Next Stop, Greenwich Village

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####[Woman Singing

In Foreign Language]

- Put a rope around the big suitcase.

- It's okay, Mom.

Ben, get a rope,

put it around the suitcase.

"It's okay, Mom."

[Chuckles]

It'll break open

in the middle of the street.

"It's okay, Mom."

You packed everything?

- Just about.

- What'd you leave?

I left some pictures and some books,

and I'll pick them up when I come back.

You're coming back?

I thought this was, uh, for good, huh?

I don't wanna argue, Mom.

Let me help you, Pop.

- Did you hear...

- I can do it. I can do it.

Do you hear?

Mr. Greenwich Village...

is gonna honor us

with his, uh, presence.

He... He's gonna come back.

[Chuckles]

When? When are you

gonna come back?

- When? When?

- I'm not arguing with you, Mom.

All right.

Okay.

[Sighs]

Don't argue.

[Sobbing]

- Thanks. I'm gonna be going now.

- Wait.

Thanks, Pop.

See you later.

- Good-bye.

- So long, Ma.

[Wails]

Mom, you said

you wouldn't do it.

- [Sobbing Continues]

- Mom, what you are doing is called hysteria.

You're trying to make me

feel guilty about going.

Mom, I am going.

I have to go.

I have to live my own life.

I am 22 years old!

- Mom, you're gonna give yourself a heart attack!

- [Pounding Table]

Jesus Christ,

will you stop it?

Nothing you do

is gonna stop me from going.

You are not going

to make me feel guilty!

[Muttering]

[Boy] Come on. Let's go. Come on.

Let's go. Come on. Let's go.

Come on.!

Give me the ball.!

- Larry! Larry!

- Hi, Mrs. Tupperman.

- Where are you going with all that luggage?

- Greenwich Village.

- You're moving?

- Yeah.

- What's in Greenwich Village?

- Fame and fortune.

I'll see you later,

Mrs. Tupperman.

Be careful, Larry.

[People Chattering]

I got it!

Come on!

- [Bell Ringing]

- [Man Shouting]

Kaiser rolls!

Kaiser rolls!

Oh, boy, am I guilty.

- Maybe I should get a diaphragm.

- That would be nice.

- For you.

- Maybe I should get a diaphragm.

I wonder if my mother's

fits me.

You've talked to your mother

about things like that?

No. She doesn't even know

I know she has a diaphragm.

- How do you know?

- I looked in her drawer one night.

- You love me?

- I told you I might get a diaphragm.

- Where will you get it?

- I'll go to a doctor.

- What doctor?

- I'll find a doctor. It's easy.

- Where will you keep it?

- In a drawer.

Doesn't your mother

go through your stuff?

I'll bury it in the backyard.

What is this?

You're a very funny lady.

We should do a comedy act together.

We just did

a comedy act together.

Oh. I was just funny, huh?

I wasn't good?

I wasn't great?

- Was I funny, or was I great?

- Stop it, Larry.

Was I funny,

or was I great?

You were fine.

I love that.

"You were fine."

Larry Lapinsky,

my dear, is not fine.

Larry Lapinsky

is King Kong.

- [Grunting]

- [Laughs]

Larry Lapinsky is either

a sexual brute or a tender poet.

Fine he is not.

You were fine.

Call your mother and tell her you're

staying overnight with a girlfriend.

I don't have a girlfriend.

What are we gonna do?

- When? What do you mean?

- With our lives.

Well, I don't know about you,

but I'm gonna get a diaphragm.

I think about suicide

once or twice a day.

- That's normal.

- I really do.

- So.

- Do you?

- Not lately.

- Why do I do it?

Suicide makes you feel talented.

You feel like

a Dostoyevskian hero.

Did you hear the one

about Dostoyevsky and Tolstoy?

[Russian Accent] Dostoyevsky meets Tolstoy

in the streets of Moscow.

They both have to take a pee,

so they take a pee right in the street.

So Dostoyevsky

says to Tolstoy, "Why"...

"Why are you peeing

on my pants leg?" I heard it.

- Come on, Larry. Get dressed.

- Do you want a beer?

- No, I gotta go home.

- Oh, come on. One beer.

[Russian Accent]

Come, Patruska, we shall dance.

We shall dance in the snow.

Mmm.

- [Growling]

- [Chuckles]

You're crazy.

No. Look, come on, Larry.

I gotta wash my hair, and I got

a lot of things to do. Come on.

A glass of beer

will do you good.

Would you please

put your pants on?

Hi. Buenas noches, seor. Seorita.

How are you? Good.

- Who is that?

- It's Nick Kessler.

He's a crazy guy. He saved up

all his money to go to Mexico.

Wanted to see the ruins.

You know, get into the primitive thing.

So he quit his job and everything, and

he took off for Mexico City on Monday.

- Two beers, Ray.

- Yesterday Monday?

Right. So he got off the plane,

and he ate a taco...

and he got a terrible case

of the shits...

so he took

the next plane back.

He spent two and a half hours

in Mexico.

He says it stinks.

I wonder if they

sell diaphragms in Mexico.

They sell crosses in Mexico.

- Hey-hey, Barney!

- How's the actor?

How you doing, Barney?

This is Sarah, my girlfriend.

- Didn't I meet you at the New School?

- I don't think so.

- Did you ever take a course

in modern art with Ben Probst?

- No.

- That's cool.

You know anybody needs an abortion?

- Not lately.

I know someone clean and dependable.

A lot of butchers running around.

I'll be sure to let you know

when I get knocked up.

Hey, no offense.

I just get a cut if I steer business.

- I'll see you later, Barney.

- Oh.

- Excuse me.

- You'd make a great model.

Let me know if you wanna

come sit for me.

You ever done any modeling?

My name's Barney.

- No.

- You remind me of a Rubens.

- Can he paint?

- I doubt it.

Oh, I want you

to meet Bernstein.

- Bernstein?

- Yeah, his first name is Bernstein.

His real name

is Bernstein Chandler.

His mother's a cleaning lady.

She worked 30 years

for a Jewish family named Bernstein.

She named him after them.

- Hi.

- Hello, Larry, darling.

- And you must be Sarah.

- How did you know?

My dear,

I am a friend of Connie's...

and you are

a ravishing Semitic beauty.

So are you, kiddo.

Larry, Sarah,

I'd like you to meet Sven.

- How do you do?

- [Foreign Language]

- I beg your pardon?

- [Laughs] He's Norwegian.

Doesn't speak

a word of English.

Isn't he beautiful?

I met him on the subway this morning,

and I think I'm in love...

but I don't know

how to tell him.

Does anyone know how

to say "I love you'"in Norwegian?

Get a poem

for a loved one.

- They're only 25 cents.

- I'm broke, Jake.

- They're only 25 cents.

- All right. Wait a second.

"In the winter,

I'm a Buddhist.

In the summer, I'm a nudist."

They're only 25 cents.

Anybody else want one?

- Marvelous.

- Ah.

- Beautiful. Beautiful.

- Thank you.

- Thank you, Jake.

- Read it to your loved ones.

- Here you go, loved one.

- [Norwegian]

What do you wanna be

when you grow up?

- I forget.

- I wanna be a star.

I wanna go to Mexico.

I never wanted to be a cop

or a fireman or a pilot.

For a brief time there,

I wanted to be a war hero.

But I always wanted to be a star.

I used to lay in the bathtub

dreaming of me as...

Robin Hood or Louis Pasteur.

[Laughs]

I'm bored. There's nothing happening

in New York.

- What, are you depressed?

- Eh...

I wish I was.

Nah, l... I just feel weird.

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