Never Give a Sucker an Even Break Page #4

Oh, Mr. Fields.

...I ran to the basket,

jumped in,

went down to the city and

bought myself a wedding outfit.

And now I'm here to lay

my heart at your feet.

You are so full of romance.

Every night, every night. What's

the matter with this thing?

Sit down on it again,

will you? So I can get up.

Let me help you.

Oh, dear, everything

seems to be going wrong.

Yes, it does.

Mother!

Mother, Mr. Carson and I are gonna

be married and right away, too.

Mr. Fields brought up the owner

of the cantina, Mr. Clines.

He's sheriff, magistrate

and mayor of the village.

He's going to

marry us immediately.

Why not make it a double-header?

It's Saturday afternoon,

and I haven't anything to do.

Mr. Fields,

this is so sudden.

I'm so happy.

And so am I.

Hello there!

My dream girl!

Leon!

My bon ami!

Have you seen our... My...

Her hanging swimming pool?

Hanging swimming...

No.

Say, dear, why don't I show

him the hanging swimming pool?

Hanging swimming pool? Where

is this hanging swimming...

Why, right here. Get up on there

and you can see it a little better.

It's gonna be better?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah!

Help! Help! Help!

Suffering sciatica.

The last time

it was pink elephants.

Oh, you're back.

Yeah.

The poor chap

just had a mishap.

Oh, that's too bad.

Slipped over the parapet.

Oh, my!

Shall we proceed

with the ceremony?

Just as you say.

Thank you, Mrs. Hemogloben.

May I call you Daisy?

Oh, I wish you would.

Uncle Bill.

Yes, dear?

May I see you a minute?

Certainly. Excuse me,

Mrs. Hemogloben.

Certainly.

What is it? Uncle Bill, I

don't want you to get married.

You listen to me, missy. Don't you

want to live in this beautiful nest?

Have a personal maid?

No.

Wear diaphanous gowns?

And eat regularly?

I just want to be with you.

You'll be with me.

But she'll be with us.

I never thought of that.

We're falling 2,000 feet!

It's all right, dear.

Don't start worrying

until we get down to 1,999!

It's the last foot

that's dangerous.

That's all! That's enough!

That's too much!

Airplanes with sun decks!

Russian villages in the sky!

Gorillas playing post office!

Cows, sheep, goat's milk!

I am going and when I get back

you'd better not be here.

I don't care

where you go, just go!

Go, go get a drink! Get two

drinks! Get a dozen drinks!

Give me a drink.

I'm dying.

What'll it be?

Jumbo ice-cream soda.

What flavor?

Oh, I don't care. Spinach,

horseradish, anything you got there.

I'll give you peach.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

I feel as though somebody stepped

on my tongue with muddy feet.

This scene was supposed to be in a

saloon, but the censor cut it out.

It'll play just as well.

Oh, come on! Where's my drink?

It's killers like you

that give the West a bad name.

Give me a couple of

ladyfingers, will you, please?

Thank you.

Ah, that's better.

So long, Tom. I'd rather

be in a saloon at that.

Don't you worry about it.

But Uncle Bill

said he's going away.

Fine, fine. I mean, now don't

worry about your Uncle Bill.

He's lived his life

and ruined mine.

Now it's you

we've got to think about.

You're young, you've got a

great career ahead of you.

You're gonna do big things.

Maybe Uncle Bill

can write you another story.

No, no, no, don't say that.

I never want to see him again.

He's a numbskull.

Do you know what Uncle would

do if he heard you say that?

No. What would your uncle do

if he heard me say that?

This.

And if Uncle Bill doesn't work

here anymore, I don't either.

But I don't want you to go

away without me, Uncle Bill.

But the enterprise on which

I'm about to embark on

is fraught with eminent peril,

much too dangerous for a young

lady of your tender years.

Another thing, I promised your

mother I'd look out for you.

But how can you

look out for me

when I'm here and

you're way down there?

You want to go to school,

don't you?

No.

You want to grow up

and be dumb like Zasu Pitts?

She only acts like that

in pictures. I like her.

Don't you want to be smart?

No.

I want to be like you.

Don't you think I'm smart?

Not very.

I don't like teachers, anyhow.

There's no sense in arguing

with a woman. You go with me...

Yippee!

Look out, dear!

Who do you think you're

backing into, you big lummox?

Hello, Officer. Here's $1.25.

Go in there and buy

yourself several outfits.

We're liable

to be down there a year.

Okay. Thanks, Uncle.

You're welcome, dear.

Hello, Officer.

Am I too near

the plug or something?

I can move out in a minute.

Move out in a minute...

Calling car number 202.

Calling car number 202.

Go immediately

to North National Bank.

Get necessary information

regarding two crooks

who have just held up

the bank for $150,000.

150,000, that is all.

"That is all"? $150,000,

that's all? It ain't hay, is it?

Car 202, bank robbery. North

National Bank has been held up.

One crook, slight build,

evidently a jockey,

has a horse scar

behind his left ear.

Must be some ear

to get a horse car behind it.

Keep quiet. Please.

Other crook has corn teeth,

cauliflower ear, apple-red

cheeks, muttonchop whiskers.

Sounds like a full-course

dinner to me. What, no apple pie?

Oh, shut up.

Now it's blue for a boy

and pink for a girl, isn't it?

Yes.

Well, I'll take

the pink one.

Is that the right time?

Yes, it's western postal time.

I have to get these down

to the baby hospital.

I'm leaving for Salt Lake

this afternoon. Here.

I'll see you

when I get back.

All right, Mrs. Wilson.

Yes, get me a taxi.

I've got to get to the

Maternity Hospital, right away.

If I can be

of any assistance...

Can you rush this lady

to the Maternity Hospital?

Yes, yes, get in the back.

And tell my niece

to meet me...

I'll take care of her, sir.

Slow down!

Take it easy, please!

I can't get her down

any further.

This is all I can get

out of this old crate.

Maternity Hospital.

Fourteenth and B Street.

Okay.

Where do you think

you're going, to a fire?

Maternity Hospital.

Okay, tomato-puss,

follow me.

Short cut to the hospital!

Darn those drunken painters!

Get out of the way!

Move! Out of the way!

Look out there! Look out!

What a splendid view

of Californian climate.

He said the fire

is back there!

Go back!

Tell him to make up his mind!

Stretcher!

Quiet.

Where am I?

Quiet, please. You'll

alarm the other patients.

What do I care about the other

patients? Where are my clothes?

Go away from me!

Just a minute. Just a minute.

Just a minute nothing. Give me

my clothes and let me out of here.

Wait a minute!

Uncle Bill, are you all right?

Lucky I didn't have an accident,

I'd have never gotten here.

My Uncle Bill, but I still love him.

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