Never So Few

Yeah, this is it.

This is it, men!

Get this stuff back to the bivouac.

All you guys, and you, stay away

from the booze. We'll ration it later.

Okay, Hiawatha, start toting.

Don't you call me Hiawatha.

As a matter of fact, Sergeant Rich Boy,

you just keep your mouth shut.

A.J., Uba, pick them up, come on.

- When do you expect the Nips?

- Full moon tonight.

They'll hit early. Figure we're

gonna have booze for supper.

Can't win. Miss the drop and the yellows

starve you, take it down the chimney...

- ... they spot you and attack.

- Clever, these Japanese.

Brilliant.

- Busted as usual, huh?

- Yes. The morphine's had it too.

Again no doctor, Dua?

Nope. Here's the doctor.

To the gods of drink.

The spirit of spirits.

- Dua Tom, you our doctor.

- You one very fine doctor.

I.F. Amplifier.

Probably the local oscillator.

There's not one of those

within 500 miles.

It's got the cranks again.

Stop making excuses for that damn thing

and make it work.

We'll give it the old college try.

Okay, Hiawatha, belch a little Navajo.

Hold it.

I told you, Sergeant Rich Boy,

don't you call me Hiawatha.

On your feet.

What's your problem, Danforth?

I don't like this lash-up.

You volunteered.

This is what you volunteered for.

These are the people you work with.

I didn't volunteer to take puke

from Sergeant Rich Boy here...

...because I'm Navajo.

And I'll tell you something else.

I didn't volunteer to take orders

from that Nautaung that you sent.

He's a gook.

And I take no orders from gooks.

You know, Danforth,

it's a very small world.

You and Nautaung are relatives.

Yeah, you're blood brothers.

I was once told that the Kachins are

the revered ancestors of the Navajo.

I find that fascinating.

Like one of those indoctrination lectures

about democracy and the big picture.

I'm not sure I can spell democracy...

...and I don't know what

the big picture looks like.

But I do know you got a big mouth.

If you open it again spouting

about gooks...

...you're gonna get none of this

to pour into it.

- Now, let's go to work.

- Yes, sir.

It's on the berserk again.

Mail, Dua.

- Thank you, buddy.

- Moon coming up.

Tonight we make fine ambush.

Always fine ambush.

Only, how long we go on like this?

Who knows?

We're the only active force in the hills.

Now it works.

- Hope the walkie-talkies are working.

- Here, Danny.

You chaps make a fine lot of decoys.

- Burn this up for me.

- I try, Danny.

Great way to play poker.

Come on, you sitting ducks, ante up.

From old man.

Column of Japanese are crossing river.

Taking the east trail

through the jungle.

They're right on.

Didn't I say they'd be right on?

- Drink, Dua Jim.

- Not tonight.

He says the hardware business

is good.

He bought two more stores cheap.

He thinks I should pray once in a while

because prayer never hurt anybody...

...and it don't cost a dime.

America very funny place.

Full of prayers and money.

Another column coming from the east.

Estimate over 200 men.

One smaller column crossing river.

Three.

Right on edge of perimeter. Get ready.

This is no way to fight a war.

Well, another evening of joy

unconfined.

Medic! Mike! Mike Island!

Sucked them in rather good, eh?

He got it in his stomach. It's hopeless.

He may last till morning, I don't know.

I wish to God we had that morphine.

Sorry, Dua.

You're a real soldier now, Bye Ya.

You've tasted the pain

of wound in combat.

- Get out.

- Tom.

Tom, you can't do it.

Would you rather he suffered

for another 12 or 15 hours?

You'd shoot a lousy horse

to end his misery. Now get out.

- A human is not an animal.

- Don't give me sermons.

- You're not the chaplain.

- You can't murder a man...

- ... without killing part of yourself.

- I've been killing all night.

- Now, get out.

- So have all of us.

- But that doesn't give you the right-

- Get out.

Why? Why'd you have to do that?

- Get back to your squawk box.

- Why didn't you let Nautaung do it?

Because it's my job, that's why.

You get back to your job.

Get hold of the colonel.

Tell him I'll meet his plane...

- ... at coordinates George six point three.

- Yes, sir.

Charlie Fox Dog calling Zebra four-two.

Over.

Zebra four-tWo, over.

George six point three.

Coded. Over.

Over.

They wanna know your purpose

for coming in.

My name's Ringa, sir.

Colonel Parkson's driver.

- Where's the colonel?

- Locked in a military mission.

He said he'd meet you at headquarters

at 0800 in the morning, sir.

What's he expect us to do till 0800 in

the morning? Play a fast game of jacks?

He suggested the captain use the time

to adjust himself to civilization.

You know, girls, booze. You got more

weapons here than a bank dick. Sir.

Yeah. We put no trust in slingshots.

Well, the jeep and I are both

at the captain's convenience.

Any questions, sir?

Yeah. You wouldn't happen to know

a Red Cross lady named Margaret Fitch?

- Fitch.

- Fitch.

Seems to me that the Empress Hotel

and a couple other creep joints...

...they're Red Cross country.

I'll find her.

- Thank you, corporal.

- Thank you, sir.

- This is a grand way to live.

- This is even a better way to die.

Well, thanks for the toboggan ride,

corporal.

- But you really belong in a PT boat.

- My pleasure.

I'm just kind of sorry we didn't have

a flat tire or something, sir.

- Ma'am.

- Good night.

Well, when do we eat?

Take it easy, this isn't hurrying-up time.

This is slowing-down time.

- Drink easy and long and consistently.

- Right-o.

We'll drink ourselves

into a tortured hunger.

Darling! Oh, darling!

Well, what's happened to you?

You've changed.

Yeah, but you haven't.

Like to bent me double.

Where have you been? Everybody acted

as if you're top-secret or something.

Margaret, this is Danny.

He speaks English like he hates it.

- Margaret Fitch.

- What pumpkin did you pop out of?

- The Empress Hotel.

- You see?

Just like good old Corporal

Thank-You-Sir Ringa stated.

Would you think me terribly jay if I were

to ask just what you're doing in the war?

I'd rather tell you what I do.

I'm working on military secrets.

I'm looking for a beautiful spy

to sell them to.

Do you number

a beautiful spy among your friends?

We'll find you a girl, Danny.

As a matter of fact, if it weren't for Tom

and this and that...

...you'd have me completely enslaved.

I think it's the monocle.

- I think it's very chic.

- Oh, it's smashing.

I have an injured eye, through which I

take a rather jaundiced view of the world.

- Don't ask him how he keeps it in.

- How do you keep it in?

Well, the problem is getting it out.

You see, it can't even be dislodged

by a severe blow. Shall we demonstrate?

- Let's not play that game.

- Come on, Thomas old man.

One blow for the edification

of the lady.

Remarkable, isn't it?

Hello, Fred.

I suppose there's no use pretending

I don't know you.

Miss Carla Vesari, Mr. Nikko Regas...

...this is Reynolds and DeMortimer.

- How do you do?

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