Newlyweeds

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1

I was having the weirdest dream.

For some reason,

Busta Rhymes was holding me

hostage at gunpoint.

And it was making me late

for our wedding rehearsal

in Queens.

We're getting married?

In the dream.

So, somehow, I managed to escape

and make it back

to my parents' house.

But then I realized

I didn't know

which shoes to wear.

So, I just grabbed a bunch.

And then I was running through

Prospect Park to get to Queens.

Prospect Park's in Brooklyn.

I know. But it's a dream.

You know, like,

it's dream logic or something.

I don't dream.

Shut up.

That's why I burn.

No, that's why you

don't remember your dreams.

So, you were running

through Prospect Park...

I was running.

And, uhh, and...

I don't speak Spanish. No

Spanish.

Look, can I have some

"D" batteries, please?

Can I have a bag?

Yo, let me get a couple coffees,

man, four sugar.

I'll be back.

Thank you.

Grilled chicken sandwich.

Thanks.

Lyle, you got to slam

the f***ing door?

See what we got here.

Stereo and a couch.

Dude, this f***ing eczema's

killing me.

Yo.

You think you might roll

the window down?

Give me a second.

Maybe before you

f***ing light it.

Can't do that and light it.

We're good. We're good.

We're good.

You put your f***ing

jerk-off pants on today.

Always wear my jerk-off pants.

Come on,

I got a f***ing piss test.

Can you roll it down

a little more?

Yo, you see this motherf***er?

Oh, sh*t.

Remember doing sh*t like that

when you were a kid?

What?

Stealing 40s and sh*t.

Oh yeah, you don't drink.

You're, like, Muslim or

something, right?

I forget. What are you, like,

Five Percenter? Godbody?

G-O-D?

I remember. You're a homo.

That's what.

Yeah, but at least my liver

don't look like

a f***ing Dalmatian,

you nasty f***.

F***ing Billy Blanks over here.

Your lungs got to be blacker

than your grandmother.

Except this is medicine,

dumbass.

Oh, you're a f***ing doctor?

I am today.

You're a homo

Five Percenter doctor.

I know your liver's like

a f***ing brick.

Don't take a doctor

to know that.

Yeah?

What are we looking for?

A stereo... stereo, couch.

You forgot the clipboard.

Stereo and a couch.

Yeah, you forgot the clipboard.

Let's go.

Mister?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

How you doing, sir?

My name is... My name is Lyle.

I'm from Rent To Own.

This is my partner.

Look, we just came to see

about a stereo.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

My cat! My cat!

Let him get his cat.

Yo, let's check this.

Oh yeah.

F***ing stinks in here.

Hey, hey, slow down. Slow down.

Slow down. Slow down.

You're upsetting your cat.

You're upsetting your cat.

Sir, please.

Lyle?

This f***ing--

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

What are you doing?

Every f***ing Puerto Rican

motherf***er got one of these.

This for coconut?

to get f***ing coconuts,

not to judge or nothing.

Let's get the couch

and get the f*** out of here.

Sir?

No, no, no, no.

You got a receipt?

Where? Show me a receipt.

Yeah, where? By the machete?

F*** you.

You ain't going by that closet.

You no pay, you no keep couch.

S, pay.

No, you no pay.

Nah.

Every month, on time,

that's why we here.

We got to take this couch.

No, no, please, sir.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Be nice. It's a nice cat.

Oh, you love this cat?

Sir, come on, off the couch,

off the couch.

Okay? Okay?

I wasn't gonna do nothing

to his cat.

Let's just get

the f*** outta here.

Yo, what's next?

Yo, what the f*** are you doing?

That don't make no sense.

It says 175 Herkimer,

but that's all the way...

What?

Oh, f***. This is Park Ave.

We supposed to go to Park Place.

This is Park Ave. Yo, we took

the wrong guy's couch.

Where you going?

Nah, no f***ing way.

I can't, my eczema.

Yo, you serious?

Yeah, bro. I f***ing got

cat hair in my mouth.

Yo, that guy could barely walk.

Yo, it's not my problem.

Let's just circle the block.

It'll take, like, half an hour.

Nah. No f***ing way, dude.

We're not getting paid

to move two couches.

We're getting paid to move one.

And it's back there, so...

Nah, nah, nah, nah. We can't do

this. This ain't right, yo.

Well, it's happening, man.

I hate to break it to you.

Yeah.

If you want,

you can hop out right now--

I'm not getting out.

We gon' turn

the motherf***er round

and go back

and take the couch back.

What, are you going to

tell Manny on me?

What are you going to tell her?

You got so high

you f***ed up the address?

We had to spend the entire

afternoon playing Tetris

with some bodega drunk's

couch?

F*** you, man.

Yeah, f*** you.

Learn how to read, a**hole.

F*** you.

F*** me. F*** me.

You did f*** me, you a**hole,

except I don't give a f***

about the couch.

No. We f***ing him.

What?

This is crazy.

Yeah, it is f***ing crazy.

Maybe next time, you won't

get so high before work.

Blame all your f***ing

problems on the smoking,

you f***ing alky.

Yeah? I'm a f***ing drinking

and driving right now, a**hole?

Drunk your compassion right out

your a**hole, you idiot.

I don't even know

what that means, bro.

You need to stop

smoking that sh*t.

You don't make

any kind of f***ing sense.

You don't have

no f***ing compassion.

four more f***ing days anyway.

Who gives a sh*t?

That's f***ed up, man.

Yeah, I know.

Nina?

Nina?

Hey.

Yo, get out of here.

I'm serious.

You found this?

It was archaeology camp.

You go looking for fossils,

you're going to find fossils,

you know?

Yo!

What is this?

That is a Balinese death mask.

"Death mask"?

Yeah, it's crazy, right?

This is crazy. Look at... Yo.

Where did you get it?

Bali.

God, I miss travelling.

Whoa.

How do I look?

You look like death.

Check this out.

Oh.

Cool, right?

Yeah, cool.

Now you look like

the queen of death.

Voodoo priestess.

When you come back

from a long trip,

you feel like...

smarter,

like, more grown,

not, like, older,

but, like, more mature.

The time difference alone

changes our

whole body's chemistry.

And we all use, like, what,

like, 12% of our brain, right?

So, who's to say,

when we're in India,

we're not activating

the Indian part here?

Breathing in Indian air,

you're drinking like an Indian.

You're Indian. But you're you.

You know what I mean?

That's some Wu-Tang sh*t.

Got it dripping

like it's marble cake.

If you could live

anywhere in the world--

The Galapagos.

"The Galapagos"?

Mm-hmm, heard it in a song once.

Galapagos.

So, when we leaving?

Have to save up first.

You got to get a job.

That's easy,

now that I have a reason.

Mm-hmm.

I just hung up

the phone with you.

Hold your horses, dog.

I'll be there in hot one.

Man, dudes think I'm

the pizza guy or something.

You that dude.

What's up, my "G"?

Yo. You are who you know.

Yeah?

Hey, you know what?

What's that?

Let me get a extra half of that.

Like that?

Yo, Nina yo,

she smoke like a dude, dog.

All right, here you go.

Hold it down. How she doing?

She good, man. She working.

Okay, that's what's up.

Yeah.

All right, so now that

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