Never Give a Sucker an Even Break Page #2

for a story conference.

You big hoddy-doddy.

You smoke vile cigars all day

and drink whiskey half the night.

Some day you'll drown

in a vat of whiskey.

Drown in a vat of whiskey?

"Death, where is thy sting?"

Goodbye.

Thank you.

Shortest interview on record.

I beg your pardon.

What did you say?

I have an engagement

to read my script.

What was the name?

W. C. Bill Fields.

Glad to know you, Mr. Fields.

Glad to know you.

Step right into my office.

Yes, I will, too.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, that's... Well...

Excuse me.

Well, watch your step here.

Oh, drat! Oh, drat!

You're all right, Fields?

Oh!

Hello, dear.

Pardon me, Mr. Fields.

But my wife is not going to be

dragged in and out of your picture

by the hair of her head.

Of course,

this is only a rough draft.

You've got to

bear with me a half a tick.

And you'll have to take

that crab net off, dear.

Here's one of the scenes.

Do you mind being seated?

Oh, oh, no. My dear.

"You pass the pool hall.

"They're playing for

the championship of the world

"including the $2 side bet.

"You are riding in a jeep

on a sidewalk with a sailor.

"The scene intrigues you.

"You hop off while it is going. In

the circus scene, you wear a beard. "

I wear a beard?

Yeah, a small beard,

a Vandyke.

Just little... You know what

a Vandyke is, don't you?

I certainly do.

Oh.

You enter the pool hall.

"The contender for the

championship just ripped the cloth,

"which causes the ball... "

Good morning, Mr. Pangborn.

Good morning,

Mrs. Pastromi.

Take that Groucho Marx

out of here, please.

"... which causes the ball

to leap off the table. "

Just a moment, please.

Hello?

Oh, it's the other phone.

Hello? Yes. Yes, she's here.

It's for you, Mrs. Pastromi.

"Strong men faint.

Some feint with their rights

"and some feint with

their lefts. " Hello? Yes.

I can't hear you.

You'll have to talk louder.

"He faints. "

I'm talking as loud as I can.

Yeah.

Don't we always have

spaghetti for dinner? Yeah.

All right, we'll have raviolis.

"And you rush over... "

Of course, I'll be home.

What time is it?

"... and put his head

in your lap. "

I can't hear you. Goodbye.

Well, goodbye.

Thank you, Mrs. Pastromi.

You're welcome.

Then you go off to the local

barber shop and get shaved

and play the rest of the scene

and the picture

with an absolutely clean face.

Oh, well, all right.

We can cut that out.

If you don't mind, Mr. Fields,

I'll read it myself.

I get a better feel, capture the mood

and the tempo better that way, you see.

It's in English, isn't it?

"A long shot of streamlined plane

with open-air, rear observation... "

"With open-air,

rear observation compartment.

"In the plane is the

handsome hero, Bill Fields

"and his little niece,

Gloria Jean,

"who are winging their way

toward the Russian village

"in the strange

and distant land of... "

Are you happy?

You bet I am, Uncle.

Must be a Shriners'

convention in town.

Or maybe

he's a cigarette salesman.

I beg your pardon.

That's quite all right.

It doesn't matter.

I hope he hasn't brought his

polo ponies on board with him.

They'll be pawing all night

and keep us awake.

Good night, Uncle.

Good night, dear.

Now don't you worry. I'll be right over

here in the upper berth next to you.

All right.

What's the matter,

did you sprain your ankle?

No, no, no, a dog bit me.

Yeah, I was playing croquet

and I dropped my mallet.

And a little dachshund

ran straight out

and grabbed me by the fetlock.

Rather fortunate it wasrt a

Newfoundland dog that bit you.

Yes, rather.

I suppose so.

I'm sleeping here somewhere,

but I don't quite know where.

Well, there's no other place to sleep

if you don't sleep in the plane here.

That's right.

No hotels around anywhere.

Here you are, Mr. Fields.

Well, thank you.

Where are you supposed to sleep,

in that little hammock up there?

Yes, sir.

Good night, Uncle Bill.

Good night, dear.

I'll be right

across the way, dear.

I'll be up here all alone,

except that fly. Get out of there.

Get the other leg, please.

Thanks.

I use both of them, usually.

There's some answers

in my cap again.

Time to get up, sir.

We're landing shortly.

Are you airsick?

No, dear.

Somebody put too many olives

in my martinis, last night.

Shall I get you a Bromo?

No, I couldn't

stand the noise.

Time to get up, little lady.

Get up, dear.

Okay.

We're landing

in a few minutes... Half hour.

Two or three... What time

did she say we were landing?

Maybe we're not going to land.

Go back to sleep again.

Chickens,

they lay eggs in Kansas

Chickens,

they lay eggs in Kansas

Chickens lay eggs

as big as nutmegs

The chickens

lay eggs in Kansas

Chickens have pretty legs

in Kansas

Chickens have pretty legs

in Kansas

That is really not a joke

One rolled me for my poke

Chickens have pretty legs

in Kansas

Yeah, those clouds look

just as fleecy as...

Clouds.

There's enough material there

for a Ringling Brother's big top.

Maybe a smuggler.

You a big nose have it.

Oh, that's a surprise to me.

I say, I should take that

as a personal insult.

Yeah, I should, too.

I you hate, too.

He hates you, too.

Here, here, I say. Half a

tick, old man, half a tick.

Steady on, old man,

steady on.

I have a big nose,

have I, eh?

You me

on the head hitted.

Say, boys, let me out of this

thing. I'm neutral. Go ahead.

Forgot my soap, forgot my

razor, I forgot everything.

Pardon me.

No wonder they call this

a giant airliner.

Do you travel as one person, or

did you get a party rate of 10?

Okay, don't answer.

Here. Oh, here you are.

Here.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

I didn't sleep well

last night.

You didn't?

I'm troubled with insomnia.

Oh, insomnia.

Well, I know a good cure for it. Yeah?

Get plenty of sleep.

Sleep, huh?

That's what

the doctor told me.

Toothbrush.

At least you're not on the plane

in the morning when I get off.

Excuse me.

Always brush them down

like that. Brush them down.

Never across like that.

No, no, no, no.

That's what it says in the

latest etiquette book. Yeah.

Oh, I got more cleaner.

I need more.

Must have just

gone through a cloud.

That's a hot one.

You were shaving me

and I'm shaving you.

Are you ready, dear?

Be ready in a jiffy.

A jiffy? Oh, okay.

Well, I'll meet you

on the back platform, dear.

All right.

Okay, dear.

Hello, there.

Oh, miss.

What inclement weather.

What are you drinking,

Uncle Bill?

Oh, just a little ginger ale,

dear. Pull up a chair there.

You know, Uncle Bill, I've been

thinking. Why didn't you ever marry?

I was in love with

a beautiful blonde once, dear.

She drove me to drink. That's the

one thing I'm indebted to her for.

Go and pack your little

portmanteau, will you, dear?

All right.

Uncle Bill!

Uncle Bill!

Oh, boy.

Why didn't I think of that

parachute? Well, there she goes.

What a bump.

And how fortunate...

How do you do?

Do you live here?

What are you?

I'm an American citizen.

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