Nick Kroll: Thank You Very Cool Page #4

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[bleep] YOU

FOR, LIKE, TWO HOURS,

AND YOU'RE JUST LIKE,

[crying]

"THANK YOU, PRINCE!

THANK YOU!"

AND HE'S JUST LIKE...

"YOU'RE WELCOME."

SO ON THAT SCALE

OF ONE TO PRINCE,

I WOULD SAY:

I'M LIKE JIM BELUSHI.

BY ROUND OF APPLAUSE,

WHO HERE THINKS:

THAT WE SHOULD CHANGE THE NAME

OF THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY

TO THE DIARRHEA REFINERY?

[applause]

GOOD ENOUGH.

I DRIVE BY THAT PLACE,

AND I'M LIKE, "OOF.

"OOF MAGOOF.

SHOULDN'T HAVE THOUGHT ABOU THE TUNA OREO PARMESAN."

AND I JUST WANT TO ADDRESS

THAT I KNOW:

THAT I TALK ABOUT FARTING

AND POOPING:

AND DIARRHEA A LOT.

AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW

I DO I 'CAUSE I THINK

IT'S SO FUNNY.

EVEN MORE THAN TALKING

ABOUT DIARRHEA,

I LIKE TO GOOGLE

THE WORD DIARRHEA,

BUT THEN SPELL IT WRONG,

'CAUSE THEN GOOGLE HAS TO BE

LIKE, "DID YOU MEAN DIARRHEA?"

AND THEN I'M JUST LIKE,

"GOOGLE, GROW UP!"

- WHY DOES HE HAVE A SPECIAL?

THERE'S NOTHING SPECIAL

ABOUT HIM!

I'M THE ARTIST!

YOU KNOW WHA THIS AUDIENCE NEEDS

IS A LITTLE FABRICE FABRICE.

[feedback whistles]

- YO, GIVE ME THAT MICROPHONE.

I'M TAKING THE STAGE.

AND NOW,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

PLEASE WELCOME TO THE STAGE

FABRICE FABRICE.

[upbeat electronic music]

- THIS IS EATING TIME

OUT OF MY SPECIAL.

- OH, HELLO,

YOU [bleep] ASS B*TCHES!

MY NAME IS:

FABRICE FABRICE,

THE BEAST FROM THE EAST.

THE NAME SO NICE,

YOU HAVE TO SAY I AGAIN.

AND I'M THE CATERER HERE

AT THE NICK KROLL

THANK YOU VERY COOL SPECIAL.

YEAH, IT'S FUN.

NICK SAID, "OH, IF YOU

WANT TO GO ON STAGE,

YOU CAN GO UP THERE."

I SAID, "I'M NO GONNA AX YOU TO GO ON STAGE!

I'M GON' TAKE THE STAGE."

AND HE SAID, "OKAY."

I SAID, "ALL RIGHT!"

HE SAID, "FAIR ENOUGH."

I SAID, "VERY GOOD."

HE SAID, "COOL."

AND I SAID, "YOU'RE JEWISH."

AND HE SAID,

"THAT'S TRUE,"

SO THAT WAS THAT SCENARIO.

I HAVE ALSO WORKED A A NUMBER OF AWARDS CEREMONIES.

BUT HERE'S MY PROBLEM, OKAY?

EVERY YEAR,

THERE'S SOME ACTOR

WHO GETS NOMINATED

FOR PLAYING A RETARDED PERSON.

NOW, I AM NOT ALLOWED

TO SAY "RETARDED" ON TV,

SO WHAT I'M GONNA SAY

IS A FRITTATA PERSON.

THERE'S NOT A BIG DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN CELEBRITIES

AND FRITTATAS.

THEY BOTH:

GET DRIVEN EVERYWHERE,

PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS AXING

WHO DRESSED THEM,

AND IF YOU MAKE EYE CONTAC WITH THEM,

THEY [bleep]

FLIP OUT AT YOU.

NOW, MY ONE TRUE PASSION

IN LIFE,

THE ONE THING THAT I LOVE,

THE ONE THING:

THAT DRIVES ME CRAZY,

THE ONE THING THAT BRINGS

ME HOPE AND JOY:

IS SPOKEN-WORD POETRY.

SLAM POETRY--

THAT IS GOOD STUFF.

IT IS HARD TO DO.

IT'S LIKE RAPPING,

BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO RHYME.

SO I'M GONNA DO

A SPOKEN-WORD POEM FOR YOU

RIGHT ON THE SPOT.

ALL I NEED IS A SUGGESTION

OF A TYPE OF FOOD FROM YOU,

THE AUDIENCE, OKAY?

- TROUT.

- SPAGHETTI!

- TWINKIES.

- I HEARD TROUT,

I HEARD TWINKIES.

- MASHED POTATOES.

- MASHED POTATOES.

- SPAGHETTI!

- [laughs] SPAGHETTI!

THAT GUY SAID:

THAT WORD FUNNY.

OOOH!

I EAT FOOD.

I EAT TROU AND MASHED POTATOES

AND SPAGHETTI:

AND TWINKIES.

I LOVE FOOD.

FOOD IS SEXY TO ME.

BUT YOU DON'T CONTROL

MY BODY!

I'M GONNA HAVE

AN ABORTION.

BUT YOU TRY TO CHOP ME DOWN

AT MY KNEES.

YOU TRY TO TAKE:

WHO I AM:

AND WHAT I BELIEVE IN,

AND MY FEELINGS,

AND MY FEELMOTIONS,

AND MY EMOTINGS,

WHICH ARE THE FEELINGS

IN MY MOLARS.

CHOP CHOP:

ON INSECURITY.

CHOP CHOP:

ON CELERY,

WHICH HAS:

NO CARBS.

WHAT I KNOW IS THA ONE IN EVERY TEN BLACK MEN

IN AMERICA IS IN JAIL.

I KNOW THAT THREE

OUT OF EVERY FIVE ASIAN WOMEN

IS IN JAIL.

AND YET WE MOVE SLOWLY

LIKE SNAILS.

ESCARGOT GET YOURSELF

A CONSCIENCE.

AND WHERE ARE YOU?

YOU'RE AT THE OLIVE GARDEN.

WHAT CAN YOU EA AT THE OLIVE GARDEN?

TROUT.

WHAT CAN YOU EA AT THE OLIVE GARDEN?

SPAGHETTI.

ALL I KNOW IS THA WHEN I'M AT THE OLIVE GARDEN,

I'M FAMILY,

WHICH MEANS THAT I BORROWED

$10,000 FROM THE WAITER

AND NEVER PAID HIM BACK.

BUT ALL YOU DO:

IS SMOKE YOUR DRUGS

AND YOUR TROUTS,

AND YOU THINK TO YOURSELF,

"WHAT DO I HAVE?

I HAVE DOUBTS.

WHAT'S INSIDE OF ME,

A CREAM FILLING?"

NO, YOU MOTHER[bleep] TWINKIE,

IT'S NOT A CREAM FEELING.

IT'S A CREAM FILLING.

THAT'S ONE BIG TWINKIE.

THAT'S FROM THE MOVIE

GHOSTBUSTERS!

[cheers and applause]

WHEN WE SIT DOWN

FOR OUR LAST SUPPER,

AND WE SEE ALL THE PLATES

IN FRONT OF US,

MAYBE HAVE A LITTLE TROUT,

MAYBE HAVE:

SOME MASHED POTATOES.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT GOES GOOD

WITH BOTH OF THOSE?

FRIED CHICKEN.

YOU KNOW:

WHO LOVES FRIED CHICKEN?

BLACK PEOPLE.

YOU KNOW WHO ELSE

LOVES FRIED CHICKEN?

EVERYBODY.

THAT [bleep]

IS DELICIOUS FOOD.

[cheers and applause]

THANK YOU!

END OF MY POEM!

MAKE IT!

MAKE IT!

MAKE IT!

- TONIGHT'S SHOW

IS NOT SPONSORED BY CATS!

HEY, CATS,

YOU'RE THE WORST!

GO [bleep] YOURSELVES.

NO CATS!

- AY YI YI YI YA!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

PLEASE WELCOME:

BACK TO THE STAGE,

NICK KROLL!

[cheers and applause]

- I REALLY WANT TO

GET INTO IT TONIGHT, OKAY?

SO, CATS OR DOGS, GUYS?

all:
DOGS!

- CATS?

ANYBODY SAY CATS?

- WHOO!

- CATS?

THE GIRL THAT LOOKS LIKE

SHE LIKES CATS LIKES CATS?

WELL, JUST SO YOU KNOW,

UH, YOU'RE WRONG.

CATS ARE:

THE [bleep] WORST.

[cheers and applause]

I HATE CATS.

THEY'RE SO COLD

AND INDIFFERENT.

LIKE, A DOG

WILL BRING YOU A NEWSPAPER,

ACCORDING TO CARTOONS

THAT I WATCH.

CAT'LL BE LIKE,

"OH.

"OH, YOU WANTED A NEWSPAPER?

"OH, I THOUGHT YOU WANTED

THIS DECAPITATED RAT CARCASS.

OOPSIES."

I HAVE NEVER SEEN

A BLIND PERSON:

WITH A CAT BEFORE.

SEEN A WHOLE LOT OF DOGS

WITH THEM.

BLIND PERSON'S LIKE, "HEY, DOG,

LET'S GO THE LIBRARY."

DOG'S LIKE,

"YOU GOT IT!

"I DON'T CARE

THAT YOU'RE BLIND

"AND YOU WANT TO GO

TO THE LIBRARY?

LET'S DO THIS!"

IT'S LIKE, "HOW DO YOU

KNOW WHERE THE LIBRARY IS?"

"GOOGLE MAPS, BRO."

CAT'S LIKE, "OH, YOU WANTED

TO GO TO THE LIBRARY?

"OH, I THOUGHT YOU WANTED

TO HANG OU UNDER THIS RADIATOR

FOR SIX HOURS."

I WILL GIVE IT TO CATS

THAT THEY'RE, LIKE, CLASSY.

THEY GO TO THE BATHROOM

IN PRIVATE.

LIKE, I THINK

THAT'S PRETTY COOL.

DOGS ARE JUST LIKE,

"OHHH!

WHY DO I GOTTA LOOK

YOU IN THE EYES WHEN I DO THIS?"

"WHY IS THAT PART OF IT?"

"NOW I'M GONNA

ARCH MY BACK!

"SHAKE MY LEGS!

SQUEEZE OU THIS TOOTSIE ROLL!"

IT'S LIKE YOU CAN'T TAKE

A CAT ANYWHERE.

YOU CAN TAKE:

A DOG TO THE BEACH,

THROW A FRISBEE:

AROUND WITH HIM.

TAKE A CAT TO THE BEACH,

CAT'S LIKE,

"UM, PARDON MEOW."

"BUT BEFORE I DON'T GO

INTO THE WATER,

"BECAUSE THAT'S GROSS,

"AND THE ONLY WAY

TO CLEAN ONESELF

"IS WITH ONE'S

WEIRD SANDPAPER TONGUE,

"I WAS WONDERING,

IS THERE A BABY ABOUT,

BECAUSE I WANT TO SCRATCH

SOMETHING IN THE FACE."

AND THEN THEY WALK

AWAY LIKE THIS.

ALWAYS LIKE THAT.

ALWAYS WITH THEIR TAIL

IN THE AIR.

LIKE THEY THINK:

THEY'RE ALL SEXY,

LIKE, "OHH!

BET YOU WANT TO [bleep]

THIS CAT ASS, DON'T YOU?"

CAT'S ASSES LOOK LIKE

PIZZA-FLAVORED COMBOS.

HOW IS IT THAT A CA IS ONE-FOOT-TALL,

AND THEIR ASS:

IS ALWAYS AT EYE LEVEL?

"OHH. NOW I'M GONNA RUB MYSELF

AGAINST THIS THING RIGHT HERE,

"JUST IN CASE SOMEBODY

SHOWS UP SIX DAYS FROM NOW

"WHO'S ALLERGIC

"AND I'M

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