

- You think so?

SALLY:
Is there anything we can do to help?

LINDA:
Anything at all?

Well, I... I don't know about you, John,

but I'm... I'm a little hungry.

I could eat.

If it's not too much trouble, I mean.

No, no, no trouble at all. Wait right here.

We'll be right back with a delicious

and nutritious snack...

...for our desperate, perspiring fugitives.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Carrot sticks.

You got one thing right, man.

Infamy is a panty-dropper.

A musky pheromone.

I never thought an ugly guy

could make me so wet.

Yeah. I know. I have been wet for hot

guys before, but never for ugly guys.

- I know.

- "Ugly" wet is different.

Oh, Jesus, we're on every channel.

How do we get out of this mess, John?

My life may suck, but I'm not ready

to flush it down the crapper.

Yeah. I know. I agree.

Not with your exact choice of words.

You know, there's only one thing for it.

We... We have to devise and execute

our greatest, most elaborate...

...ingenious scheme ever. We...

[SIGHS]

I've got it. We have to kill

the mystery witnesses.

F***, yeah.

Well, thank you, ladies, for the bountiful

feast of celery, saltines and ice.

Oh, you're not still hungry, are you?

How could we be?

- Yummy.

- We'll be back as soon as we can.

- Oh, guys, won't you tell us your plan?

- No. We can't do it.

I keep telling you, it's for your own good.

We're giving you the gift

of deniable plausibility.

Wow, thank you.

Well, be careful out there.

[LINDA MOANING]

Good luck.

[BOTH MOAN]

[GRUNTING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Here you go.

Ow.

[GROANS, THEN LAUGHS]

Don't do that.

- Dude, I'm sorry.

- The cops are out front, they'll hear.

Yeah, they'll call in an urgent 10-42:

female in distress.

Shut up, ass.

[CLATTERING]

- Is this it?

- Bingo. Let's get out of here.

[MOANING]

Take it off.

Yeah.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

ELLIOT:
It's an emergency.

We're begging you.

Impossible.

Absolutely, positively,

phantasmagorically impossible.

Please, we're in dire straits.

We've got nowhere else to turn.

Even if I could procure what you need,

and I'm not saying that I could...

...it would take weeks to arrange,

possibly months.

We're willing to pay you handsomely.

[LAUGHING]

What with? You've never seen

the kind of money...

...it would take for me to scrounge

something of this nature.

You have my attention.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Dear God, does my eye deceive me?

Robo Wizard.

Do you realize what this is worth?

Unopened, unblemished packaging,

perfect corners, mint on card.

Accidentally transformed when

his magical time machine...

...was struck by lightning.

He's now half-robot, half-wizard.

He is Robo Wizard.

[SCREAMING]

Oh, how you take me back

to the heady days of my youth.

Saturday mornings,

when I could depend on the sound...

...of your inappropriately violent exploits

to drown out the sounds...

...of mother berating father

in the next room.

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