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Nick Kroll: Thank You Very Cool Page #2
- Year:
- 2011
- 68 min
- 271 Views
AND THAT'S WHEN I REALIZE
PORTRAIT ARTISTS.
IF THE HUGE:
DENIM JACKET INDUSTRY
HAD SOMETHING:
- CLEAR A PATH!
YOU OKAY?
- ACTUALLY, UH,
WE DON'T SERVE
ANYMORE ALCOHOL.
- OH, CRAP.
DICK CHENEY?
- TOPICAL.
BOTTLE OF VODKA, PLEASE.
ABOUT ALCOHOL.
WE GOT WASTED:
WE WENT TO.
WEBSTER WAS A SHOW
WHO'S OWNED BY
TWO REGULAR-SIZE WHITE PEOPLE.
- HE WASN'T OWNED,
- WHOA!
- 'SCUSE ME.
TELL HIM, GIL.
FOR THREE MONTHS.
- A JUDGE HAD TO GET INVOLVED.
- SO...
- LOOK, YOU GUYS, I'M SORRY
FOR GIVING YOU SUCH A HARD TIME.
THROUGH PROBLEMS WITH MY GIRL.
- YOU KNOW
THAT'S OKAY.
YOU KNOW--
SHAKER, PLEASE.
"OOH, TOUCH
AND CRIES YOGURT."
- YEAH.
IN THE BEDROOM?
DURING THE ACT.
ALL RIGHT, VODKA IN.
JUST GET ME:
OF TUNA FISH.
- OBVIOUSLY.
- I AM CARRYING.
- WE'RE MAKING
TUNA-TINI, BABY.
- SOME PEOPLE KNOW I AS A MARTUNA.
KNOWS IT AS:
THE MARTUNA NAVRATILOVA.
- THERE'S A FUNNY STORY
ABOUT THIS DRINK.
AT ONE POINT,
AND I SAID, "DICK,
"IN YOUR TUNA-TINI,
BUT MY MARTUNA:
NEEDS MORE TUNA,"
- AND I THEN SUBMITTED THA TO THE "TALK OF THE TOWN"
OUR SUBSCRIPTIONS.
- SO...
- SO...
TO THIS.
COMEDY SPECIAL...
NOT.
- [laughs]
LIKE DWAYNE'S WORLD.
- MMM.
TASTE THE TUNA.
- THANK YOU
FOR THE HOSPITALITY.
- WHAT'S THAT?
- WHAT'D YOU SAY, POITIER?
THIS IS A, UH, BUTT PRODUC FOR HEALTH.
- UH, THIS IS
WHICH IS "WARKMAN."
- OH, YEAH,
IT'S A DOG NAMED
AFTER PAUL GIAMATTI,
'CAUSE IT'S ALWAYS CRYING.
ONE NIGHT,
A HEAVY BREATHER,
SO I J'D,
AND THEN AFTERWARDS,
I SAID,
"YOU KNOW WHAT,
AND IT WAS.
- WHAT THE...
BY ACCIDENT.
- OH, AND I'VE GO A LITTLE, UH,
STASH OF, UH, NOSE CANDY.
- UH, OUTSIDE?
AROUND, JACK.
- OKAY. ALL RIGHT, WHOOPI.
WE'LL SEE YOU
IN A BIT, BUDDY.
- WHOOPI?
KIDS ONE DAY.
AND BESIDES THE FAC THAT HAVING A CHILD
MEANS THAT YOU'RE CONSTANTLY
SAVING SOMETHING'S LIFE,
EXPLAIN CERTAIN THINGS TO HIM,
LIKE HOW THE HOLOCAUS HAPPENED,
OR, LIKE, WHAT 9/11 WAS,
OR WHO EXACTLY:
MICHAEL JACKSON WAS.
AND BEFORE YOU GET YOUR PANTIES
LET'S JUST REMEMBER
DOES NOT MEAN:
HE WASN'T HILARIOUS.
WITH THIS?
WONDERFUL.
[cheers and applause]
"DADDY,
BE LIKE, "OH, HE WAS
THIS AMAZING MUSICIAN
"WELL, WHAT DID HE LOOK LIKE?"
"UH..."
A LITTLE BOY,
LITTLE BLACK KID
"IN HIS TWENTIES,
VARIOUS EXAMPLES."
IS IT WEIRD:
THAT I SWEAR IN FRONT OF YOU?"
LIKE, ONCE A MONTH."
"IT'S 'CAUSE YOUR MOM'S
A B*TCH."
"ALL RIGHT, UM...
LIKE A SQUIRREL SKELETON
WITH FRIGHTENED EYES."
"THAT SEEMS
LIKE A RED FLAG."
"I KNOW,
WE DIDN'T SEE IT.
"I DON'T KNOW
"WE DIDN'T SEE IT.
WITH MAGIC JOHNSON.
HE PUT HIM:
IN A MUSIC VIDEO."
"HE WAS A BASKETBALL PLAYER."
THAT WAS INTERESTING ABOUT HIM?"
"UH...
"WELL, MAGIC WAS HIV-POSITIVE,
"HE LIVED
FOR A LONG, LONG TIME,
AND, EVENTUALLY,
"YEP. YES, HE DID.
"UH, HE HAD
LOOK LIKE?"
"HIS DAD...
"WHO I LEARNED MOS OF MY PARENTING SKILLS FROM,
IF A CALIFORNIA RAISIN
[bleep]ED THE DEVIL."
- OH, HELLO.
- OH, I'M SORRY.
THE WOMEN'S RESTROOM.
- OH, YOU'RE VERY MUCH
I'M THE WOMAN'S BATHROOM
ATTENDANT.
MY NAME IS:
BOBBY BOTTLESERVICE.
- OH. YOU'RE THAT SECURITY GUARD
FROM THE STAGE.
- I'M LIKE
I DO, LIKE,
BATHROOM ATTENDANCE AS WELL.
- OKAY, WELL, UM,
I HAVE A HEADACHE,
AND I WAS HOPING THAT YOU GUYS
HAD SOME ASPIRIN.
OF YOUR HEADACHE.
AN ASPIRIN.
- OH, YEAH, I MEAN,
I GOT, LIKE, SELF-TANNER.
- OH, I HAVE A SOLUTION.
COLOGNE?
- NO, THAT'S NOT GONNA
FOR YOUR HEADACHE?
- OH, MY GOD!
- WHAT?
- NO.
NO! PUT THAT--
I AM NOT.
NO, I'M NOT INTERESTED.
- OH, OKAY.
FOR KISSES.
- CLOSER, BUT I DON'T--
OKAY, NO, NO, NO.
I FEEL TRAPPED, BECAUSE
I DO HAVE TO USE THE BATHROOM,
SO I HAVE TO INTERAC WITH YOU.
- THANK YOU.
[loud sniffing]
- OH, MY GOD.
both:
OHH!HELLOOO.
- WE'RE JUST DOING
ANOTHER QUESTION.
ARE YOU:
- A WHAT?
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"Nick Kroll: Thank You Very Cool" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 31 Aug. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/nick_kroll:_thank_you_very_cool_14750>.
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