New In Town Page #2

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13 when I’m 10? That’s just like hiring a slightly bigger child. That would be like if you’re going out of town for the week and you paid a horse to watch your dog.

[audience laughter]

Like, [turns head as though looking up and a horse and holds out hand as though holding a piece of paper] “All right, here is the number where we’ll be, [maintains eye contact with imaginary horse and moves hand to gesture lower to the side] and here’s where we keep the dog food, [moves hand up to pet imaginary horse] and you’re a horse.” [audience laughs] [John continues to move arm in dramatic sweeping motion to show petting the body of a horse] [hushes horse] “Shh shh shh shh shh, shh shh shh, shh shh”

[turns towards audience and lowers arm] Why do people do that? People always shush animals. They’ll go, [mimes petting a large animal] [speaks in soft voice] “Hey, shh shh shh…” [turns sharply to face audience with a cheeky expression and bobbles head, speaking in a matter-of-fact high pitched voice] They’ve never spoken.

[as the audience laughs, John walks slowly to the side]

I always wanted to live in New York when I was a kid, I’m so excited that I get to live in New York. I saw New York City in a movie when I was a kid, it was called Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. It is a sequel, [audience starts clapping] Yeah, how about that movie? [audience laughs lightly]

It was a sequel to the movie Home Alone.

[starts speaking in a hushed tone] I remember in that movie — oh, the kid in Home Alone 2. He gets into a stretch limousine on 5th avenue with a large cheese pizza and I thought, [turns head upwards and outstretches arm and yells] “THIS IS THE HEIGHT OF LUXURY!!”

[light audience laughter]

Now I live in New York and I’m psyched, [turns head to the side with dubious expression] but that is a stupid movie title. [turns head sharply] Lost in New York? The streets are numbered. How’d you get lost in New York?

[turns head with condescending expression and tone of voice] I know it’s kind of stupid to complain about a movie that came out 17 years ago, but I wasn’t a comedian back then. So I have to do it now. I wish I’d been. I wish I’d been a Def Jam comic when that movie came out. [aggressively] I would have torn it to pieces! Be like, [imitates a “ghetto” manner of speaking and voice with increased volume and paces back and forth quickly] “You seen this sh*t? You seen this Home Alone 2: Lost in New York sh*t? It’s a grid system, motherf***er! [audience laughs] [John raises his eyebrows and whips his head to the side and begins speaking more rapidly] Where you at? 24th and 5th? Where you wanna go? 35th and 6th? 11 up and 1 over, you simple b*tch!!”

[audience laughs and applauds]

[John returns to his normal voice and demeanor and raises an arm in a sweeping motion]

That’d be my big joke. That’d be the closer. If I was a Def Jam comic when that movie came out. [weakly holds up a finger] But alas, I was not.

[turns head after every comma] I think the bullying that young people have to go through now is really rough, I really sympathize, ‘cause I was bullied when I was a kid. When I was in grade school, I was bullied for being Asian-American. Aaaand, the biggest problem with that… is that I am not Asian-American. [presses lips together tightly]

[light audience laughter]

But when I was younger, [turns head quickly and says while laughing] and this is absolutely true, people thought that I might be Asian-American. [turns head with serious expression and holds his hand at eye level] I have pretty thin eyes, I had very thin eyes when I was a little kid [sweeps hand down from top of head to eyebrow then moves it straight horizontally] and I had straight black hair that I wore in a bowl cut. And from the ages of 3 to 8, people thought that I might be a young Chinese person.

On the first day that he met me, the guy that is now my best friend — he met me the first day of kindergarten — he went home that night and said, “Papa, today I met a boy with no eyes.” [audience laughs] [John smirks and sways his head with swagger] And that was me.

Kids would make fun of me in middle school. Kids would call me a “china man”, which of the racial slurs has got to be the laziest. [audience laughs] That is just pushing two words together, [dramatically shakes head with eyes closed] no work was done there.

[speaks in an incredulous tone] It was very confusing to me because I’m not Chinese, no one in my family is remotely Asian. I mean, we take our shoes off when we come inside, but that was more of a carpeting thing that anything else. [light audience laughter]

Here’s how bad it got, though… I remember when I was in junior high, we had this music appreciation class that we never appreciated. And they took us to hear some classical music once at a symphony orchestra. So we go to a symphony orchestra. In one of these classical pieces, there is a moment where they [pantomimes hitting something with his arm] bang a gong, and every time they banged the gong, all the kids sitting in front of me would stand up, turn to me, [places hands together and bows deeply] and bow like that. [audience laughs] Which is some racist-ass bullshit, but also [turns head with impressed expression] incredibly well coordinated for a group of 13-year-olds.

13-year-olds are the meanest people in the world. They terrify me to this day. If I’m on the street on like a Friday at 3 PM [moves hand with emphasis on each word] and I see a group of 8th graders on one side of the street [points to the side and then dramatically moves point towards the audience] I will cross to the other side of the street. [moves pointing finger with emphasis on each word] Because 8th graders will make fun of you, [changes point into an “okay” with his hand and continues to move it for emphasis] but in an accurate way.

[speaks with a spiteful tone and expression] They will get to the thing that you don’t like about you. They don’t even need to look at you for long, they’ll just be like, [uses high obnoxious voice and shuts eyes while doing a goofy dance] “Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! [sharply turns to side and points with alert and mocking expression] Hey, look at that high-waisted man! He got feminine hips!”

And I’m like, [John moves to side where he was pointing and screams in a high but gravelly voice while shutting eyes tightly and moving fist and upper body down in unison for emphasis] “No!! That’s the thing I’m sensitive about!!!!” [audience laughs] [John straightens up and turns to the side and pouts]

[John returns to regular demeanor and expression and paces the stage in silence for a moment, smiling at the audience occasionally]

When I was a boy, I was also confused with a woman sometimes over the phone, because before I went through puberty, I had a voice like a [stands up on tip toes and makes voice slightly higher] little flute! [audience laughs]

I was once on the telephone with Blockbuster Video, which is a very old-fashioned sentence. And — [audience laughs] It is! I was on the telephone with Blockbuster Video… that’s like when your gram would be like [narrows eyes and covers upper teeth with his lip while bending over slightly, yelling in a high obnoxious voice] “We’d all go play jacks down at the soda fountain!” [turns to the other side] and you’re like, [holds hand out in exasperation and narrows eyes while bending over slightly while yelling in a rude manner and shaking head slightly while speaking] “No one knows what you’re talking about, you IDIOT.”

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