Nick Kroll: Thank You Very Cool Page #3

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- OKAY, I DON'T EVEN KNOW

WHAT YOU GUYS ARE DOING IN HERE.

THIS IS:

THE WOMEN'S RESTROOM.

- 'CAUSE WE CLOGGED

THE MEN'S TOILE WITH HUMMUS [bleep]S.

- IT LOOKS

LIKE JONESTOWN IN THERE.

- SWEETHEART, COME BACK.

WE WANTED TO TELL YOU SECRETS

WITH OUR GENITALIA.

- MINE LOOKS LIKE

A BUNCH OF GRAY FLAPS.

[toilet flushes]

- I LOVE COMEDY

MORE THAN ANYTHING,

AND I'M LUCKY

THAT I GET TO DO IT,

BECAUSE I'M REALLY NOT CAPABLE

OF DOING ANYTHING ELSE.

LIKE, I--I REMEMBER

I USED TO GO ON JOB INTERVIEWS,

AND I WOULD GET SO PANICKY,

AND THEY'D THROW

SO MANY CURVEBALLS AT YOU.

LIKE I REMEMBER THIS ONE

INTERVIEW, THE GUY WAS LIKE,

"SO, NICK, WHAT'S

YOUR GREATEST WEAKNESS?"

AND I WAS BEING INTERVIEWED

BY TIM GUNN FROM PROJECT RUNWAY.

I JUST PANICKED.

I WAS JUST LIKE,

"UMMM!

I GUESS MY GREATEST WEAKNESS

IS THAT I HAVE NO STRENGTHS."

[panting, sighs]

BUT I DO BELIEVE

YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS,

AND, UH, THAT'S WHY

I ACTUALLY KEEP:

A DREAMCATCHER ABOVE MY BED.

BUT THEN, LIKE,

JUST TO BE FAIR,

I KEEP A PICTURE OF MY DAD

NEXT TO IT,

SO THAT I CAN HAVE

A DREAMCRUSHER THERE AS WELL.

DOING COMEDY, I, UH...

I TRAVEL A LOT.

I'M IN AIRPORTS

CONSTANTLY.

WHAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND

GOING TO THE AIRPOR IS I'VE SEEN, LIKE,

A CRAZY GROWTH:

IN THE AMOUNT OF SHOPPING

THAT HAPPENS AT AIRPORTS,

OR THE AMOUNT OF STORES

THAT ARE IN AIRPORTS.

LIKE, WHO'S MAKING

BIG-TICKET PURCHASES

AT THE AIRPORTS?

LIKE, WHO SPECIFICALLY

IS BUYING A SUITCASE

AT THE AIRPORT?

'CAUSE THEY'RE SELLING

A CRAP-TON OF THEM THERE.

LIKE, WHO'S ROLLING UP

TO THE AIRPORT LIKE,

"WHAT DID I FORGET?

"UH, DROPPED A SOCK.

HOLD ON A SECOND.

"GOT MY CELL PHONE CHARGER.

"WHAT DID--OH, DROPPED

THAT SAME SOCK AGAIN.

"ALL RIGHT, THERE WE GO.

OH, THAT'S RIGHT!

A SUITCASE!"

[panting]

BUT ALL OF THA I CAN UNDERSTAND.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND

IF YOU GO TO THE MAGAZINE SHOP

AT THE AIRPORT,

YOUR HUDSON NEWS,

WHO IS BUYING PORNO MAGAZINES

AT THE AIRPORT?

'CAUSE THEY'RE

SELLING THEM THERE

IN A SECTION CALLED

"MEN'S INTERESTS."

WHO'S ROLLING UP

AND IT'S LIKE,

"ALL RIGHT,

LET'S SEE, UM..."

[pops lips]

"LET ME GE A BAG OF TRAIL MIX

"THAT I'LL EA ONE HANDFUL OF

"AND THEN KEEP IN MY BACKPACK

FOR SIX WEEKS.

"HMM, BLACK POLES, WHITE HOLES

LOOKS LIKE A GOOD MAGAZINE.

"AND A $23 BOTTLE

OF DASANI WATER,

AND I'M READY TO GO."

IF YOU'RE STILL USING

PORNO MAGAZINES,

YOU'RE BASICALLY TELLING

EVERYONE:

THAT YOU HAVE NO IDEA

WHAT THE INTERNET IS.

USING A PORNO MAGAZINE

IS BEING LIKE,

"OH, I DON'T USE LUBRICAN WHEN I HAVE SEX.

I JUST USE:

THIS CUP OF SAND."

AND THEN YOU GET ON THE PLANE

WITH YOUR PORNO MAGAZINE?

WHAT ARE YOU, LIKE, YOU'RE--

IT'S LIKE, "EXCUSE ME,

STEWARDESS?

I'M GONNA NEED

A BLANKET, PLEASE."

TRAVELING A LOT,

I, UH...I DRUNK PACK.

DO WE ALL KNOW:

WHAT DRUNK PACKING IS?

[cheers and applause]

RIGHT? JUST LIKE

YOU COME HOME, YOU'RE LIKE...

"GONNA WATCH THIS EXTENZE

INFOMERCIAL ON 'SILENT.'"

"POUR MYSELF A CUP OF WATER,

AND THEN FORGET ABOUT I ON THIS TABLE."

"AND NOW IT IS TIME

TO PACK:

FOR MY FIVE-DAY TRIP

TO JAMAICA."

"WHAT DO I NEED FOR FIVE DAYS

IN JAMAICA?

ONE UNDERWEARS."

"SIX BOW TIES."

[laughing]

[long squealing laugh]

"I'M GONNA BRING

THIS BULKY SANTA SUI WITH ME TO JAMAICA!"

"IT'S GONNA BE

SO HOT IN JAMAICA.

"BIRCHMAN'S GONNA BE LIKE,

"'DUDE, WHY DID YOU

BRING A SANTA SUIT?'

"AND THEM I'M GONNA BE LIKE,

"'DUDE, WHY DID YOU

TOUCH YOUR DOG'S DICK

WHEN WE WERE KIDS?'"

"I'M GONNA BRING

SOME WEED,

"'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW

IF THEY'RE GONNA HAVE

ANY WEED IN JAMAICA."

"WHAT'S THIS?

"PICTURES

FROM SEVENTH GRADE?"

"I SHOULD PROBABLY LOOK AT THESE

FOR 45 MINUTES."

"WHAT HAPPENED

TO JEN RIESER?

" DUH DUH DUH!

FACEBOOK DETECTIVE."

"WHOA...

"PSSH! WHAT'S UP, JEN?

"I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER YOU.

"DO YOU REMEMBER ME?

"ANYWAY, I SEE YOU'RE

IN A RELATIONSHIP.

"THINGS ARE GOOD FOR ME.

"I'M SO SORRY I SAID

"THAT YOU PUT TAMPONS

IN YOUR BUTT.

"AWW, I NEVER FORGOT YOU.

I LOVE YOU.

"I KILLED MY LITTLE BROTHER.

SEND."

"NOW I'M GETTING SLEEPY."

"GONNA TURN MY CELL PHONE

ALARM CLOCK ON 'SILENT.'"

"OH, I GOTTA FIGURE OU WHAT I'M GONNA PACK IN.

AH, I'LL JUST GE A SUITCASE AT THE AIRPORT."

[cheers and applause]

- TONIGHT'S SHOW IS SPONSORED

BY THE SHOILET.

THAT'S A SHOWER

AND TOILET IN ONE.

DO YOU WANT TO USE

THE SHOWER IN THE MORNING,

BUT YOU ALSO NEED

TO USE THE TOILET?

LET'S DO IT IN ONE.

OKAY!

IT'S GRINGO TECHNOLOGY.

ECO-CONSCIOUS.

USE A SHOILET!

TAKE A [bleep]

IN THE SHOWER!

- AND WE'RE BACK

FROM COMMERCIAL.

YO SOY EL CHUPACABRA!

KOO KOO RIKOO! KOO KOO RIKOO!

AND I AM SIMULCASTING

NICK KROLL'S

THANK YOU VERY COOL

AQUI EN:

[echoing]

NUEVE UNO UNO PUNTO NUEVE

DOT COM!

AND I'M HERE WITH A BABY!

QUE PASA, BABY?

QUE PASA, BABY?

"SOY UN BEBE!"

THAT'S WHAT I SAID,

YOU'RE A BABY!

AND I'M HERE

WITH AN OLD MAN.

QUE PASA, OLD MAN?

"HEY THERE.

YO SOY MUY VIEJO."

YEAH, YOU'RE REALLY OLD,

YOU OLD MAN.

AND WHAT IS:

MY THIRD GUEST?

"YO SOY UN GOAT."

OH! HELLO, GOAT!

KOO KOO RIKOO! KOO KOO RIKOO!

HOW ARE YOU:

FEELING TODAY?

"I'M VERY HUNGRY.

TENGO HAMBRE."

OH, YOU'RE HUNGRY, GOAT?

WHAT WOULD YOU EA IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING?

"GARBAGE."

THAT'S RIGHT,

YOU STUPID GOAT.

I WILL SUCK YOUR BLOOD!

"NO! DON'T SUCK MY BLOOD!"

[imitating baby crying]

"GOO GOO GWAH."

"HE DON'T LIKE I WHEN YOU ARGUE."

OH, YOU'RE TALKING

TO ME, OLD MAN?

I FIGHT YOU:

WITH MY FISTS!

"NO, DON'T FIGH WITH THE FISTS."

"GOO GOO GWAH!"

EVERYBODY BE QUIET!

WE HAVE TO GET BACK

TO THE SHOW.

"WHAT'S THE SHOW?"

I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S SOME GRINGO

NAMED NICK KROLL.

"WHO IS HE?"

[mutters]

"HE DOES

LOTS OF CHARACTERS."

OH, SO YOU KNOW

ABOUT ALTERNATIVE COMEDY,

OLD MAN?

"SI.

I VISIT WEBSITES."

HEY, GOAT,

YOU STUPID GOAT,

IT'S TIME TO DO

THE TRAFFIC REPORT.

[bleats]

"AY, MUCHO TRAFICO."

OKAY, THANK YOU

FOR THE TRAFFIC REPORT.

[maracas shaking,

horns beep]

IT'S NOW TIME

FOR THE JOKE OF THE DAY,

THE JOKE OF THE DAY!

THE JOKE OF THE DAY!

WHAT IS WORSE THAN FINDING

A WORM IN YOUR APPLE?

AIDS.

AIDS IS WORSE.

IT'S A DEBILITATING VIRUS!

[canned laughter

and applause]

I DO FIND DATING

SO DIFFICULT TO DO WELL,

AND, LIKE...

MY FRIEND ONE TIME WAS LIKE,

"YOU SHOULD, LIKE,

BE CASUAL.

JUST, LIKE,

GO ON A COFFEE DATE."

I'M LIKE,

WHO GOES ON COFFEE DATES?

HAS ANYONE HERE EVER BEEN

ON A COFFEE DATE BEFORE?

IT SEEMS:

LIKE THE WORST IDEA.

IT'S LIKE,

"GO ON A COFFEE DATE."

OH, YEAH,

'CAUSE MY BEST FOOT FORWARD

IS JITTERY WITH DIARRHEA

AND COFFEE BREATH.

FOR THE SAKE:

OF THIS NEXT JOKE,

LIKE, I'M NOT GREA AT SEX, AND...

LIKE, ON A SCALE

OF ONE TO PRINCE,

ONE BEING THE WORS AND FOR SOME REASON

IN MY MIND,

PRINCE IS THE BEST PERSON

IN THE WORLD AT SEX.

AND I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S, LIKE,

THE PERIWINKLE EYE SHADOW,

OR, LIKE,

THE VELOUR ONESIES.

BUT I PICTURE PRINCE

LIKE THIS TINY HUMMINGBIRD

WHO JUST COMES UP

AND JUST SORT OF LIKE

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