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Nick Kroll: Thank You Very Cool Page #3
- Year:
- 2011
- 68 min
- 271 Views
- OKAY, I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT YOU GUYS ARE DOING IN HERE.
THIS IS:
THE WOMEN'S RESTROOM.
- 'CAUSE WE CLOGGED
THE MEN'S TOILE WITH HUMMUS [bleep]S.
- IT LOOKS
- SWEETHEART, COME BACK.
WITH OUR GENITALIA.
[toilet flushes]
- I LOVE COMEDY
MORE THAN ANYTHING,
AND I'M LUCKY
BECAUSE I'M REALLY NOT CAPABLE
LIKE, I--I REMEMBER
I USED TO GO ON JOB INTERVIEWS,
AND THEY'D THROW
SO MANY CURVEBALLS AT YOU.
"SO, NICK, WHAT'S
YOUR GREATEST WEAKNESS?"
BY TIM GUNN FROM PROJECT RUNWAY.
I JUST PANICKED.
"UMMM!
[panting, sighs]
BUT I DO BELIEVE
YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS,
AND, UH, THAT'S WHY
I ACTUALLY KEEP:
A DREAMCATCHER ABOVE MY BED.
BUT THEN, LIKE,
NEXT TO IT,
A DREAMCRUSHER THERE AS WELL.
DOING COMEDY, I, UH...
I TRAVEL A LOT.
I'M IN AIRPORTS
CONSTANTLY.
WHAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND
GOING TO THE AIRPOR IS I'VE SEEN, LIKE,
A CRAZY GROWTH:
LIKE, WHO'S MAKING
BIG-TICKET PURCHASES
AT THE AIRPORTS?
LIKE, WHO SPECIFICALLY
IS BUYING A SUITCASE
AT THE AIRPORT?
'CAUSE THEY'RE SELLING
LIKE, WHO'S ROLLING UP
"WHAT DID I FORGET?
"UH, DROPPED A SOCK.
HOLD ON A SECOND.
"WHAT DID--OH, DROPPED
OH, THAT'S RIGHT!
A SUITCASE!"
[panting]
BUT ALL OF THA I CAN UNDERSTAND.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND
IF YOU GO TO THE MAGAZINE SHOP
AT THE AIRPORT,
YOUR HUDSON NEWS,
AT THE AIRPORT?
'CAUSE THEY'RE
SELLING THEM THERE
IN A SECTION CALLED
"MEN'S INTERESTS."
WHO'S ROLLING UP
AND IT'S LIKE,
"ALL RIGHT,
LET'S SEE, UM..."
[pops lips]
FOR SIX WEEKS.
"HMM, BLACK POLES, WHITE HOLES
"AND A $23 BOTTLE
OF DASANI WATER,
IF YOU'RE STILL USING
PORNO MAGAZINES,
YOU'RE BASICALLY TELLING
EVERYONE:
USING A PORNO MAGAZINE
IS BEING LIKE,
"OH, I DON'T USE LUBRICAN WHEN I HAVE SEX.
I JUST USE:
WHAT ARE YOU, LIKE, YOU'RE--
IT'S LIKE, "EXCUSE ME,
STEWARDESS?
I'M GONNA NEED
A BLANKET, PLEASE."
TRAVELING A LOT,
I, UH...I DRUNK PACK.
[cheers and applause]
RIGHT? JUST LIKE
YOU COME HOME, YOU'RE LIKE...
INFOMERCIAL ON 'SILENT.'"
AND THEN FORGET ABOUT I ON THIS TABLE."
TO PACK:
FOR MY FIVE-DAY TRIP
TO JAMAICA."
IN JAMAICA?
ONE UNDERWEARS."
"SIX BOW TIES."
[laughing]
[long squealing laugh]
"I'M GONNA BRING
THIS BULKY SANTA SUI WITH ME TO JAMAICA!"
"IT'S GONNA BE
BRING A SANTA SUIT?'
TOUCH YOUR DOG'S DICK
"I'M GONNA BRING
SOME WEED,
"'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW
IF THEY'RE GONNA HAVE
"WHAT'S THIS?
"PICTURES
FROM SEVENTH GRADE?"
"I SHOULD PROBABLY LOOK AT THESE
FOR 45 MINUTES."
"WHAT HAPPENED
TO JEN RIESER?
FACEBOOK DETECTIVE."
"WHOA...
"PSSH! WHAT'S UP, JEN?
"ANYWAY, I SEE YOU'RE
IN A RELATIONSHIP.
IN YOUR BUTT.
I LOVE YOU.
SEND."
"NOW I'M GETTING SLEEPY."
"OH, I GOTTA FIGURE OU WHAT I'M GONNA PACK IN.
AH, I'LL JUST GE A SUITCASE AT THE AIRPORT."
[cheers and applause]
BY THE SHOILET.
THAT'S A SHOWER
OKAY!
IT'S GRINGO TECHNOLOGY.
ECO-CONSCIOUS.
USE A SHOILET!
TAKE A [bleep]
IN THE SHOWER!
- AND WE'RE BACK
FROM COMMERCIAL.
AND I AM SIMULCASTING
NICK KROLL'S
AQUI EN:
[echoing]
DOT COM!
QUE PASA, BABY?
QUE PASA, BABY?
"SOY UN BEBE!"
THAT'S WHAT I SAID,
YOU'RE A BABY!
AND I'M HERE
QUE PASA, OLD MAN?
"HEY THERE.
YEAH, YOU'RE REALLY OLD,
YOU OLD MAN.
AND WHAT IS:
MY THIRD GUEST?
OH! HELLO, GOAT!
HOW ARE YOU:
FEELING TODAY?
"I'M VERY HUNGRY.
TENGO HAMBRE."
OH, YOU'RE HUNGRY, GOAT?
WHAT WOULD YOU EA IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING?
"GARBAGE."
THAT'S RIGHT,
YOU STUPID GOAT.
[imitating baby crying]
"GOO GOO GWAH."
"HE DON'T LIKE I WHEN YOU ARGUE."
OH, YOU'RE TALKING
TO ME, OLD MAN?
I FIGHT YOU:
WITH MY FISTS!
"NO, DON'T FIGH WITH THE FISTS."
"GOO GOO GWAH!"
EVERYBODY BE QUIET!
TO THE SHOW.
"WHAT'S THE SHOW?"
I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S SOME GRINGO
NAMED NICK KROLL.
"WHO IS HE?"
[mutters]
"HE DOES
LOTS OF CHARACTERS."
ABOUT ALTERNATIVE COMEDY,
OLD MAN?
"SI.
I VISIT WEBSITES."
HEY, GOAT,
YOU STUPID GOAT,
THE TRAFFIC REPORT.
[bleats]
"AY, MUCHO TRAFICO."
OKAY, THANK YOU
[maracas shaking,
horns beep]
IT'S NOW TIME
AIDS.
AIDS IS WORSE.
IT'S A DEBILITATING VIRUS!
[canned laughter
and applause]
AND, LIKE...
"YOU SHOULD, LIKE,
BE CASUAL.
JUST, LIKE,
I'M LIKE,
IT SEEMS:
IT'S LIKE,
OH, YEAH,
AND COFFEE BREATH.
FOR THE SAKE:
LIKE, I'M NOT GREA AT SEX, AND...
LIKE, ON A SCALE
ONE BEING THE WORS AND FOR SOME REASON
IN MY MIND,
AND I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S, LIKE,
THE PERIWINKLE EYE SHADOW,
OR, LIKE,
THE VELOUR ONESIES.
BUT I PICTURE PRINCE
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"Nick Kroll: Thank You Very Cool" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 31 Aug. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/nick_kroll:_thank_you_very_cool_14750>.
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