New In Town Page #3

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[John straightens up and audience laughs]

[looks an audience member in the eye] You know how you talk to your grandma? [turns and holds up hand at about shoulder height] So… [John freezes his pose for a moment while waiting for audience to finish laughing] [lowers hand to side and turns slowly] I was on the phone with Blockbuster, and I’d called them a couple of times in one day to ask about a movie, and I called for a third time. I said, [holds up hand to ear to pantomime holding a telephone and speaks in a very high nervous voice] “Hey, yeah, I-I was just calling to see if you had Addams Family Values yet,” [returns to normal demeanor] and the guy at Blockbuster went, [holds up other hand to pantomime a telephone and speaks in a very low aggressive gravelly voice while shaking head and hand for emphasis] “Hey lady! I’ll tell you when we get Addams Family Values!!”

[returns to normal demeanor] But look, I wasn’t offended as a boy being confused with a lady, I was offended as a lady who was getting pushed around by this chauvinist a**hole that works at [mockingly] Blockbuster video, talking to me like I’m some floozy… [with confidence] I am a proud Asian-American woman [audience laughs] and you will treat me with respect! [audience applause] I am a tiger mom!

[turns towards audience with dramatically serious expression and tone of voice] Now when people make fun of me, I deserve it. Uhh, I do. [nods] When people get mad at me now, it’s my fault, when people get mad at me on the highway that’s all my bad, I’m a terrible driver, I know nothing about cars. [regretful] I meant to learn about cars, and then I forgot. [audience laughs lightly]

Nothing that I know can help you with your car ever. Unless you’re like, uh, [turns head side to side as though looking for someone while pointing behind him with his thumb] “Hey I’ve got a flat tire, does anyone here know a lot about The Cosby Show?” and then I could be like [hunches over slightly and walks with swagger with a comically “mature expression” and low voice] “Oh, perhaps I could be of some assistance.”

I’m one of the worst drivers I’ve ever seen, and I just want you all to know that if you’re ever on the highway behind me, uh, [colloquial yet condescending tone] I hear you honking and I also don’t want me to be doing what I’m doing. [audience laughs] I don’t like that I’m in that lane either, and I sure would like to get out of it! [audience laughs]

I was on the highway in Texas recently which was like a highway filled with 13-year-olds. [uses hand to represent his car and slides it to his left] And I was in the far left lane and then it turned into a U-turn only lane and I started to make a U-turn [turns hand inwards] [begins speaking rapidly and with urgency while shaking head] but then I panicked because I didn’t wanna make a U-turn! So I put the car in reverse [pulls hand back to where it previously was] and then merged right back onto the highway [turns hand to his right and pushes it forward] [returns hand to microphone]

The best thing about that was that after that, cars were pulling up and [turns head to side while pantomiming steering a car] looking over to see who just did that piece of sh*t move, [audience laughs] expecting to see like [straightens up and speaks with emphasis] a 100-year-old blind dog who’s texting while driving and drinking a smoothie, instead they see a 28-year-old healthy man trying his best. [audience laughs and claps lightly]

It’s wrong to make fun of people, you know, but it’s so fun sometimes. [voice becomes increasingly low and hushed as sentence goes on] I’ve written for some TV shows, and, you know, on a major TV show you have to be careful about what you say about people ‘cause a lot of people get offended, or so it has been explained to me.

I was once — I’ll tell you this, I was writing for an awards show once, and I got into some trouble. I wrote a joke for this awards show that had the word “midget” in it. And someone from the network came down to our offices and he said to me, “Hey, you can’t put the word midget on TV,” and I said [turns head and gestures to himself with his hand] “I sure would like to!” And he said, [turns to the other side and points finger and speaks more aggressively] “No! ‘Midget’ is as bad as the ‘n’-word.”

[turns head towards audience] First off, no. [audience laughs and John chuckles] No, it’s not! “Do you know how I know it’s not,” I said to him, “is because [gestures back and forth to himself and the imaginary other person] we’re saying the word ‘midget’, and we’re not even saying what the ‘n’-word is! If you’re comparing the badness of two words, and you won’t even say one of them… [nods head with energy] that’s the worse word.” [audience laughs]

[accusatory and incredulous tone] Also, I don’t mean to gloss over what, like, little people have been through in this country, but you cannot compare the plight of midgets to African-Americans. That is outrageous! Midgets were never enslaved, [widens eyes and uses a dramatic tone] unless you count the Wonka factory! [audience laughs]

So we get into this argument, we’re going back and forth, he goes [points and speaks sternly] “You can’t put that word on TV,” [turns to face other side and points while whining] and I said, “I want to,” and he said [outstretches pointing arm and moves it for emphasis] “If you put that word on TV, there could be a protest of midgets on this building!” [turns dramatically and leans over] and I said, “Promise?” [audience laughs] How tempting would that be?

I don’t mean to complain about censorship at all though, because as you probably have seen by now, you can basically say whatever you want on television. It’s ridiculous. You can say anything you want! And if you don’t believe me, you should watch a little program called Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. [audience applause] Yeah. A show that I LOVE, because on that show you can say the grossest things you’ve ever heard in your life. No, you can’t say like the “f”-word, you can’t say that on Special Victims Unit, but people walk around on SVU going like, [walks to one end of the stage and quickly turns on his heel and walks with purpose while looking at the audience and imitating Ice-T] “Looks like the victim had anal contusions. [audience laughs] [points over his shoulder with this thumb] Yo, looks like we found semen and fecal matter in the victim’s ear canal.” [audience laughs]

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