Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian Page #2

You didn't tell them.

Sometimes it's more noble to tell a

small lie than deliver a painful truth.

- Are you gonna be okay?

- I shall do my best.

And who knows?

Sometimes the greatest change

brings about even greater opportunity.

Look at you, Lawrence.

You left this place

and created quite a life for yourself.

Yeah, I guess so.

I should hope

you'd do more than guess, my friend.

You're a captain of industry.

The world at your fingertips.

It seems to me

you have everything you wanted.

Yeah, no, I know.

No, you don't. If I may, lad,

allow me to offer you

one piece of advice.

The key to happiness,

to true happiness, is...

Hang on one sec. I just gotta...

I got this Japanese deal.

No, okay, I'm turning this off.

I'm sorry.

The key to happiness?

I'll see you, Teddy.

So they're gone?

There's nothing you can do?

I wish there was, man.

I'm telling you, I tried everything.

I talked to McPhee, I called the board,

but they shipped them out this morning.

This is a lot of food, Dad.

Yeah. Ed from work's gonna come by.

I thought I told you.

We just have to go over

a couple of little work things.

- So you're working tonight.

- I used to work every night, remember?

That was when you had

the coolest job in the world.

Yeah, well, "cool" doesn't pay

for your Guitar God VI or whatever.

- Hello?

- Gigantor! It's me, Jedediah!

- Hold! Hold!

- Jed?

Never surrender!

Jed, what are you...

How did you dial the phone?

Long story! That brazen little monkey

stole the tablet,

and now we're in a world of hurt, boy!

- What's going on?

- Kahmunrah!

- Kahmunrah?

- Ahkmenrah's big brother! He's here!

- And trust me, not a friendly!

- Never!

I repeat, not a friendly!

- Is that Attila, Jed?

- I don't know how much longer

- we can fight them off! No!

- Jed? Are you okay?

- Let go of me! Help!

- Hey, Jed.

- Let go! No, you let go of me! Help!

- Jed?

What was that about?

I don't know.

Here, come on.

Gonna drop you off at your mom's.

- What's going on, Dad?

- I'm gonna go find out.

Okay, buddy, McPhee said the

Federal Archives are in the Smithsonian.

Where exactly am I going?

That's the thing, Dad. The Smithsonian

is actually 19 different museums.

They're laid out

around the National Mall,

from the Capitol

to the Lincoln Memorial.

They got everything there.

There's actually some really cool stuff.

Nicky, please focus.

Which museum are the Archives in?

Not in, under. It looks like it runs

underneath the entire Smithsonian.

So if Ahkmenrah's tablet is

down there...

The biggest museum in the world

is coming alive.

What is exactly is your plan here, Dad?

- Don't worry about it.

- You have no plan, do you?

Now, Nicholas, I have a very good,

highly thought-out plan.

- You have no plan.

- Yes, I have no plan.

I'll call you when I'm in.

Here you go. Thanks.

Welcome to the biggest museum

in the world.

I know, right? It's a trip.

How about these planes dangling

from the ceilings, huh? Pretty weird.

Hi, excuse me. Could you tell me

how to get to the Federal Archives?

Of course. Just be a historical document

worthy of storing for all eternity.

I'm kidding. He's not a document.

I'm sorry, sir, the Archives are

underground, and they're a secure area.

Really? Like, totally secure?

Okay, thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the museum will be closing in one hour.

Kahmunrah.

Hey! What are you doing?

- No touching.

- No, I wasn't gonna touch it.

You're moving in with some I.T.T., bro.

- I.T.T.?

- That's "Intent to Touch", homey.

No, I wasn't.

You're not allowed to go over the...

- What, are you gonna kiss it?

- All right, sorry.

Put your hand on it and touch it.

'Cause I stand there

and I wait all day

for a little girl like you to come in

and put her precious nail-polished nails

all over the exhibits.

Sorry. Last time I checked, I thought

we lived in a free country, so...

- No, we don't.

- No?

It's the United States of Don't Touch

That Thing Right in Front of You.

I just want to...

I'm allowed to look at it here, okay?

See what happens when you touch it!

So you're threatening me?

You're threatening me, Brandon?

- It's "Brundon."

- Excuse me?

- "Brundon"!

- "Brundon"?

- "Brundon."

- "Brundon."

What, did they run out of U's

on your nameplate maker?

I don't know, did they run out of jokes

at the interesting-joke store

that you shop at?

Sorry, it looks like "Brandon", but...

I'm not here to be your

speech therapist. It's "Brundon"!

- "Brundon." Okay...

- You never heard of the name before?

"Brundon"? No.

Look up most popular baby names

in 1984. "Brundon."

Okay. Are you threatening me, Brundon?

I don't know, Princess Jasmine. Am I?

- Oh, wow. Lunabeam nine-volt.

- Yeah.

Wonderful piece of hardware, huh?

- That's their title, Lunabeam Nine.

- Great.

I prefer the Maglite LED myself,

but that's just me.

- Do me a huge favor.

- What?

Shove your hands into your pockets,

put your attitude way down,

and, also, be nice to people.

Great. But could I just ask you

one thing?

- Yeah.

- Okay, so just to be clear,

- so, I can't do this, right?

- Okay, that's actually crazy.

Did you just make a decision

to possibly end your life

earlier than you were expecting?

I'm gonna hit you with the flashlight.

- Now you are threatening me. Okay.

- Do not touch it!

- Don't touch me.

- Do not touch it!

- Do not touch it!

- Don't touch me!

I'll touch you with my flashlight

all day.

No, your flashlight

is meant to illuminate.

I will literally rent a camper,

and we will drive across America

with my flashlight on your chest.

- Don't do that.

- Don't do what?

Want to see what happens

when I do it one more time?

- Let's see what happens.

- Watch you do nothing.

Let's watch you do nothing

when I do this.

Seriously, Brandon...

- Brundon.

- Brundon,

you do not know who you're dealing with.

You think you know what it means

to be a guard, huh?

Trust me, you don't know

the meaning of the word.

I have seen things

that you could not imagine.

- Like what kind of stuff?

- I'm not gonna tell you.

- But you're gonna drop the flashlight...

- The way you said it,

it sounded like you were gonna say

something cool.

Yeah, well, you don't get to hear it.

Drop the flashlight.

We cool?

That's actually pretty cool,

what you just did.

Thank you.

No hard feelings?

- All right? Sorry.

- Okay.

- I'm sorry.

- No, It's my fault. I shouldn't have...

No. It takes two opposing forces

to cause friction, and...

And you're just doing your job, all right.

- Take it easy, man.

- Yeah!

That guy's great.

- Okay, buddy, I'm in.

- Great. Where are you?

The northeast corridor of the Castle,

just off the Commons.

- I need you to talk me to the Archives.

- Okay.

At the end of the hall, turn right,

and there should be a stairwell

coming up on your left.

- Got it.

- Now, it's kind of a maze down there.

Those underground tunnels

connect a bunch of different buildings.

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