Nick Kroll: Thank You Very Cool

---

- THANK YOU. VERY COOL.

- HA HA!

KOO KOO RIKOO! KOO KOO RIKOO!

- I AM AN ARTIST, OKAY?

- HELLOOO.

- I REALLY AM SO EXCITED

TO BE HERE TONIGHT.

- WE GOT TWO MINUTES

TILL SHOW, OKAY?

TWO MINUTES.

- HEY, WHOSE CAT IS THIS?

- MINE. HE WAS LONELY,

SO I BROUGHT HIM.

- OKAY, WELL,

I'M ALLERGIC TO CATS.

- YOU'RE SUPER LOW

ON CRU D'ETE.

IS THERE SOMEONE

WE COULD TALK TO?

- I KNOW. I'M JUST TRYING

TO GET THE SET READY FOR...

- I'M HUNGRY.

- OKAY, I'LL GET IT.

OH, I THINK THEY NEED

MORE CRU D'ETE

IN THE GREEN ROOM.

THANKS, MAN.

- CRU D'ETE?

EXCUSE ME!

I AM AN ARTIST, OKAY?

LOOK AT WHA I HAVE CREATED.

WHO TOOK THE STRING CHEESE

OUT OF THE BOWL, OKAY?

THIS IS:

FOR DECORATION PURPOSES!

NO! NO!

ABSOLUTELY NO!

HELLO, CREW? YES.

THERE HAS BEEN:

A STRING CHEESE INCIDENT,

AND I IS UNACCEPTABLE, OKAY?

DO NOT TOUCH MY CRAFT SERVICES

TABLE, ALL RIGHT?

IT IS MY ART.

IT IS MY CANVAS.

WOULD YOU GO UP:

TO A VAN GOGH PAINTING

AND SMEAR [bleep]

DIARRHEA ON IT?

NO, YOU WOULDN'T.

[walkie-talkie crackling]

SECURITY! HELLO?

- TSK.

OH, DEMANDS OF THE JOB.

LIKE, I'M SECURITY.

[cash register rings]

IS IT ALL RIGH IF I WAND YOU RIGHT NOW?

- SURE, YEAH.

[wand beeping and whistling]

[rhythmic beeping]

- WE COULD MAKE

BEAUTIFUL MUSIC TOGETHER.

- I'M SORRY?

- OKAY, NO, BUT I HEARD

SOMETHING,

SO NOW I HAVE:

TO SEARCH YOU:

BECAUSE OF, LIKE,

THE WAR ON TERROR.

LIKE, REST IN PEACE!

- ALL RIGHT,

I THINK I'M ALL SAFE.

- OH, OKAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

THE ONLY THING DANGEROUS

ABOUT YOU:

IS THAT I COULD:

FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU.

- HEY, TAKE CARE.

- THANK YOU. VERY COOL.

OKAY, BABE. NEXT.

NO, BRO, GET OUT OF HERE.

- UGH. I HAVEN'T BEEN

ON A LINE THIS LONG

SINCE THEY WERE GIVING OU FREE DIAPHRAGMS

AT THAT HIGH SCHOOL.

[jazz riff]

- I HEARD THIS IS FOR ONE

OF THOSE COMIC RELIEF SHOWS.

- OOH, I LOVE COMIC RELIEF.

- YEAH, SURE.

- WHOOP GOLDBERG.

- BILL CRYSTAL.

- YOU KNOW WHO

THE HOTTEST YOUNG COMIC

ON THE MARKET IS TODAY?

- WHO'S THAT?

- PAUL REISER.

- OH, FROM MAD 'BOUT YOU.

- HE'S FUNNY.

- HE IS.

- HE'S...

both:
NATURALLY FUNNY.

- [Spanish accent]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

PLEASE TAKE YOUR SEAT.

THE SHOW:

WILL BEGIN SHORTLY.

KOO KOO RIKOO!

KOO KOO RIKOO!

AND NOW, IT IS MY PLEASURE,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

DAMAS AND CABALLEROS,

DIRECT ON THIS STAGE,

SECURITY GUARD:

ROBERT BRUSCHA.

- NOT YET?

[cheers and applause]

AH HA HA HA HA HA.

HELLO.

MY NAME IS ROBERT BRUSCHA,

AKA BOBBY B,

AKA BOBBY BOTTLESERVICE.

[cheers and applause]

OKAY, VERY COOL.

VERY COOL.

OKAY, I'M

THE SECURITY GUARD HERE TODAY,

AND I WANT TO SAY TO YOU

FIRST AND FIRST MOSTLY,

SAFETY FIRST.

BUT ALSO...

BE DANGEROUS.

[cheers and applause]

OKAY, SO I'M HERE TO GO OVER

SOME DOS AND DON'T DO ITS,

AS FAR AS THE RULES

AND REGULATIONS GO

HERE AT THE SHOW, OKAY?

SO, FIRST, NO CELL PHONES,

UNLESS IT'S, LIKE, AN IMPORTAN CALL FROM ONE OF YOUR BOYS.

LIKE, IN MY CASE, THAT WOULD BE,

LIKE, JIMMY Z

OR DANNY DO,

'CAUSE, LIKE,

HE ALWAYS DOES.

NO DRINKING:

TO "ASSESS," OKAY?

WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE, OKAY?

LIKE, I WAS ONCE

AND ON A NUMBER OF OCCASIONS,

I'VE BEEN A V.I.P. GUES AT A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT UFC

TAILGATING EVENTS,

AND ON ONE SUCH OCCASIONS...

I CHALLENGED A SMALL GIRL

TO A PUSH-UP COMPETITION.

BUT I HAD JUST SIMULTANEOUSLY

AND MOMENTS BEFORE

EATEN A NUMBER OF VODKA-INFUSED

KOBE BEEF SLIDERS.

AT WHICH POINT, I FELL

INTO A STATE OF DEHYDRATION,

BECAUSE TO DRINK WATER

IS TO SHOW WEAKNESS.

BUT I DIGEST.

A COUPLE OF OTHER THINGS

TO THINK ABOUT.

IF THERE'S, LIKE, A FIRE,

PUT IT OUT.

ALSO, IF THERE'S,

LIKE, AN EARTHQUAKE,

JUST BE LIKE,

"NOT TODAY."

FOR THOSE OF YOU

WHO DON'T KNOW,

AN EARTHQUAKE,

AS A SCIENTIST SPEAKING,

IS LIKE A PLATONIC SHIFT.

SO THAT'S LIKE WHEN

ONE PART OF THE EARTH IS LIKE,

"OH, LET'S JUST BE FRIENDS."

AND THE OTHER PAR OF THE EARTH IS LIKE,

"NO, I BOUGHT YOU DINNER.

LET'S DO THIS."

I WOULD SAY TO YOU ALSO,

LIKE, I'M

NOT ONLY A SECURITY GUARD,

BUT I DO A NUMBER

OF OTHER THINGS PROFESSIONALLY.

LIKE FOR EXAMPLE,

I AM THE AUTHOR OF A NUMBER

OF EARLY STAGE PYRAMID SCHEMES.

I'M ALSO

A RECORD PRODUCER.

SO, LIKE, HIT ME UP

ON MYSPACE OR WHATEVER.

YOU CAN FIND ME:

UNDER MY DJ NAME,

WHICH IS:

DJ ORIENTAL IMMIGRANT,

BECAUSE, LIKE, I LAY DOWN

CRAZY TRACKS.

AND, LIKE,

THAT'S NOT RACIST,

'CAUSE I JERK OFF

TO ASIAN GIRLS.

SO IN A SUMMARIZATION

FINALITY:

OF WHAT I COULD BE

SAYING TO YOU,

AND I WILL SAY,

AND IT WILL BE ON MY TOMBSTONE.

IN CONCLUSION,

REMEMBER,

VODKA,

JESUS,

REVENGE.

[cheers and applause]

- TONIGHT'S SHOW IS SPONSORED

BY WEBSITES.

DO YOU LOVE THE INTERNET,

BUT YOU DON'T KNOW

WHERE TO GO ON IT?

TRY WEBSITES!

[cheers and applause]

- ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY,

WELCOME TO THE STAGE

NICK KROLL!

[cheers and applause]

- ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR FEAR.

I AM SO EXCITED:

TO BE HERE TONIGHT.

UH, I FEEL HONESTLY

LIKE THIS IS LIKE

MY SECOND BAR MITZVAH.

AND I'M HOPING

THAT THIS ENDS:

WITH A HAND JOB:

FROM A 13-YEAR-OLD GIRL AS WELL.

UH, I CAN'T THANK YOU GUYS

ENOUGH FOR COMING OUT,

AND I KNOW YOU WERE

LOOKING FOR SOME COMEDY,

AND THERE WILL BE SOME,

BUT--BUT I...

I WAS AT THE DMV YESTERDAY,

AND THERE'S, LIKE,

EVERY WALK OF LIFE IN THE DMV.

LIKE,

IT FEELS KIND OF LIKE

YOU'VE WALKED

INTO THE STAR WARS BAR.

THERE'S, LIKE, FAT ASIAN KIDS

ON LEASHES RUNNING AROUND.

SOME ALIEN PLAYING, LIKE,

FOUR ELECTRIC CLARINETS

AT THE SAME TIME.

YANEK YAK YAK:

YANEK YAK YOW:

MY FAVORITE PERSON

I SAW THERE:

WAS THIS OLD BLACK WOMAN,

WHO WAS JUST TEACHING A BAG

OF SUNFLOWER SEEDS A LESSON.

MY FAVORITE THING

ABOUT THE DMV:

IS THAT I FEEL ENTIRELY

COMFORTABLE FARTING THERE.

NO OTHER PUBLIC PLACE

WOULD I TREA WITH SUCH DISDAIN.

I WAS STANDING ON LINE,

AND I JUST CROP-DUSTED

THE WHOLE AREA BEHIND ME.

LIKE THE NIGHT BEFORE,

I HAD EATEN, LIKE,

A TUNA OREO PARMESAN.

AND THEN I HAD, LIKE,

A BUNCH OF SHOTS OF RAIL VODKA.

I CAME HOME:

AND WAS LIKE,

"WHAT'S A NICE MIDNIGHT SNACK?

BRISKET AND YOGURT."

AND I WAKE UP:

LATE THE NEXT MORNING FOR WORK,

GRAB, LIKE, A HANDFUL

OF ALMONDS,

LIKE, "THAT'S BREAKFAST,"

AND THEN, NUT FARTS

ALL DAY LONG.

AND SO I JUST GET ON LINE,

AND I JUST NAPALMED 'EM.

LIKE,

A LITTLE VIETNAMESE GIRL

COULD HAVE RUN OU ON FIRE.

LIKE, IF A PHOTOGRAPHER

HAD BEEN THERE,

HE WOULD HAVE WON

A PULITZER.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

AND SO THE WOMAN

BEHIND ME WAS LIKE,

"WELL, I NEVER."

AND I WAS LIKE, "PAY

YOUR PARKING TICKETS ON TIME?

THAT'S WHY YOU GOTTA SMELL

MY NUT FARTS!"

OKAY.

I LOVE HIP-HOP.

I LOVE, LIKE,

MID-'90s HIP-HOP,

LIKE TUPAC AND BIGGIE,

RIGHT?

- WHOO!

- WHOO! GIVE IT UP

FOR WHITE PEOPLE!

DRIVES ME CRAZY:

THAT THOSE DUDES GOT KILLED,

AND WE NEVER FIGURED OU WHO DID IT.

NOT FUNNY...

YET.

JUST GIVE IT,

LIKE, 30 SECONDS.

IT'S CRAZY TO ME THAT TUPAC

AND BIGGIE GOT KILLED,

AND WE NEVER FIGURED OU WHO DID IT.

AND I'M LIKE,

YOU KNOW WHAT,

WE'VE BEEN GOING AT I THE WRONG WAY.

LIKE, WHO STOOD TO PROFI THE MOST FROM THEIR DEATHS?

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