Never Give a Sucker an Even Break Page #3

An American eagle?

No, it's the first time I've ever

been up in a plane in my life.

I'm just a man.

Man?

I never heard

that word before.

You didn't?

Are you really a man?

Well, I've been called

other things.

I've never seen one before

in all my life.

You never have, eh?

Mother brought me to the nest here

when I was only three months old.

Oh, she did, eh?

And you've never seen a man?

Do you ever play

the game of squidgilum?

No. The only game

I've ever played is bean bag.

Bean bag? Oh, it's very good.

Becomes very exciting at times.

I saw the championship played in

Paris. Many people were killed.

Pull up a chair.

Get a little closer here.

You're too far away.

Wait a minute.

Maybe I'm the one.

Now, you put your hands

on your head that way.

That's it. Now, close your

eyes and pucker your lips a bit.

Shall we play another rubber?

Why, Mother.

Romulus and Remus.

What are you doing here?

Mother, this is a man.

He fell out of an airplane and

brought a wonderful new game to us.

It's called squidgilum.

You pull two chairs together.

Place your hands on your head

in this fashion.

Then you close your eyes, and then

you both press your lips together.

I'll try it with him.

Mother knows best.

Close your eyes, Mother.

Men, men, they're all alike.

They'll deceive you

as your father did me.

He kissed a chorus girl and

when I found it out, he said,

"Oh, I was drunk and didn't

know what I was doing. "

Do you think he drinks?

He didn't get that nose

from playing Ping-Pong.

What a catastrophe.

Just a minute, Mr. Fields.

There is a limit to everything.

This script is an insult to a

mars intelligence, even mine.

You drop from a plane,

10,000 feet in the air,

and you land on a divan

without a scratch.

You play post office

with a beautiful blonde,

and then you throw yourself

over a cliff in a basket.

It's impossible,

inconceivable, incomprehensible.

And besides that,

it's no good.

And as for the continuity,

it's terrible.

And for my own information, off the

record, what's happened to Gloria Jean?

Where has she been

all this time?

Oh. Oh, I see. Here, she is.

"Poor little Gloria almost in

tears, waiting at the airport,

"not knowing which way to

turn, when suddenly... "

Telephone, honey.

Hello? Uncle Bill!

Where are you? What?

Yes. Yes, I'll be right over.

How do you get to

the Russian village?

I'll take care of it.

I fell out of an airplane

whilst trying to retrieve

a bottle of golden nectar

and landed on

the pinnacle of yonder rock,

where is domiciled a vision of

loveliness, if ever there was one,

and her mother, a buzzard,

if ever there was one.

If that girl is as beautiful as you

say, I'll scale the wall tomorrow.

I've heard about them.

They say the old buzzard's husband walked

out on her before the girl was born.

And the buzzard vowed that the daughter

would never see or hear the name "man"

as long as she lived.

They also say the old gal

has a bank roll so big,

a greyhound

couldn't leap over it.

Yeah?

Well, she seems

to have a kind heart, too.

Maybe you could induce her

to come down and talk turkey

to one that really loves her

and has her interest at heart.

She seemed like

an awfully nice woman to me,

now that

I come to think of it.

Hey, hey, hey.

Two goat milks.

Two what?

Mmm-hmm.

You will love it.

I'm not so sure about that.

Well, yes, yes, this is...

This is a great drink.

Havert you any red-eye?

It's good. Good.

Well, it hasn't killed you.

Of course not.

Uncle Bill!

Hello, dear.

Dear, I'm so glad

you arrived safely.

And this is my little niece,

Gloria Jean.

This is Mr., eh...

Roberts.

Mr. Roberts. And this

is Mr., uh... Carson.

Mr. Carson. Yeah.

What are you drinking,

Uncle Bill?

I'm drinking

goat's milk, dear.

What kind of goat's milk?

A nanny goat's milk.

It's very sweet.

Gargo.

Gargo!

Gargo.

Hello.

Hello.

Have you ever

played squidgilum?

No, I've never

heard of it.

Oh, well, we...

We place our hands

on our head thus.

Then we close our eyes.

And then

we press our lips together.

Go ahead.

Isn't it fun?

The man

that was up here yesterday

said this was a national game

where he came from.

You must be a professional.

Did the man who came up here

yesterday play this game with you?

Yes, he did. But when

mother wanted to play,

something frightened him

and he dived over the parapet.

Why, the old reprobate.

Let's play squidgy.

If a body meet a body

Comir through the rye

If a body kiss a body

Need a body cry?

Every lassie has her laddie

Nane, they say

Ha'e I

Yet

All the lads they smile on me

When comir through

The rye

When the body met the body

The body to the body said

Oh, body, you're somebody

You ought to get ahead

Every lassie has her laddie

But I'll be different I think

I'm gonna find a daddy

That dress me up in mink

Then we'll ride, ride, ride

A- comir through

the rye, rye, rye

A- comir through the rye

Yes, indeedy, daddy

We'll be comir on

Through the rye

Marvelous, wonderful, amazing.

The girl has been living on a mountain

top since she was three months old

and for no reason at all, suddenly

blossoms out with jumping jive.

Do you actually think I'm a

dope? Now, don't you answer that.

Let's get on with it anyway.

Squidge.

Are you sure you've lived here

since you were three months old?

Squidge.

Well, who is...

Who are you?

Mrs. Hemogloben.

Who?

Mrs. Hemogloben.

Give me another transfusion.

Hemo... Homoglo...

Oh, you're not the dame

that has all that...

I mean,

you're the beautiful lady

that has the house

on top of the hill.

Oh, all of my life, I've been

craving love of this kind.

Oh, love.

I don't think you can get

that cricket bat in here.

Yeah, sure.

What kind of a bird

is that, Uncle Bill?

Oh, it's a philliloo bird,

dear.

Flies backwards.

Flies backwards?

Yes, it lives

in the desert.

Flies backwards to keep

the sand out of its eyes.

I wonder where the contraption

is that starts this thing.

Did it hurt you, Uncle?

No, how could a rock dropping

from 1,000 feet hurt your head?

Here we go.

You can see all over

the country, can't you?

Oh, for a Maxwell parachute.

What's

a Maxwell parachute?

Good until the last drop,

dear. Here we go again.

Ready, children?

Now wait, folks.

My dear Mrs. Hemogloben,

a token of my love

and esteem.

What a voracious appetite

that little bird had. I... Oh.

Here they are.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Fly away.

He'll stay around.

May I?

Oh, please do.

Thank you.

Once when I...

Oh, dear. Are you hurt?

I can't tell yet.

Oh, my.

Drat!

Pardon me.

May I remove the basket?

Yes, please do.

Thank you.

Good gracious.

Yes.

Oh, my!

Oh, I'm so sorry.

It's quite all right,

quite all right.

Can you do

anything with it?

I think I can do

something with it.

I don't know what yet.

My Uncle Bill.

But I still love him.

My dear Mrs. Hemogloben,

when I first saw you I was so

enamored with your beauty...

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes