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Nick Kroll: Thank You Very Cool Page #4
- Year:
- 2011
- 68 min
- 271 Views
[bleep] YOU
FOR, LIKE, TWO HOURS,
AND YOU'RE JUST LIKE,
[crying]
"THANK YOU, PRINCE!
THANK YOU!"
AND HE'S JUST LIKE...
"YOU'RE WELCOME."
I WOULD SAY:
WHO HERE THINKS:
THAT WE SHOULD CHANGE THE NAME
OF THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY
[applause]
GOOD ENOUGH.
AND I'M LIKE, "OOF.
"OOF MAGOOF.
SHOULDN'T HAVE THOUGHT ABOU THE TUNA OREO PARMESAN."
THAT I KNOW:
AND POOPING:
AND DIARRHEA A LOT.
I DO I 'CAUSE I THINK
IT'S SO FUNNY.
ABOUT DIARRHEA,
THE WORD DIARRHEA,
LIKE, "DID YOU MEAN DIARRHEA?"
"GOOGLE, GROW UP!"
THERE'S NOTHING SPECIAL
ABOUT HIM!
I'M THE ARTIST!
YOU KNOW WHA THIS AUDIENCE NEEDS
[feedback whistles]
- YO, GIVE ME THAT MICROPHONE.
AND NOW,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
FABRICE FABRICE.
[upbeat electronic music]
- OH, HELLO,
YOU [bleep] ASS B*TCHES!
MY NAME IS:
FABRICE FABRICE,
YEAH, IT'S FUN.
NICK SAID, "OH, IF YOU
I SAID, "I'M NO GONNA AX YOU TO GO ON STAGE!
AND HE SAID, "OKAY."
I SAID, "ALL RIGHT!"
HE SAID, "FAIR ENOUGH."
I SAID, "VERY GOOD."
HE SAID, "COOL."
AND I SAID, "YOU'RE JEWISH."
AND HE SAID,
"THAT'S TRUE,"
I HAVE ALSO WORKED A A NUMBER OF AWARDS CEREMONIES.
BUT HERE'S MY PROBLEM, OKAY?
EVERY YEAR,
THERE'S SOME ACTOR
WHO GETS NOMINATED
FOR PLAYING A RETARDED PERSON.
IS A FRITTATA PERSON.
BETWEEN CELEBRITIES
AND FRITTATAS.
THEY BOTH:
GET DRIVEN EVERYWHERE,
WHO DRESSED THEM,
AND IF YOU MAKE EYE CONTAC WITH THEM,
THEY [bleep]
IN LIFE,
THE ONE THING:
IS SPOKEN-WORD POETRY.
SLAM POETRY--
IT'S LIKE RAPPING,
SO I'M GONNA DO
THE AUDIENCE, OKAY?
- TROUT.
- SPAGHETTI!
- TWINKIES.
- I HEARD TROUT,
I HEARD TWINKIES.
- MASHED POTATOES.
- MASHED POTATOES.
- SPAGHETTI!
- [laughs] SPAGHETTI!
THAT GUY SAID:
THAT WORD FUNNY.
OOOH!
I EAT FOOD.
I EAT TROU AND MASHED POTATOES
AND SPAGHETTI:
AND TWINKIES.
I LOVE FOOD.
BUT YOU DON'T CONTROL
MY BODY!
I'M GONNA HAVE
AN ABORTION.
AT MY KNEES.
WHO I AM:
AND MY FEELINGS,
AND MY FEELMOTIONS,
AND MY EMOTINGS,
IN MY MOLARS.
CHOP CHOP:
ON INSECURITY.
CHOP CHOP:
ON CELERY,
WHICH HAS:
NO CARBS.
WHAT I KNOW IS THA ONE IN EVERY TEN BLACK MEN
IS IN JAIL.
LIKE SNAILS.
ESCARGOT GET YOURSELF
A CONSCIENCE.
WHAT CAN YOU EA AT THE OLIVE GARDEN?
TROUT.
WHAT CAN YOU EA AT THE OLIVE GARDEN?
SPAGHETTI.
ALL I KNOW IS THA WHEN I'M AT THE OLIVE GARDEN,
I'M FAMILY,
AND YOUR TROUTS,
"WHAT DO I HAVE?
I HAVE DOUBTS.
A CREAM FILLING?"
NO, YOU MOTHER[bleep] TWINKIE,
IT'S A CREAM FILLING.
GHOSTBUSTERS!
[cheers and applause]
MAYBE HAVE:
SOME MASHED POTATOES.
FRIED CHICKEN.
YOU KNOW:
BLACK PEOPLE.
LOVES FRIED CHICKEN?
EVERYBODY.
THAT [bleep]
IS DELICIOUS FOOD.
[cheers and applause]
THANK YOU!
MAKE IT!
MAKE IT!
MAKE IT!
- TONIGHT'S SHOW
HEY, CATS,
YOU'RE THE WORST!
GO [bleep] YOURSELVES.
NO CATS!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
PLEASE WELCOME:
NICK KROLL!
[cheers and applause]
all:
DOGS!- CATS?
ANYBODY SAY CATS?
- WHOO!
- CATS?
UH, YOU'RE WRONG.
CATS ARE:
THE [bleep] WORST.
[cheers and applause]
I HATE CATS.
THEY'RE SO COLD
AND INDIFFERENT.
LIKE, A DOG
ACCORDING TO CARTOONS
THAT I WATCH.
CAT'LL BE LIKE,
"OH.
THIS DECAPITATED RAT CARCASS.
OOPSIES."
A BLIND PERSON:
WITH A CAT BEFORE.
WITH THEM.
BLIND PERSON'S LIKE, "HEY, DOG,
DOG'S LIKE,
"YOU GOT IT!
"I DON'T CARE
THAT YOU'RE BLIND
TO THE LIBRARY?
LET'S DO THIS!"
IT'S LIKE, "HOW DO YOU
"GOOGLE MAPS, BRO."
CAT'S LIKE, "OH, YOU WANTED
TO HANG OU UNDER THIS RADIATOR
FOR SIX HOURS."
THAT THEY'RE, LIKE, CLASSY.
IN PRIVATE.
LIKE, I THINK
THAT'S PRETTY COOL.
"OHHH!
YOU IN THE EYES WHEN I DO THIS?"
"NOW I'M GONNA
ARCH MY BACK!
"SHAKE MY LEGS!
SQUEEZE OU THIS TOOTSIE ROLL!"
A CAT ANYWHERE.
YOU CAN TAKE:
THROW A FRISBEE:
AROUND WITH HIM.
CAT'S LIKE,
"UM, PARDON MEOW."
"BUT BEFORE I DON'T GO
INTO THE WATER,
"BECAUSE THAT'S GROSS,
TO CLEAN ONESELF
"IS WITH ONE'S
WEIRD SANDPAPER TONGUE,
"I WAS WONDERING,
AWAY LIKE THIS.
ALWAYS LIKE THAT.
IN THE AIR.
LIKE THEY THINK:
THEY'RE ALL SEXY,
LIKE, "OHH!
THIS CAT ASS, DON'T YOU?"
PIZZA-FLAVORED COMBOS.
HOW IS IT THAT A CA IS ONE-FOOT-TALL,
AND THEIR ASS:
"OHH. NOW I'M GONNA RUB MYSELF
AGAINST THIS THING RIGHT HERE,
"WHO'S ALLERGIC
"AND I'M
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"Nick Kroll: Thank You Very Cool" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 1 Sep. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/nick_kroll:_thank_you_very_cool_14750>.
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