Nick Kroll: Thank You Very Cool Page #2

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AND THAT'S WHEN I REALIZE

THAT IT WAS THE AIRBRUSH

PORTRAIT ARTISTS.

AND I WOULD NOT BE SURPRISED

IF THE HUGE:

DENIM JACKET INDUSTRY

HAD SOMETHING:

TO DO WITH IT AS WELL.

- CLEAR A PATH!

YOU OKAY?

- CAN I JUST HAVE

A GLASS OF WHITE WINE?

- ACTUALLY, UH,

ONCE THE SHOW STARTS,

WE DON'T SERVE

ANYMORE ALCOHOL.

- OH, CRAP.

- WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

- CAN WE AT LEAST HAVE

TWO EMPTY MARTINI GLASSES?

OR IS THAT ALSO ILLEGAL,

DICK CHENEY?

- TOPICAL.

- AND NOW A, UH,

BOTTLE OF VODKA, PLEASE.

- THIS IS A TV TAPING,

SO THERE ARE RULES

ABOUT ALCOHOL.

- ARE YOU JOKING ME?

WE GOT WASTED:

AT THAT WEBSTER TV TAPING

WE WENT TO.

- FROM WHAT I REMEMBER,

WEBSTER WAS A SHOW

ABOUT A SMALL BLACK MAN

WHO'S OWNED BY

TWO REGULAR-SIZE WHITE PEOPLE.

- HE WASN'T OWNED,

YOU WEIRD LIBERAL RACIST.

- WHOA!

- 'SCUSE ME.

- WE ARE NOT RACISTS.

TELL HIM, GIL.

- I STALKED PHYLICIA RASHAD

FOR THREE MONTHS.

- A JUDGE HAD TO GET INVOLVED.

- SO...

- LOOK, YOU GUYS, I'M SORRY

FOR GIVING YOU SUCH A HARD TIME.

IT'S JUST THAT I'M GOING

THROUGH PROBLEMS WITH MY GIRL.

- YOU KNOW

WHAT YOU NEED TO DO THERE?

THAT'S OKAY.

YOU NEED TO GET INTO

SOME OF THAT GOOD DIRTY TALK.

YOU KNOW--

SHAKER, PLEASE.

- OR YOU KNOW

WHAT YOU DO IS YOU SAY,

"OOH, TOUCH

MY LITTLE JEWISH DANGLER

"TILL IT GETS CHUBBY

AND CRIES YOGURT."

- YEAH.

- GEORGE, WHAT DO YOU SAY

IN THE BEDROOM?

- NO ONE TALKS

DURING THE ACT.

ALL RIGHT, VODKA IN.

NOW, IF YOU COULD

JUST GET ME:

A COUPLE OF CANS

OF TUNA FISH.

- OBVIOUSLY.

- UH, WE DON'T HAVE TUNA.

- YOU DON'T HAVE TUNA?

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN,

YOU DON'T HAVE TUNA FISH?

- I AM CARRYING.

- WE'RE MAKING

TUNA-TINI, BABY.

- SOME PEOPLE KNOW I AS A MARTUNA.

- THE LESBIAN COMMUNITY

KNOWS IT AS:

THE MARTUNA NAVRATILOVA.

- THERE'S A FUNNY STORY

ABOUT THIS DRINK.

I WAS HAVING LUNCH

WITH DICK VAN PATTEN,

AND I TURNED TO DICK

AT ONE POINT,

AND I SAID, "DICK,

THERE'S TOO MUCH TUNA

"IN YOUR TUNA-TINI,

BUT MY MARTUNA:

NEEDS MORE TUNA,"

AND WE LAUGHED OVER IT.

- AND I THEN SUBMITTED THA TO THE "TALK OF THE TOWN"

IN NEW YORKER MAGAZINE.

- AND THEY CANCELLED

OUR SUBSCRIPTIONS.

- SO...

- SO...

LET'S ADD A LITTLE VODIKA

TO THIS.

- TO THE NICK KROLL

COMEDY SPECIAL...

NOT.

- [laughs]

LIKE DWAYNE'S WORLD.

- MMM.

- YOU KNOW WHAT?

both:
YOU CAN REALLY

TASTE THE TUNA.

- THANK YOU

FOR THE HOSPITALITY.

- UH, BEFORE YOU GO,

CAN I HAVE MY SHAKER BACK?

- WHAT'S THAT?

- SOMEBODY TOOK MY SHAKER.

- WHAT'D YOU SAY, POITIER?

- LET'S SEE YOUR BAGS.

- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

THIS IS A, UH, BUTT PRODUC FOR HEALTH.

- UH, THIS IS

THE HOT NEW THING,

WHICH IS "WARKMAN."

- OH, YEAH,

THIS IS DOG GIAMATTI.

IT'S A DOG NAMED

AFTER PAUL GIAMATTI,

'CAUSE IT'S ALWAYS CRYING.

THIS GUY CALLED ME UP

ONE NIGHT,

AND I THOUGHT IT WAS

A HEAVY BREATHER,

SO I J'D,

AND THEN AFTERWARDS,

I SAID,

"YOU KNOW WHAT,

THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN A PUG,"

AND IT WAS.

- YOU HAVE MY SHAKER!

- WHAT THE...

- OH, IT FELL IN THERE

BY ACCIDENT.

- OH, THIS WAS THIS.

- OH, AND I'VE GO A LITTLE, UH,

STASH OF, UH, NOSE CANDY.

WHERE COULD TWO GUYS GO

AND DO A LITTLE COCAINE?

- UH, OUTSIDE?

- OKAY, SO THE BATHROOM?

- WE WILL SEE YOU

AROUND, JACK.

- UH, I PREFER NOT TO.

- OKAY. ALL RIGHT, WHOOPI.

WE'LL SEE YOU

IN A BIT, BUDDY.

- WHOOPI?

- YOU KNOW, I WANT TO HAVE

KIDS ONE DAY.

AND BESIDES THE FAC THAT HAVING A CHILD

MEANS THAT YOU'RE CONSTANTLY

SAVING SOMETHING'S LIFE,

WHAT KIND OF SCARES ME

IS THAT I'M GONNA HAVE TO

EXPLAIN CERTAIN THINGS TO HIM,

LIKE HOW THE HOLOCAUS HAPPENED,

OR, LIKE, WHAT 9/11 WAS,

OR WHO EXACTLY:

MICHAEL JACKSON WAS.

AND BEFORE YOU GET YOUR PANTIES

ALL IN A BUNCH ABOUT IT,

LET'S JUST REMEMBER

THAT BEFORE MICHAEL DIED,

ALL WE DID WAS:

MAKE FUN OF HIM.

AND JUST BECAUSE HE'S DEAD

DOES NOT MEAN:

HE WASN'T HILARIOUS.

SO CAN WE ALL GET ONBOARD

WITH THIS?

WONDERFUL.

[cheers and applause]

SO I'M GONNA HAVE A KID,

AND THE KID'S GONNA BE LIKE,

"DADDY,

WHO WAS MICHAEL JACKSON?"

BE LIKE, "OH, HE WAS

THIS AMAZING MUSICIAN

AND DANCER AND SINGER."

"WELL, WHAT DID HE LOOK LIKE?"

"UH..."

"WELL, WHEN HE WAS

A LITTLE BOY,

"HE WAS THIS REALLY HANDSOME

LITTLE BLACK KID

WITH VERY KIND EYES

AND A VERY SWEET SMILE."

"WHAT ABOUT IN HIS TWENTIES?"

"IN HIS TWENTIES,

MICHAEL LOOKED KIND OF LIKE

THE JAZZY LIZARD KING."

"WHAT ABOU WHEN HE WAS OLDER?

YOU CAN GIVE ME:

VARIOUS EXAMPLES."

"THAT'S [bleep] COOL OF YOU.

IS IT WEIRD:

THAT I SWEAR IN FRONT OF YOU?"

"I ONLY SEE YOU,

LIKE, ONCE A MONTH."

"IT'S 'CAUSE YOUR MOM'S

A B*TCH."

"WHAT DID HE LOOK LIKE?"

"ALL RIGHT, UM...

"HE LOOKED KIND OF LIKE A...

LIKE A SQUIRREL SKELETON

WITH FRIGHTENED EYES."

"DID HE HAVE ANY FRIENDS?"

"YEAH, HE WAS GOOD FRIENDS

WITH A MONKEY FOR A WHILE."

"THAT SEEMS

LIKE A RED FLAG."

"I KNOW,

WE DIDN'T SEE IT.

"I DON'T KNOW

WHAT TO TELL YOU.

"WE DIDN'T SEE IT.

"HE WAS GOOD FRIENDS

WITH MAGIC JOHNSON.

HE PUT HIM:

IN A MUSIC VIDEO."

"WHO WAS MAGIC JOHNSON?"

"HE WAS A BASKETBALL PLAYER."

"WAS THERE ANYTHING ELSE

THAT WAS INTERESTING ABOUT HIM?"

"UH...

"WELL, MAGIC WAS HIV-POSITIVE,

"BUT HE FOUND A COCKTAIL

OF DRUGS THAT WORKED FOR HIM,

"HE LIVED

FOR A LONG, LONG TIME,

AND, EVENTUALLY,

HE DIED OF OLD AIDS."

"DID MICHAEL HAVE A FAMILY?"

"YEP. YES, HE DID.

"UH, HE HAD

A BUNCH OF BROTHERS,

AND THEY ALL LOOKED

LIKE SHINY CARL LEWIS."

"WHAT DID HIS DADDY

LOOK LIKE?"

"HIS DAD...

"WHO I LEARNED MOS OF MY PARENTING SKILLS FROM,

"LOOKED KIND OF LIKE

IF A CALIFORNIA RAISIN

[bleep]ED THE DEVIL."

- OH, HELLO.

DO YOU DIG ME?

- OH, I'M SORRY.

I THOUGHT THIS WAS

THE WOMEN'S RESTROOM.

- OH, YOU'RE VERY MUCH

IN THE CORRECT PLACE.

THIS IS THE WOMAN'S BATHROOM.

I'M THE WOMAN'S BATHROOM

ATTENDANT.

MY NAME IS:

BOBBY BOTTLESERVICE.

- OH. YOU'RE THAT SECURITY GUARD

FROM THE STAGE.

- I'M LIKE

A JACK OF ALL CARDS, THOUGH.

I DO, LIKE,

BATHROOM ATTENDANCE AS WELL.

- OKAY, WELL, UM,

I HAVE A HEADACHE,

AND I WAS HOPING THAT YOU GUYS

HAD SOME ASPIRIN.

- OH, OKAY. I CAN GET RID

OF YOUR HEADACHE.

- I REALLY JUST NEED

AN ASPIRIN.

- OH, YEAH, I MEAN,

I GOT, LIKE, SELF-TANNER.

- NO, THAT IS WRONG

ON SO MANY LEVELS.

- OH, I HAVE A SOLUTION.

COLOGNE?

- NO, THAT'S NOT GONNA

HELP ME WITH MY HEADACHE.

- OKAY, WHAT ABOUT STEROIDS

FOR YOUR HEADACHE?

- OH, MY GOD!

- WHAT?

- NO.

NO! PUT THAT--

I AM NOT.

NO, I'M NOT INTERESTED.

- OH, OKAY.

THIS IS FOR FRESH BREATH

FOR KISSES.

- CLOSER, BUT I DON'T--

OKAY, NO, NO, NO.

I FEEL TRAPPED, BECAUSE

I DO HAVE TO USE THE BATHROOM,

SO I HAVE TO INTERAC WITH YOU.

I FIND YOU REPULSIVE.

- THANK YOU.

I LOVE YOU. HA HA.

[loud sniffing]

- OH, MY GOD.

both:
OHH!

HELLOOO.

- WE'RE JUST DOING

A LITTLE KEY BUMP OF COCAINE.

- SWEETHEART, YOU WANT TO DO

A LITTLE KISS OF COCAINE?

- HEY, LET ME ASK YOU

ANOTHER QUESTION.

ARE YOU:

ONE OF THOSE PROSTITUTES

WE HEARD ABOUT ON 20/20?

- A WHAT?

- AND "B," IF SO,

DO YOU ACCEPT DISCOVER CARD?

- AND "C," DO YOU ACCEP EXPIRED DINERS CLUB CARD?

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