New York City Serenade Page #2

I've bailed his ass out of hot water

more than once.

Where is that little rascal?

I've been looking all over for him.

- Where do you know him from?

- From Paris.

- You ever hear of it?

- You are so full of sh*t.

(both giggle)

Here's the deal:
Who wants to party?

Raise your hands.

(girl giggling)

Mmm! Mmm, ahh!

Sir, I'm fairly certain

you weren't invited here.

Listen, little buddy, I already told you

once to stop bothering me, didn't I?

Now go and get yourself

a soda.

You're sure this is the place?

This is the address

Ray gave me.

Oh.

Seeing some fine

college-age ladies up in here.

- Word.

- Need to adjust our approach

- to suit the crowd. And hello.

- Word up.

What say we go get our drink on

and let the games begin?

I'm totally down with that.

Oh, hello.

What are you doing?

He's totally going

through everything.

Hey, you'd better not go in there.

- Vintage cherry.

- (girls giggling)

Ladies, come on.

You know Bertrand and I

go way back.

He's so funny.

Oh my God.

What exactly

are you looking for?

Jackpot.

(both moaning)

Wait.

I...

I should find my friends.

I'm what you call

a Rhodes scholar:

Philosophy major,

all-American lacrosse player.

As a matter of fact, I played

on the Olympic lacrosse team.

There is no Olympic

lacrosse team.

Which made things

very lonely for him.

L... I mean, that was...

really nice.

But I should really go

back with my friends 'cause...

(girl moaning)

Go go go.

Chugalug if you're gonna do it.

Okay, that's enough there,

sweetheart.

Goodness gracious.

- Ah, Lauren.

- 'Kay, sorry. Sorry.

Okay okay. Okay.

I dare you...

(laughs)

- Lauren?

- Spit it out, sweet pea.

I dare you to...

what's your name again?

My name's Ray.

All my homeys call me Boots.

I dare you to make out

with Mr. Boots.

Oh!

You dirty thing.

Okay, all right.

I'm sorry, darlin'.

I don't make the rules.

I just play by 'em.

Bring it.

- Okay, here's what I propose...

- Hit 'em with it, brother.

- I got six, seven bucks in my pocket.

- I got a sawbuck in mine.

Okay, that's about

I propose we isolate ourselves off

to an intimate little spot

- just north of here a spell.

- I know the spot well...

quaint, quiet atmosphere.

You guys are gonna love it.

- And spend it all on sea breezes.

- 11 bucks worth.

- And here's where it get good.

- Tell 'em.

We hit an ATM machine. One or both

of you two gals plug in your pin code.

Get some more dinero, get back

there before our stools get cold.

And by stools of course

we mean bar stools.

You're both really weird.

Look at you blush.

You must really like us.

No.

I bet we could say anything

and you'd blush.

- No, don't.

- Banana bread.

You guys are

really crazy or something.

Oh, look.

- Red as an apple.

- Apostrophe.

- Table top.

- Should we...

Yeah, let's go find David

and those guys.

Let's go find David

and those guys.

But then let's get rid

of David and those guys

because those

guys are really annoying.

And gay.

Probably gay.

- Should we come?

- Should we come with or...

No rap there.

Oh!

My God!

Come on! Ooh!

Who's the big daddy?

Come on! Whoo!

Show me the side, man!

Come on, boy! Come on!

Take it off!

Whoo!

Yeah, I like it like that.

Yeah.

Oh, come on, Big Daddy.

Come on! Oh!

Faster!

Come on, take it off!

- Ohh!

- Ahhh!

- Whoo!

- Oh yeah!

Do that dance!

Yeah! Aww!

Ohh!

Who's upstairs?

Nobody's supposed to

be up there.

My little sister.

F***ing watch it, man.

A**holes.

Oh, what a dick, man!

Why don't you come over here?

I'm much more fun than that lamp.

(music stops)

- Girl:
Oh!

- Girl #2:
Oh, what's that?

Turn the light back on!

That is my little sister.

Hey, guys.

- Holy cow.

- Bertrand.

Shut up and get downstairs.

We weren't even

doing anything.

Get downstairs.

Get downstairs, you two.

Unbelievable. They were just

showing me around, you know, guys?

'Cause I just got back from Iraq.

I gotta tell you,

it's f***ing brutal over there.

Kick him in the balls, Bertrand.

- Whoo.

- You crashed the wrong party, dude.

Nobody's crashing any party, Daddy.

Come on.

Your ass is grass, boy.

Hey, Owen?

Owen?

(hip-hop music playing)

Hey, Owen?

Ray?

- Your ass is grass.

- Yeah, I know.

- I heard you the first time.

- You're about to get a beatdown.

You're gonna want to

relax there, husky.

Believe me, I understand

your being sore, okay?

I'm the last guy you want in a room

alone with your sister.

But hey, no harm, no foul.

Right, pal?

Let me just get my friends

and get out of here.

- I'm gonna f*** you up.

- Okay.

Okay, but one at a time here, boys.

I ain't Superman.

Ahhhhh!

Bertrand:
I see you with my sister

again, I'm gonna kick your ass!

Good friends of yours, huh?

I may have exaggerated

just a bit.

- (screaming continues)

- (Ray laughs)

(TV on low volume)

(answering machine beeps)

Male voice:

You have two new messages.

(beeps)

Lynne:

Hey, it's me. Are you there?

Uh, it's about, I don't know,

like, 3:
30.

I couldn't sleep so...

Are you still out?

You're probably asleep.

Okay, well, I just wanted

to say good night.

I love you, Owen.

- Bye.

- (machine beeps)

Male voice:

Two new messages.

- 9:
06 PM.

- (beeps)

Ray, it's Mary.

I got your message.

You know, you only disappoint your

daughter when you cancel plans.

What am I supposed to do, huh?

What do you expect me to do?

- I had a friggin' gig.

- What do you expect me

to tell your four-year-old?

"Daddy can't take you to the park

because he's hung over?"

I'm sick and tired of it, Ray...

- (beeps)

- Male voice:
2:28 AM.

- (beeps)

- Hey buddy, it's Matt.

Uh, it's pretty late.

It's, I don't know, late.

Listen:

My father died today

and l... I need you guys

to come out to Jersey tomorrow

to help me out.

My father was Orthodox

and they have this thing

where they have to be buried

within 24 hours

and I need six people to,

you know, carry the box...

Matt:
Minions. That's what

they call them... minions.

Whatever. I can get two guys

but I need four more guys.

So could you call me?

Bye.

- (beeps)

- (sighs)

- Sh*t.

- (phone rings)

- Hello?

- Owen:
Hey.

Hey.

- You get a message from Matt?

- Yeah, wow.

I know.

Anyway...

I guess we gotta go

out to Jersey tomorrow.

Yeah, I'll get Devon's car.

Why don't you call Russ and Terry?

How the hell am I supposed

to get out of work?

That's a good question.

I'll see you in the morning.

Yeah.

Hello, my name is Lois.

I'm calling today to tell you

about a spectacular new offer.

Could I please speak to

the lady of the house?

Very good. Well, I'm calling

today to offer you a chance

to experience the luxury of

Dr. Fedder's Miracle Cream.

Hello?

Sh*t-faced f***-ass b*tch.

- Boss lady ask where I was?

- Of course she did.

What you think?

Now you better get in there

and talk to her

before she fires your ass.

I've got your coupons for you.

Thanks, darlin'.

Is this from last Sunday's paper?

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