Nerdland Page #9

Oh, and all those summer nights...

...I spent entwined in a stifling

tangle of bed sheets...

...dreaming of the day when I too

might ride my faithful pterodactyl...

...on a quest to rescue the fair maiden.

So...

...is it a deal then?

You'll have what you need within the hour.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

There she lay, our wanton mistress.

Beautiful, though, you have to admit.

Well, she sure had her way with us.

Raped us six ways from Sunday.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

As promised.

Meet John Truman and Elliot Alexander.

- My goodness.

- Oh, God.

I got them from a buddy who works

at the med-school morgue.

Compared to what was in store

for these two, this is a picnic.

They're older than Methuselah.

How is anyone ever gonna believe they're us?

Gee whiz. Surprisingly,

these are the only dead bodies...

...I could scare up at a moment's notice.

Take them or leave them.

It's no skin off of my rosy-red hindquarters.

[CAR ENGINE STARTS]

Having just dressed a naked corpse...

...I can now place that very high

on my list of least favorite things.

Oh, I really wish there was somewhere

we could wash our hands.

You think this will work?

I don't know. They do it at the end of,

Iike, every third movie...

...and TV show, so why not?

Maybe we should say a few words.

Yeah. Probably.

All right.

O Lord, um...

...we hope that you welcome

these two unfortunate...

Oh, fuckballs, I just remembered

we're missing the CJT.

- What?

- Celebrity Jousting Tournament.

I forgot to record it.

Oh, right. Oh, sh*t.

Let's get this show on the road.

[GRUNTING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[ALL GRUNTING]

[WOLF HOWLS]

Wha...? It... It didn't explode.

- Oh, boy.

- Oh, this is really... This is very bad.

- Didn't you fill the tank?

- We did.

- We filled the tank.

- All right. Quick.

We gotta get our story straight.

You and I were driving along...

...two old men carjacked us

and they seemed...

...suicidal. They took all of our clothes...?

Whoa!

- Yes.

- Ha-ha-ha.

- Yes. Yes.

- Wow.

- Oh, man.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Oh, man, that's so hot.

- THE KING:
Yes.

- JOHN:
It feels hot on my face.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Listen, I'm not good with sentimental

goodbyes, but we'd never...

THE KING:

I got the Robo Wizard. Yeah! Ha-ha-ha.

- Con man and carpetbagger.

- Unh. Oof.

Archie? Elliot. Are you all right? Ooh!

You goddamn con man and carpetbaggers, man.

You know, Elliot, this could actually be

our chance to re-invent ourselves.

To become better people.

Let's win the girls' hearts.

For real this time.

And I'll tell you what else, no more

fame for me, thank you very much.

Yeah. I agree. I've learned my lesson.

I never imagined we'd be so desperate

to become un-famous.

The irony is not lost on me.

We'll hide out with the ladies

for however long...

...and then we'll start rebuilding

our lives on our own terms.

You know?

If we ever did wanna reconsider showbiz...

...there's always massive

reconstructive plastic surgery.

Might not be a bad idea either way.

Right now, though, what I'd like

is a simple job for a change.

Working with my hands, maybe on a farm.

Yes. Nothing could appeal to me more.

Wholesome, honest work, like...

...I don't know, washing things.

- Picking apples.

- Washing apples.

Here's to being dead.

Reborn.

A "new" new beginning.

MAN 1:
Hey, John and Elliot.

- Hey, over here, over here.

- MAN 2:
We're broadcasting live.

- The mystery witnesses have returned.

- Where's your clothing?

- Sally?

- Linda?

We were so scared,

but then we were so excited...

...and we knew we had to call the TV station.

- And the newspapers.

- Yeah, and the... The cops.

What else are we gonna do?

Is it true that you two girls

are professional models?

Oh, how flattering. Heh, heh. No.

But we do work at Fashion Urge

in the Galleria.

There's this sale going on on Tuesday.

Mr. Kelly, what up?

Okay. We're hoping to become actresses

very soon, just FYI, world.

Wh...? What have you done?

[PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

DONAHUE:
Boys, we're taking you into

custody, for your own protection.

- In a shocking twist of fate...

- Wait.

...the mystery witnesses are being arrested.

Oh, you... You thought we ran away.

Oh, no, no, no.

We were getting fresh air.

Clearing our heads.

We were on our way back to

the police station, but we got lost.

- Let's go. Keep moving.

- What will happen to them?

You're stepping on my foot.

Is it true they're going into

witness-protection...

...and can you give us some idea

of where they'll be relocated?

- Sally!

- Linda! Wait. Please...

...Iet us say goodbye to our ladies.

- Have a heart, detective.

- Hold on.

Here come John and Elliot now.

- Oh, hi, guys.

- Hey.

Hi.

- Uh, listen...

- Look...

...we're sorry.

No, no, no. We get it.

- We don't blame you.

- Well, yeah. It's not our fault...

...but we feel kind of bad about how

this worked out for you.

Well, here's the thing, girls.

We'll most likely end up testifying,

us being good citizens and all.

Frankly, that's gonna mean a heck

of a lot of changes in our lives.

Oh, yeah.

Elliot and I, we're gonna have to disappear.

We'll get new names, new identities.

We're needles starting at zero

and going the other way.

And what we were hoping was, well,

what if you two came with us?

We wouldn't need anything else.

I mean, nothing would matter.

It would all be worthwhile in the end

so long as we were together.

You and us. What do you say?

- Uh...

- Uh... Um...

- Well...

- I...

Everybody! Hey, hey, look.

- It... It's happening!

- MAN:
They're unveiling the sign.

Hurry. You'll miss it.

After countless man hours and millions

and millions of tax payer dollars...

...the moment has finally arrived.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the Fluffy Time Biscuit Company...

...is proud to present the one and only...

...new and improved Hollywood sign.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

That...

That's just...

Oh, God. It's awful.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

# I'm deluxe #

# Baby, I'm printin' them bucks #

# I'm deluxe #

# Haters be giving a f*** #

# 'Cause I'm deluxe #

# Baby, I'm printin' them bucks #

# I'm deluxe #

# Haters be giving a f*** #

# Haters wanna race

But they can't catch me #

# Cruisin' down the block

In my new Benzy #

# Ho's all know I'm never thirsty #

# Sipping that Dom

With a toast, sexy ##

Robo Wizard is an incredibly rare...

...and valuable piece

of collectible Americana...

...of nearly inestimable

historical significance...

...the likes of which you're unlikely

to have the privilege...

...of laying eyes on again in your lifetime.

Ah, I'm so bored.

- What should we do tonight, Sal?

- I don't know, Lind.

Could go to the fashion show

or the movie premiere...

...but I'm feeling like maybe we should

rent cow costumes...

...and crash the grand opening...

...of celebrity chef Zechariah's

new vegan restaurant.

- Ha-ha-ha. Hilarious. Ha-ha-ha!

- Ha-ha-ha!

Ladies, do you think you

could find it in your heart...

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